Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Stuff that came up in counselling today. Possible TW, just in case. ["Registered Carer"]

Hi, everyone. Yes, it's me again. The 49F with the 72 year old Mum who imagines she's my carer, yadda yadda… But this post isn't about her, just for a change. I had quite a gruelling counselling session this morning and I just want to share it, as I think it's going to take some processing.

Whilst talking to my counsellor, I became aware of some feelings coming up which I've been supressing for literally decades - not to put too fine a point on it, my step-dad really, really creeps me out. He always has. I've swallowed the feelings down so as not to make a fuss & get into trouble, and also to protect my Mum (even though I've got problems with her too, I do actually love my Mother). Not him though. He really, really gives me the willies. I don't like being on my own around him. I'm not saying he's ever "tried" anything on - it isn't that. He's never actually laid a finger on me although he can be inappropriate on occasion - many years ago, when he was drunk, he once asked me if I'd ever had an orgasm. He is also a verbal bully and can be really threatening - when my brother and I were little, he used to threaten us saying, "If you do that again, I will HURT you!" He never did but then, he didn't have to after that, did he?

I complained to my father once, when I was in my early teens, saying that step-dad was treating us badly. He got really angry with me & ordered me to never mention it again.

I know some stuff about him Mum doesn't - his sexual harassment of a neighbour, for example. They complained to me, not Mum. I also know about his assaulting a girl when he was younger - he threw her into a patch of nettles because she was annoying him. I suspect there's other stuff I don't know about too.

He's also filthy dirty and only has a bath when Mum nags him into it. He bites his nails and spits the bitten off pieces onto the floor. He insists on kissing me on the mouth (as I've posted about before!) He shoots rats in the back garden from the upstairs window! Ack ack ack...

He has also made sure that Mum has given up all her outside activities and has only 1 or 2 friends. She dares not be out for more than a few hours at a time without him. It is creepy and horrible.

I've swallowed down these feelings since I was 9 years old. Mum would say, if she knew that I was being unfair, that step-dad has "done so much" for me, that he loved me, would do anything for me... it's all a delusion, in her own head, because the truth is too painful to face. And I've been protecting her from the truth. As me and the counsellor looked at each other, the full horror of it began to sink in. No wonder I'm chronically ill; no wonder my periods never started; no wonder I'm an inveterate people-pleaser, terrified of upsetting people. I've set myself on fire to keep everyone else warm. Am I angry about it? Oh, you bet. The full extent of it is only just beginning to sink in. This could take quite a bit of processing.

Edit: at the risk of making this post really long, I just wanted to share something which happened in my early 20's - a long time ago, I know, and doubtless my parents would think I was crazy even to remember it. I was still living at home, and had recently been diagnosed with ME, and one day I had both a gynae appointment and an art therapy appointment - at opposite ends of the city. I'd slept really badly, and after my gynae appointment decided to give art therapy a miss (which I know was naughty of me). When I got home, I phoned the art therapy people to explain & they were cool about it. What I didn't realise was that step-dad was home from work & was decidedly not cool about it, after listening in on my conversation. He screamed at me to get upstairs, forced me into my bedroom, drew the curtains & shut the door, saying I wasn't to move or speak. (Don't worry - he didn't touch me!) I lay there for a while, feeling scared and angry. He hadn't actually locked me in though, so I sort of got out & ran round to my friend's house (which was only in the next street). Luckily she was in & was horrified. She took me out for coffee and a cake & I began to feel better, but there was Hell to pay when I got home, as you can imagine. Mum was frantic (step-dad had called her to say I'd run away!), and step-dad had also called the therapy centre, really angry, saying that I "was on my way to them, that he'd sent me there..." I never told Mum what step-dad had actually done.



Submitted June 19, 2019 at 05:04PM by turbochickenkiev http://bit.ly/2ISgaI7

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