Is this normal for an EIE, or am I just an asshole? Can someone "dualize" themselves?

Honestly, if anybody could point me out socionics sources so I feel less like an experiment gone wrong, I would appreciate that.

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to use socionics as an excuse for shitty behavior. I'm actively trying to change the things I need to work on.

Over the past few centuries, I had to realize I really struggle with something that I don't know how to deal with, and I was wondering about the possible interpretations of it in Socionics, or if this is even a thing in EIE-LSI duality.

I grew up in a family who were not too fond of my behavior, and I was always the violent one, the loud one, the headstrong. I was the "you are wrong, and I demand answers about your parenting methods" type of kid. I was offended when someone didn't make any sense logically (well, to what was logical to me), I became super upset, and had temper tantrums, when I couldn't make my point understood, because someone refused to listen. I remember my parents joking about how they should have named me Katherine (because of The Taming of the Shrew), and I remember how much it hurt. I wanted to be like her sister - lovable, kind and soft.

As a kid I was really into quite, dark, reserved, intelligent characters, who were strong-willed, and cut through bullshit. I remember, Although these interests and priorities were there way before, but I often thought as I became older - why not just become what you are looking for, instead of desperately waiting for someone to be like what you feel is missing from you?

Things got even worse, when I started to befriend thinkers, and I became this ultimate "if there is something incoherent in what you say/how I feel/see you and how you act, then I will always point it out, even if you end up murdering me out of frustration". Obviously, teenage years didn't really help with my attitude.

Then I had a long friendship with an LSI, and although we had our quite big differences, he understood almost everything I said, and pointed out all my logical fallacies. I really respect people who are able to do that, and it feels beautiful. It's like a needle, puncturing exactly the spot in my heart that needed to be found - asking me a question that basically destroys my "well-built" ideas. It's something that makes me feel seen. That's the right word - this person saw me for who I was. There was no bullshit there, but I also wasn't just floating around like some kind of ghost in the clouds of daydreams - he was interested in my ideas, but could nail me down to Earth, look me in the eyes, and tell me straight what he thought, and ask me questions that made me feel he got me.

So, in the last few centuries, my dating life is often horrifying. I'm sure I'm not the only one - but even though I also work in some fields of arts, I sing, I dance, I paint, and I love dressing up in a feminine way, I often feel "too masculine" compared to many guys I've been dating with.

Anytime someone I'm talking to or I'm on a date with is more "in the clouds" than I am, isn't "logical enough", states incoherent things, or I feel blunter/harsher than him, I feel I'm done. I can be nurturing, kind and soft, but I'm often serious, harsh, critical and constant incoherence turs me off like nothing else. I hate when someone is passive-agressive or too soft. Call me an asshole, tell me I act like a prude, ask me what the fuck is wrong with me, but be strong and straightforward. I have a female acquintance who I think is an SLE, and whenever she asks something totally inappropriate or blunt, and everybody is mortified, I burst out laughing. She is honest, and I respect that.

I feel like a weird experiment gone wrong, a weird mixture of a daydreamer, warrior and a ridiculous procrastinator, being absurd or theatrical, weird, silly, way too ideological, often serious and harsh, someone who needs to fight for something she believes in. I am the shrew, and I don't know who can fight my dragon. I am the dragon. And honestly, I feel horrible. There are so many great people I have met, kind, gentle and noble people, but most of the time, if someone lacks the strength, intelligence, iron will and logical coherence, I can't feel attracted to their personality. I often feel too harsh, masculine and critical in my attitude towards them, and don't feel feminine enough, and it leads me feeling they are not"strong" enough.

I feel I like an artist or philosopher (nice try flattering myself), who was born with war in her heart - and I don't know what went wrong.

Nowdays, I often find myself listening to others while being reserved, because I don't know what to say anymore, I'm bored, or just feel sad without proper stimuli. On the other hand, I need to express myself, and I need things to be stirred up, and to feel deeply - otherwise I feel dead. I often need to see myself in the eyes of others, or I feel like I'm not really existing. This makes me feel very immature.

So my questions:

1. Can an EIE be like this? Is this because I'm Sx first, or can it be a DCNH thing as well?
2. Besides my obvious non-socionics issues that I'm handling privately, can I hope there will be LSIs or other types who can handle this shit, and whom we can work well together? Or am I a totally lost cause?
3. Obviously, I am not like an LSI. But could this strong need for Ti and Se have an effect on my development, as well as when I basically tried to "dualize myself"?

Submitted August 04, 2019 at 04:13AM by oilpaintinginred https://ift.tt/2Ko0TzM