ugh, today was long and tough. I haven't been sleeping great, I'm so bored of sleeping, I hate sleeping, and I hate the eternal dreams and nightmares, it's seriously exhausting, I hate sleeping. So it just puts me in a bad mood just starting the day. I made pancakes first thing though, but they sucked so that made it worse haha I went to the beach, just for a drive, it was nice, but definitely felt pretty pointless, still nice though. I also got a haircut, it's way too short, I look like I signed up for the army...it's not great, not terrible, but not great. I did start reading the Book of Mormon though, so that was nice, an I hung out with my mom and brother for quite a while.
Overall though, the whole day was just marred with this dark cloud. I was SUPER craving porn, I mean I was this close to googling some stuff. I just want to see my old favorites...I miss it all a lot. And just with my particular addiction, I freaking miss looking at penises lol I just miss the novelty, the freedom, the taboo, the kink. I miss the dopamine. I just miss it all so much and DESPERATELY want to google some stuff. Just depresses me. But on top of that all I had pretty poor body image today. Again, just thinking a lot about my penis and stuff. I got it in my head thinking about flaccid size, I get obsessed with my size, it's gotten MUCH better, but I'm still paranoid. A lot of it is what porn did for me, it gave me that validation, so now when I see or think of my body, I think I'm a porn star and it's all tangled up in my mind. On a side note I'm literally average on every dimension, based off studies, I am "average" (which by the way is a misnomer, "average" is not "normal", average is taking all sizes and dividing it up by the amount of men, so those few that are 1" and the few that are 10" skew everything for everyone else. In my opinion from what I've seen and learned, I would say "normal" is 3.5-5, that is the most common size you will see if looking at REAL random men. Anyway...). So it just wigged me out all day. And now I really thought I was doing ok, but I just saw a stupid commercial talking all about penises! Like what the heck is that!? They were in an art class sketching men's penises and talking and joking all about it, and of course the model is like a gorgeous "hunk". Blah. I'm just so frustrated and don't know how to deal with these emotions!!!
AND on top of it, last night I totally destroyed my thumbnail, I chewed it SO low, it hurts a lot. I can't seem to stop chewing my nails. AND I super overate today. Like 1000 over. Like bad. It just sucks. I really wanted to do better, but it's so hard and I'm just desperate to get away from all this stuff! All these emotions and confusion, I can't deal with it all!
It was just a bad day...
Submitted July 03, 2019 at 09:56AM by PMOFreeForever https://ift.tt/2Xn3QVw
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