It's been over a year but I feel like it all just happened. We were so close. We grew up with the same abusive/neglectful/manipulative mother. We were the only ones who knew how she really was. My sister was my best friend, but her life was awful. Addiction, abusive men, losing custody of her kids. She would usually call me and let me talk her out of it, but really she had nothing to live for except me. I feel like I failed her. I asked our mother to give her my number in case she needed me, but she never gave it to her. Now she's gone and everyday I have that tinge, that sharp stab of guilt in my chest. Why didn't I let her stay with me? Why didn't I make time to go to her. She was the person who introduced me to drugs, and was really an awful role model (she was 15 years my senior), but she loved me so much. She got me my first bike, CD player, computer. Took me for my first horse back ride. But I grew up and had a family, I didn't want that druggie lifestyle anymore I had a beautiful family that took away all that childhood pain. All the thoughts that you think when you hate yourself, had mostly gone away and I didn't need to get high anymore, but I knew I was too weak to be around some one using drugs without using myself. Now I keep wishing I could see her one more time, pop some pills and do what we always did, makeup, hair, nails, clothes, art projects, etc. I miss her laugh her smile, her hands. I keep seeing her hands in my dreams. Hell i wouldn't even want the pills, but it was part of our routine back in the day. If you're reading this I'm kinda new here and not 100% sure how this all works but the takes away from all this, if you ever feel like dying you aren't alone. No situation is permanent and change is always on its way. Just hold on. Rip Melanie, see you in my dreams again soon.
Submitted August 18, 2019 at 08:57AM by anti-heromama1418 https://ift.tt/33JkpPO
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