Asperger's.

Does anyone have Asperger’s Syndrome or think they may have it and would like to share?

For years now, I’ve done a lot of calculations and thinking.. And a lot of my characteristics fit those of someone who has Asperger’s.

Now I’m not here to validate why I think I do, because frankly, I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

But let’s just say, the characteristics are very prominent, enough so that many family members, teachers, counselors, friends, etc. have all suggested this may be the case.

I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me or that I was different somehow. Simply because, a lot of things are very difficult to me when they would be pretty much completely simplistic to others.

Not only that but I struggled more in school and communication than anything.

(Fun fact; I didn’t speak until I was 3)

A lot of teachers assumed I was defiant and didn’t listen, simply because I didn’t understand things after multiple times of explanation.

Or they would constantly tell me to pay attention because my mind wondered so much.

If a teacher was hovering over my desk and explaining something to me, it’s like I couldn’t even hear their words.

Just the fact that they were hovering over me I would start focusing on the most ridiculous things. For example, the shape of their nail bed or how dry their hands were or what they smelled like or what their voice sounded like. Then when they were done explaining they’d say “Do you get it now?” And me realizing I wasn’t listening to a word they were saying but being too embarrassed of myself to say so, I would just say “Yeah I get it now” even though I really didn’t.

My parents as well, (mostly my dad) was very aggressive and thought that I was being disrespectful when I asked “why” after being told not to do something.

But it wasn’t that I was disrespectful or defiant in any way. It was simply because I didn’t understand ANYTHING. And I still don’t.

I’m 20 years old but I think like I’m very young... I’m not sure how young but I really just don’t feel my age, nor can I take on practically every responsibility of someone my age.

A lot of people have claimed that I’m just “lazy” and that’s really hurtful because I just don’t get things like other people do.

I don’t understand anything.

And something special about me is I’ve learned to mask this part of myself very privately. The thing is, I don’t want anyone knowing there’s something “wrong” with me or that I am “different” in any way.

So I struggled a lot in my childhood basically accepting everything that everyone said about me because in my head, I’d rather them think I was defiant or lazy than to think I’m stupid.

I remember never expressing to my teachers that I couldn’t follow along simply in fear of being put in a “special” class. It would have humiliated me. So I just hide it and accepted the bad grades I was getting for years.

Now I know everything I explained about about my attention span and all that doesn’t really equate to having Asperger’s. BUT there a lot of other qualities and characteristics about myself that do.

For example, I’ve been obsessed with things little kids do.. since, well, I was a little kid.-I just simply didn’t grow out of them. If you were to come to my house, it doesn’t look like 20 year old me lives here.. it looks more like a 7-14 year old lives here.

There’s nothing but toys and stuffed animals, dolls, coloring books, crayons, markers, pencils, blankets (that are all hello kitty or kid themed in some way), drawings, my little pony things, care bear things, Lisa Frank things, the list could go on & on. And I’m aware that ya know, a lot of “normal” people enjoy these things too. BUT a lot of “normal” people don’t actually play with them, they just have them.

Well me, I actually play with them. Every day I have to be carrying around a baby doll or stuffed animal of some sort and I’ve always been that way. I even enjoy the occasional bath with all my favorite my little ponies or hatchimal animals lined up on the side of the tub.

Another thing is, I don’t really enjoy “adult” movies. I mean I’ve seen plenty of them.. But I just don’t enjoy them as much, for some reason they always give me an odd feeling. I can’t ever be watching something unless it’s a kid movie or an animated film of some kind.

I spend a lot of time watching YouTube because I can control what I watch. I never really liked tv because I can’t control if an adult show/movie comes on. All I ever did was wait until it was super early in the morning to watch cartoons or wait until it was super late at night to watch them. I remember when I was around 14-15 and Adventure Time came out, I was so thrilled, because it came on right when I got of the bus after school.

But something really sad about all of my characteristics is that no one ever accepted them. My family, and my parents, in particular. They almost always made me feel stupid or ashamed for liking the things I liked.... and as I got older it only got worse... they constantly made comments like “you’re too old for that stuff” “don’t you wanna get rid of this?” “when will you stop playing with toys and stuffed animals?” “I’m NOT buying you that, that’s ridiculous”

I remember pretty well... Christmas started to be different. All I wanted was the usual things that made me happy... And my mom started to try to force fashion/clothes on me. Instead of just getting me the things I wanted for Christmas she would get me the things SHE wanted. I didn’t give a CRAP about fashion or clothes... all I wanted was my toys and stuffed animals and art-the things that made me happy.

I actually remember my grandma trying to enforce this on me as well. Both her and my mom would try to make me worry so much about my appearance, looking attractive, dressing girly/pretty, etc. That I actually went through a tomboy phase and wanted nothing to do with “girly” clothes at all. It was like my own personal boycott against them.

But this took a turn for the worst. I got bullied a lot in elementary and some in middle school because everyone told me I was so ugly and no one liked me or wanted to be friends with me.

And after years of this, around 7th grade I got really into makeup (I still wore boy-ish clothes of course) but I got really into makeup because the way that my own family members and peers treated me... made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. And the only way I knew to change that was to change the way I looked.

Lack of acceptance from peers is one thing, but the utter lack of acceptance from my own family is what caused me to spiral into uncontrollable depression and anxiety.

I’ve spent years feeling ashamed for how I am. And I spent a good portion of my teens trying to bury it because friends my age didn’t understand either and we’re always so concerned with appearing “mature” and “cool”.

I thank God I have a loving boyfriend who accepts me... but even his friends don’t understand me fully and will even give me weird looks or say rude things because they think I’m stupid or childish.

And let me tell you, not being accepted by your boyfriend’s friends, hurts a lot.

But I’ve gotten to the point I don’t care.-I mean.. kinda? I’m ehh.. I’m just.... highly sensitive and just about everything bothers me to the point I’ll fall into a deep depression for weeks at a time over ONE thing that someone said...

I have a problem with fixating on things for way too long.

(Oh, also I just realized I said I don’t owe anyone an explanation but here I am explaining myself) oh well.

Something else I wanted to mention is sensory overload because I know that’s something a lot of people with Asperger’s deal with. And so do I.

I always thought I was just a brat about certain things or something... but the vacuum cleaner would ALWAYS tick me off or make me super anxious. Every time my mom or dad would start to pull it out I was say “please DON’T” and I’d literally cry or just take myself outside. I always hated when they played loud music as well or had the volume turned up too loud on the tv. And I always tend to think people are yelling when they’re not. I remember getting in trouble a lot by my parents because I would tell them to be quite. And it’s not like I was telling them what to do, (because I obviously have no place I AM the child) but I always said it nicely or in a scared manor like “please don’t be loud, please don’t yell” and ironically that’s something they did a lot. My parents went through an almost-divorce when I was younger and all they constantly did was fight and yell and punch holes in the walls and all kinds of stuff.... which was severely triggering to me. As you could imagine.

So when I got older... like preteen (of course I was going through hormones) but also I was just learning not to let everyone walk all over me... or constantly fight and yell... so I reached a point where I was seen as a “bad kid” because I would yell right back... I just got tired of being yelled at and feeling so scared. I mean when I was little I would literally say “sorry! sorry! sorry! sorry! sorry! sorry!” extremely fast anytime I thought I had done something wrong. But when I hit my preteens/teens I was done with being a doormat. My anger had built up tremendously for years and I would fight and yell with my parents so much that I would have panic attacks and pull my hair out and punch myself in the face. Unfortunately, I even went through years of self harm/cutting.

But you have to realize, a lot of the things I was fighting with my parents about... started with them. And it was usually something very ridiculous like me leaving a ziplock bag in the fridge open or leaving the light on... and I was blamed for everything. I WAS the scape goat.

Which made what I was going through even more difficult.

They never once tried to get me the help I needed.

They never once tried to sit down and listen to me.

My voice did not matter in the slightest.

In fact, I feel like they knew there was something wrong with me. But they were too embarrassed to take me to get help in fear of being the parents with the “disabled” kid.

Also not to mention my mom mocked me a lot. She would call me retarded when she got mad. Or she would scream and say she couldn’t stand me and that I’m the worst kid in the world. And she would also call me ugly and laugh at me and say that I had Asperger’s. And when I was younger I didn’t even know what Asperger’s meant. In my adolescent head I thought “Ass burgers? What in the world is that?” Which made me believe it was just some funny term my mom made up to call me when she was mad. So sometimes I kinda laughed to.

Until I was older, I didn’t realize how sick she was for that.

I’ve had to do so much research on my own that it’s ridiculous. I’ve had no one to help me but myself and my boyfriend. And I’m struggled more now as an adult then I ever did as a child.

I have to go to a therapist or psychologist of some kind to get this sorted out.

I’m kinda scared to face my own reality... but then again it will be the validation I’ve so strongly needed my whole life.

It will give me answers I think.... and maybe it will relieve some of my guilt.

I feel like if I go get evaluated I won’t feel so ashamed anymore.

I’m so sorry this was such a long post but one of the things I do to cope is come to Reddit for support and see if I can make friends or at least talk to people who understand what I’m going through.

I appreciate anyone and everyone who can share with me some words of advice or share with me their story.

Thank you ♡

Submitted August 18, 2019 at 05:18AM by shayla_mk https://ift.tt/2Z9Fqnl