Two years later, I just can't figure it out. Can you help?

• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.

I'm a 22 year old male. Around trusted friends, I'm goofy yet discerning, thoughtful and enthusiastic, interested in discussions and activities that center around peaceful and relaxing experiences. Around acquaintances, I might come off as formal, concerned with leaving a positive impression and appearing competent, grounded and open-minded. I am passionate about music and style. I love nature, serenity, feelings of harmony between myself and my physical and social environment, and developing myself into a better man. But I still find that I am too full of contradictions. Analyzing myself causes me to feel anxiety.

• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?

I suspect I might have a bit of social anxiety. I am probably overly self-conscious in public. Do all these people think I'm weird? Am I weird?! Then come the spiraling thoughts and doubt.

• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?

I was raised mainly by my mother, since my dad was and is busy virtually all of the time. My mother has always imposed structure in my life. I believe she sees me as a wayward youth, smart but out-of-touch, cynical and stubborn, and wants to transform me into a go-getter, a doer, somebody who easily manages all the little threads of life (taxes, filling out forms, networking, personal finance). Although I resent her micromanagement at times, I would be lying if I said that I don't see the value in it. Despite my proud inner dialogue that my way is always best, I frequently realize how often my mother's advice hits the nail right on the head.

My father is a pensive, bookish man who prefers to live in a domain of values and beauty. He comes from an old American family. He has taught me a lot about the importance of maintaining one's reputation, being gutsy to wrangle a job or opportunity from a difficult position, how to treat others, etc. He is my model for how a man should be, and so his disapproval of my teenage music interests, for instance ("Turn that garbage off") deeply impacted me. He and I often spar: Who can come up with the best word to describe x or y? Whose joke was the funniest?

My household is nominally religious, mainline protestant.

• What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?

I recently graduated from college and have been trying to find a job. I studied China in college, and so my options in the States are limited. I am slowly working toward an opportunity that would allow me to do research under a highly regarded professor. In the meantime, I am running my own freelance editing business. I love editing--it makes me feel comfortable. And I love knowing that, if my work is up to my professional standards, my client will be impressed and pleased by the quality of the work they receive. I want to make sure my clients are confident about their investment in my services, and I love to hear their positive words once the work is done! In the main, though, I can't bear to have a job in which I can't use this massive store of knowledge about China that I developed through hard work in college. Somewhere down the road, I want to be part--even just a tiny part--of a revival of friendliness and understanding between the U.S. and China. I think one of the most impactful ways I can get involved in that is by forging relationships between people and by educating Americans about China to show them the similarities between the two countries and their people.

• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?

I would feel refreshed, but perhaps a little lonely. I think if I could text a few friends throughout that would help a lot.

• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?

I like to see myself as a nature person. I love to be in the woods, just wandering, listening to music. But I also can be somewhat of a homebody. All in all, I like activities that are free from stress and pressure, and can teach me about new things or things I'm already interested in.

I don't really like sports to the same degree that many men my age do. But I am a solid long-distance runner. I like sports that I can use to better myself and harden my mental endurance. I like to compete against myself when I run. I like both indoor and outdoor activities.

• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?

I think I would enjoy taking on a leadership position, provided I can be sure that the people I am leading are comfortable with my leadership and don't resent me as some pretentious brainiac (which has happened). I would like to be an empowering leader, someone who helps others realize their own potential, with some practical guidance and a lot of trust and respect. I'd like to make sure each plan can play to the strengths, goals and passions of each member without anyone feeling bulldozed or left-out. I would like to be a strongly moral leader, without coming off as a traditionalist or some sort of cleric (haha). An egalitarian leader (if that exists).

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• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.

I am quietly artistic. I like to draw people, objects, buildings, logos, etc. I also really enjoy painting. I love poetry and writing above all. I don't think I'm that great at art, but I enjoy the feeling of creating. I also don't like to show my art to just anybody. I have to be sure that they will appreciate it.

• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?

If I could, I would live in one of those movies where past romances are still attainable, my best friends are around, I can re-feel heartbreak while insulated from the pain brought on by the present. I am past and future oriented--I place great trust in the future, particularly my ability to eventually work things out, to apply myself and actualize myself in a future role of my own creation. I look forward to the wisdom I will gain from the passing of time. The present is no fun, but I have learned to stay involved and on-the-ball when it comes to practical matters. I enjoy making to-do lists, and challenging myself to maintain a schedule (i.e., wake up early). I am not even close to being consistent in this way, but I am working toward my goal of being more present-oriented.

• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?

I will help. It depends on how much I like the person, or how much I can tell they need a helping hand in the moment. For instance, if my friend has been having a rough week, and asks me to help get them some coffee because they're running late, I will happily go and get them some coffee, and maybe add a personal touch, like a little note. I love to feel like I'm helpful to people I care about. If I don't feel useful to people I care about the most, I feel pretty awful.

• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?

I am a hard-working person, frustrated by my own tendency to be lazy and procrastinate. I would say it is very important that I am efficient and productive in life, because I want to be a reliable, consistent anchor for the people who care about me.

• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?

Maybe. I try not to be controlling. Personally, I hate being controlled and know that most people do, too. Sometimes I will want to change my friend's destructive behavior. I will talk them through it in a serious but not judgmental way, and try to see if I can't help them get to a better understanding, themselves.

• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?

I like to go on Wikipedia, I love to listen to music by myself or with close friends just at the right moment (the other day, I was happy to see my friends like the song I picked to watch the moonrise with). I like skateboarding, bicycling, making coffee, reading, learning languages. I guess I like to fantasize that I'm that original, authentic black sheep kid in the movies who is more concerned with exploring the river behind his house than dealing with his unpopularity at school.

• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?

I am a visual learner, and I also need specific, concrete examples to understand something new. Logic appeals to me.

• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?

I enjoy strategizing. I used to be much more improvisational, but I've recently come to enjoy breaking tasks into chunks and taking it one chunk at a time.

• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally?

Making the world a slightly better place, contributing something of value to the people around me and in my field, being part of some movement for progress, being financially stable and having a constructive understanding and acceptance of myself. Being able to be fully there for people who trust and rely on me. Being a role model for my future children and an excellent husband to my future wife.

• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?

That i'm inauthentic, that my friends secretly despise me, that I'm annoying, inconsistent, unreliable, etc. I hate it when people condescend to me, or call into question knowledge I bring to the table.

• What do the "highs" in your life look like?

Confident, feeling in control of myself, applying my knowledge to the work I'm doing, feeling like what I'm doing is constructive and important, taking care of my body and health, positive interactions with friends.

• What do the "lows" in your life look like?

Anxious, avoidant, bitter, cut-off from my friends and family, self-destructive, out of control, letting my health deteriorate, thought loops

• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?

I spend most of my day in my own head. But I remain conscious of the things around me and how my body feels.

• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?

How to get out.

• How long do you take to make a decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?

I make decisions after a while of thinking, but sometimes they can be instantaneous. I don't like to change my mind after, so I usually just try to push ahead.

• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?

I have to take a step back and process. Emotions are an unavoidable part of my life, but my emotions are so frequently depressing I try to stay away from them. I guess when I'm in a positive space, my emotions become a source of happiness and confidence for me.

• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?

Yes! I just like to see the other person feeling agreed with, understood, normal and uncriticized. If I can make that person feel just a little bit more comfortable, and if doing so won't totally trample my values, I am happy to appease.

• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?

I do sometimes break the rules that I think are pretty stupid. I think authority should be challenged and I'm somewhat of a Marxist (don't tell my mom). But usually I reprimand myself for breaking the rules; I don't think it sets a good example for younger people or my future behavior. I always want to be a version of myself I can be proud of, and when I inevitably fall short of that, it's not fun.

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Thank you!!!

Submitted June 24, 2019 at 10:27PM by natureslanguage http://bit.ly/2LeqOMq