Swordsmanship

I've always loved swords, and doing swordsmanship is one of my biggest dreams. I want to collect swords too. They just make me so happy for an unknown reason. I just found out there are iaido classes in my town, and I could really sign up to take those classes. I'm not into sports but martial arts, especially those that either involve energy centers (like tai chi) or swords (kendo/iaido), really interest me. I wear contacts now so I can feel free to practice them without worrying about glasses.

Except. Right now, I'm slightly hypomanic. I'm less hypo than at the beginning of the summer (June heatwave + my uncle's death sent me into hypomania, if it weren't for lithium I would've gone full manic since it was a really intense one, and the last heat wave put me back into an overly excited and distractible state), but I still am right now. I don't want to make decisions I will regret. Because what if I sign up and don't like the class, or the teacher, and bail out? What if I can't honour my commitment even though I want to?

What if they refuse me because I'm bipolar? They might not want a medical certificate but I'm still somewhat impaired despite treatment and I'll have to say there is a reason if I am absent a lot during certain periods.

I have a story to illustrate what I'm trying to say. I love dramatic arts and theater, but I don't want to perform, I just love acting. In my last year of high school, which was 2 years ago, I joined the drama club of my school, and the debilitating depressive episode that hit me + the fact we didn't always rehearse our scene (I had a secondary role) got me to think "why do I even come if I don't even get to act, I'm bored as fuck" + the teacher who hated me because I would not come at times due to depression + the sensory overload when we rehearsed on stage (and that was the final nail in the coffin, I stopped and my backup played instead of me), led me to just fear those things. I really want to try something new, especially if it's about something I've always loved, but... I'm afraid. I'm just so afraid.

I've broken plenty of commitments already because some FUCKING EPISODE destroyed whatever I had in mind. I was unmedicated back then, but I can't count the times I started doing something and got distracted by an episode or just started while being hypo or even manic, and then boom, gone once the episode is there. I don't want this. I want to live my life like any other person.

I have no idea what to do. I just want to cry right now.

Submitted July 28, 2019 at 12:08AM by Chernushka https://ift.tt/2JWqPDk