Hey, sooo... this is a bit of a long one, so lemme just drop the details. I'm AMAB, currently 19. Never loved being male. Currently sick of it. Been questioning myself as MtF trans for more or less 1.5 years now, dipping in and out of full belief in my female side and getting "dysphoria" (I think it's that at least), and being in either a state of apathy or denial towards my trans feelings. I have more than enough evidence that would prove me to be trans. I pass the button test, I've made checklists and whole pages just looking at upsides and downsides of transitioning vs not. I went to a gender therapist for a few weeks a while back and they basically dismissed my doubts of being cis right off the bat and assured me that my experiences seemed typical of trans women my age. She immediately went to focusing on the bigger problem, coming out as trans to my family/others.
I am currently out as "questioning but probably MtF" to a very loving and supportive group of friends, and have this community here on reddit who've made me feel welcome to be myself if it should turn out I actually transition in the end. I'm going into my 2nd year of college and thankfully it's a very chill arts school so there will be zero resistance if I transition.
The problem as I said before is with my parents.
Opening up about gender related things to my family, despite it being important to myself and my identity, always feels like I'm trying to pull a nail out of a board with my fingers. It's goddamn hard and hurts like hell when I do. I topd them I was questioning like half a year ago, and I've kept talking to them over and over and still nothing slips by. My dad "only wants me to succeed and do what's best for me", and keeps restating over and over how to him I have always seemed like a "regular straight guy". He only wants me to transition if I know for sure that I'm mtf, which is sort of impossible until you start hrt, based on what I've heard on this subreddit. My mom, on the other hand, thinks I'm just a very confused and a feminine boy who's going through a harmful identity crisis. She keeps pinning me down with excuses like "I can't deal with this" and "Can't you just wait until you're out of school" and tbh that terrifies me because I'm 19, and I would rather be living my life for 3 years and getting into my career as my true self than blast 3 years into the bin and feel shitty the whole time as a my male body makes me into even more of a hairy mess.
They say it's ok, but act like it's touchy or gross. They say it's okay but also that I just need to accept myself as my current male state because "that's practicing mindfulness". They say I'm just like my older sister who flunked out of school because she wasted her time and money on the wrong things, that I'm having an identity crisis, and that if I keep going on this path they might consider holding me back a year from school so I don't waste our money.
It's like every goddamn time I say that I feel like a girl, they use this sadistic combination of guilt-tripping and shaming along with false supportiveness to create this barrier that I can't fucking get through. It's really frustrating.
I've been stuck at home over summer break for the past 3 months. They've stopped me shaving my arms and legs. They complain about my lgbt friends who are "unsuccessful" and say I'm getting influenced into wasting my life. I'm sick of this and I can't confront them without feeling like crap and I just want SOMETHING to happen already rather than the current state of melancholy and apathy and self-doubt I'm going through.
I should know I'm trans for sure by now but being home is suffocating me and I can't get out until the end of the summer. I've experimented with crossdressing and pronouns and etc etc etc but I just have to ask-
How in the hell should I move forward??
Submitted June 19, 2019 at 02:00AM by Chromecho http://bit.ly/2INvKF2
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