I have had GAD since I was 10 years old. I am 20 years old now. I typed myself as an INTP when I was 16, however, I am wondering if INTP is my actual type or if I am shadowing. My group therapist thought I was an INTJ. Now I am confused.
• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.
20 years old. Female. Student of Biomedical engineering. Aspiring neuroscientist or psychiatrist.
• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?
I have had GAD ever since I was 10. I had violent delusions from 10-11 years old. Went to therapy. My delusions went away but my parents took me out prematurely against my therapists wishes. I most likely suffered from untreated anxiety disorder throughout my adolescence. Once I went to college, my anxiety became much more extreme. The delusions came back way worse than they were before. I became extremely suicidal. I am now on medication and going through therapy. I am doing a lot better and can feel genuine happiness now. GAD, sadly, will be a lifelong illness for me.
• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?
My childhood was ok. My adolescents was painful.
I was raised catholic when I was a child. My parents were not too religious, and I wanted to rediscover my faith. I tried bible school, but decided religion is not for me. I know suspect the holy texts were changed by leaders of the church to fit their narrative. I wish I could feel the group spirituality organized religion gives, but I do not trust any organized religion. I have learned that you do not need religion to feel spiritual. My boyfriend is catholic and love to debate him on spiritual topics. We have similar philosophies, mine just doesn't include God. I also have friends of different religions and like to question them about their beliefs.
I would rather not go into more detail about my childhood on the internet.
• What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?
I am in biomedical engineering, research track. I love it. I want to become a neuroscientist or a psychiatrist. I love learning about how the human brain functions and neuropathology. I would like to focus my research in mental illness and mental illness treatment because mental illness runs heavily in my family. Last lab I worked in was a neuroimaging lab. My job was to research and develop a method of inverse normalization for fMRI brain scans. I found one in the neuroimaging program I was using. I am still trying to work out the details, but I am almost done with that project.
The research I will focus on in the future included medical imaging, bioinformatics, and data analysis.
• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?
I spend a lot of my time alone. I am alright with a day or two being alone, but after that I get really lonely and depressed. I like spending the majority of my day alone but require a few hours of human interaction, even if it is nonverbal. I spend my weekends doing homework, studying, lounging, or hanging out with friends.
• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?
I like solitary activities. I used to game and draw a lot until engineering school happened. Now I don't have free time! I used to do a lot of TaeKwonDo and Kendo, but I am taking a break from those activities to focus on my health. I also like harassing playing with my pets. I have a pet Children's Python who calms me when I have anxiety attacks. She is such a curious little noodle! I also have an old bengal cat and her son. The bengal loves attention and will fight anything that gets in the way of pets. I also have a betta fish who spends his day moping around his tank or flaring at the snails. He does not scare anyone. He is also scared of being pointed at.
Some group activities I love are DND, fighting games, and general goofing off. My friends and I talk a lot about cute animals, opinions, current events, aspirations, and stupid shit other people are doing. I also freak people out with gross facts! My boyfriend hates it when I bring up gross and morbid things when we are eating!
• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
Very curious. I love to explore and learn! I am fascinated with any science of the mind as well as physical sciences. Neuroscience combines the two in a happy medium. I always had an obsession with various scientific fields, even as a kid. I also love hiking and exploring different cultures. My friends have to keep a tight grasp on me (literally) to stop me from wandering off. I am fascinated with cultures outside of the states. My boyfriend's family is filipino, and I love learning about their culture and traditions. I am starting to learn a little bit of tagalog from my bf and his family so I can better communicate.
• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
I do often. I am good at managing, organizing, and scheduling. I am also really good at generating ideas. I usually think of 3-5 ideas and narrow them down from there. Sometimes, my ideas can be a bit abstract and unrealistic, so I have to improvise. I can get really passionate about my ideas and can be pushy. My main goal is to keep the group running as efficiently as possible, keep the workload fair, and keep harmony among the group, but I will push my ideas more forcefully than I would like to admit.
• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?
A bit too much. My GAD acts like OCD sometimes. I like to keep an organized schedule. When I don't meet personal deadlines I have anxiety attacks. It is getting much better now with therapy-- I am more realistic with my schedule. I have learned to accept spontaneity and enjoy it heartily. However, in order to keep up with my workload, I have to budget my schedule.
Oh... that type of coordination. Oops. Yes. I used to be a mechanic on a robotics team and I also do martial arts. I had a lot of practice.
• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.
Yes. I enjoy character design. I actually wanted to be an animator before a researcher. I have a drawing journal. Also, drawing helps me cope with anxiety attacks.
• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?
The past is a painful subject to me. Very bittersweet.
The present is both hopeful and desperate due to the current political climate. I am coming up on finals next week and am STRESSED! After finals I get to go back to research! Woo Hoo! I am getting help for my medical issues but am in danger of having my health insurance skyrocket due to deregulation of private insurance companies and destruction of government health care.
I have a lot of hope for the future. A lot of big plans including grad school and going green. Short term, though, I want to save up enough money to move into an apartment with my friends next year. I am also dual majoring Biomedical engineering and a masters of science. I want to do some research after my bachelors to pay off my loans then go into grad school.
• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
Depends on the task. Is it reasonable? Do I feel like helping them? I am usually a helpful person. I was a lot more helpful as a child, but that was due to the fear of being hurt. Now that I am more mentally stable, I really only help if it is not too much stress to me. I do general polite actions such as hold the door for people or help people clean up messes. More involved help includes giving resources and advice or listening to their problems. I have a good network of friends that do this as well. I feel apart of the community when I am mindful of others.
I do not help others if I feel like I am being browbeat into doing it. It happened a lot when I was a minor and I want to avoid that form of mental control now that I recognize what is happening.
• Do you need logical consistency in your life?
Yes. I like logic. Everything must have logical consistency. I do not like observing things I cannot rationalize. "Just because" and other shallow answers to questions drive me nuts. If I can't understand it, I must figure it out.
• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?
I hate wasting time. I want to get tasks done as quickly as possible so I can move on to something more interesting or so I can be lazy. Wasting time doing petty tasks is incredibly obnoxious!
• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?
Absolutely not! I am a victim of abuse and one of my greatest fears is that I control and use people in the ways that hurt me. I can be very pushy when I want something, but I am not controlling.
• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?
I thought I already answered this question. In between homework I like to listen to music (usually edgy music), draw, paint my nails, and watch funny youtube videos or reptile/fish/dog/cat care videos. My favorite youtube channels include Jenna Marbles, Simply Nailogical, Snake Discovery, Clint's Reptiles, the Fish Whisperer, Go Herping, and a few other channels. I hope to get back into gaming when I have more time. I still game a little, but I don't have near as much time to do so!
• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?
Visual learner and kinesthetic learner. I like figuring things out for myself. I enjoy research because of the process of discovery and learning it requires. It is never a straightforward answer. Instead, you get many leads and one of them happens to be a breakthrough. I am really excited to start a co-op in the future which will have me analysing EEG data on mice models for ALS research! I also learn through debate and discussion, and probably I find that the most enjoyable method of learning.
• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?
I love strategizing and I am decent at it. One of my favorite games is chess. I do a fair bit of winging it though. I strategize first, then if all plans fail, I wing it. It's a pretty good system I have going. I notice a lot of other engineering students using it too!
• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally?
My goal for life is to help people who do not have the resources to help themselves. My aspiration to become a neuroscientist or psychiatrist play into this goal. I also want to live a fulfilling life. My family has had a rough past and I would like to raise my kids in the stable environment I did not have as a child. I also want to go green by installing solar panels to my future house and buying an electric car. I also want to help with wildlife conservation. I fulfilled my dream of getting a pet snake and want to get a pet tarantula in the future. My boyfriend and I are pretty sure that we want to get married in the future. If so, I would like to start a family with him and raise our kids in a filipino-american style.
• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?
I fear many things. Genocide, war, crushing poverty, losing my medication and support system, abuse, helplessness, being incompetent. I was verbally abused in the past, so when anyone raises their voice at me I have panic attacks due to the past trauma. I also lack confidence due to my GAD. Nothing I do is ever good enough for me.
• What do the "highs" in your life look like?
Coffee shops, hanging out with friends, research, being immersed in my passion, feeling fulfilled, romantic evening at home with my bf watching movies and anime, gaming, relaxing, discovering, being with animals, hot drinks, outings, festivals.
• What do the "lows" in your life look like?
Verbal abuse, pessimism, fear mongering, racism, hatred, seeing others hurt, having bad illness days, feeling worthless and helpless, wasting time.
• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?
My trauma response was to daydream. I did not allow anyone to become emotionally close to me as a teenager. I had a lot of social anxiety. I still daydream a lot, but I care more about reality. Daydreaming is an escape from life's stress. My main focus is on reality and my ambitions now, not on escapism.
• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?
Sounds like a perfect time to take a nap! I am always tired...
• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?
I take a while due to my anxiety. I am indecisive. No decision is ever perfect and that drives me nuts! Once I make a decision, I usually stick to it. Second guessing myself causes anxiety attacks, so I cannot afford to go back.
• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?
A long time. I have always had a horrible time with my emotions. I went to the ER last month because my stress was so severe I thought I was dying. The doc gave me a valium to chill me out. I use my physical symptoms to judge how severe my reaction is. I have to keep my emotions in check. If I get excited I launch myself into an anxiety attack-- doesn't matter if the emotion is positive, negative, or neutral.
• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?
I have mastered the art of disagreeing but appearing like I am agreeing. I don't want to expend energy I don't have getting into a worthless argument with strangers or stubborn people, so I will politely say my opinion in a non confrontational, almost appeasing manner. If they push it, I say "I disagree" and let it go. I have managed to get into pleasant conversations with radicals through that tactic and I have also managed to annoy a lot of people. If I know and trust the person, I am more aggressive. I have no problem disagreeing with my boyfriend or parents and calling them out. If someone hurts another person or breaks one of my principles, I will get very angry and confrontational. I have only agreed with people a few times when I actually disagreed with them, and that is because I was terrified of them. I sensed they were a dangerous person and just wanted to get away from them as quickly as possible.
• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?
Meh. Only when I really disagree with them. I am very self-regulating and responsible, so I tend to not break rules. I only break rules if I am in danger, someone else is in danger, my property is in danger, or if cute animals are involved. I also jaywalk.
Submitted July 30, 2019 at 03:27AM by Younce-Davis https://ift.tt/2YE5OWw
No comments:
Post a Comment