Help with letting go

This might be a long post so bare with me as I try to find the best way to explain. Please forgive any incorrect terms. I will flop between he and she because of how we talk and explain stuff to each other in our relationship so if you need me to clarify something please ask and don't jump down my throat for not using the appropriate pronouns. And some terms may blend over into a sexual way because I am not sure how else to express it.

My boyfriend (now girlfriend) just came out as MtF about 2, 2.5 months ago. I am super supportive of this! I have been helping buy clothes and shave hair paint nails and whatever else I can do. We are working figuring out how to make this transition at her work as well. Now here is where I am struggling.

I am genderfluid, pansexual. When she is out in full makeup and clothes around the house it tends to trigger my male side alot. My posture changes, I am a protector and no one is going to fuck with my girl. I have always been very dominant with women. But with men I have always wanted a strong man who I feel safe with who I know can protect me. I am trained in martial arts and working on my CC. I am a completely independent strong person.

I can't figure out how to allow myself to be more feminine when she is around. Best example I have is cuddling on the couch. When feeling feminine I want to be cuddled up my head in his lap his arms around me so I feel safe. I don't have those same feelings when she is around because I have to be the guy.

I feel like if I am feminine around her it is leading to some jealousy issues on both our parts. Hers because she doesn't have the body for how she feels and I feel like I am shoving it in her face when I am not intending too. So now I don't feel like I have to ability to float back and forth.

We also went from the start of this 2 months ago of it thinking it was just a sexual kink to figuring it out that she actually is trans and been hiding it deep down to now to even be able to talk to a therapist she has to have already started HRT. But I am nervous about so much when it comes to HRT. Hearing peoples stories about how sex changes. And it scares both if us because we have an amazing sex life and don't want to lose that.

We have tried talking stuff over. And I understand that she has been dealing with this for 38 years and is just seeing doors finally opening but for 2 almost this months for me this has all moved so unbelievably fast. And I am struggling to figure out how to allow her to happen but also deal with my issues of feeling like I am losing the male side of her that i initially met and fell in love with.

I love her. Don't get me wrong. I am fully supportive but just scared at the same time.

Submitted July 20, 2019 at 07:20PM by switchds89 https://ift.tt/2JIYArY