My mother is an emotionally selfish woman.

I go to the States for school, I went to a private high school and now college and want to pursue psychiatry and hopefully a master degree. But my mother is a selfish person. Although there are times she would idealize her claim-to-be personal belief: things doesn’t really matter as long as I’m happy but subconsciously she is still selfish. And she will disagree. She will counter argue with the counts of days she wakes up early to make breakfast, times she sacrificed her nap and comfort time to take care of me and my brother, nights she rushed me to the doctor, struggles she had gone through for us to have what we have today. I recognize her effort indeed, but at this point she makes me feel like I owe her everything she has given me, that I am in debt and chased after for the payment. I am provided but not given, I don’t feel blessed, all I feel is I was lent my life. I appreciate her, but as a generous loan. My family isn’t the wealthiest, they would try to afford mine and my brother’s education and it seem like they could with some help from me as soon as I could. And I do plan so. I’m expected to take care of my brother’s expenses when it’s his turn to move to the US. That’s how I’m paying back my loan and I am constantly, unnecessarily, uncomfortably reminded of. I’d do my best at school, try to get scholarships (I mean that’s a way to make money without sacrificing too much from my study) and hopefully get a job on campus. But it seems like my mother doesn’t see it as practical as she wants it to be, the money is not (yet) guaranteed so she wanted me to take classes for nail art and lashes extension. At first I voluntarily took them, but at some point I couldn’t stand the chemicals used in nails and wanted to opt out. She took it as laziness. And she won’t let me quit because she doesn’t want to lose face with the instructor (she’s her client). Actively making money seems not to be the safest option to her, she wants to get married to an American in exchange for citizenship, even a fake marriage. I don’t want to, she thinks I’m too prideful and stupid. My boyfriend (a patient, kind, talented and intelligent man) and I have been dating for more than a year. I’ve never been with somebody this long not been this happy. Generally she seems to support the relationship yet constantly rants about his appearance and I could have gotten somebody “better” (as in older and richer) and what will she tell her friends and acquaintances about her daughter’s boyfriend, maybe she would have to deny it. She is not actively controlling but the stigma, the expectation, the “suggestions” are suffocating and unhappy. Me, my life has to be about how she’d look as a parent not who I am as an individual.

Part of why I’m passionate about psychology is that I was sexually assault/molested by a family member, which I kept to myself for more than 12 years and had been dealing with the trauma myself until once I broke down in a class and I told a teacher. But I never told my mom and I never will. Partly I don’t want to scar her, but on the other hand I fear her blame and judgment. I’ve grown to somewhat despise my mother, look down on her judgment and emotional intelligence and tired of what she has to say. I once attempted to take my life, right before coming home from America, she was want of the reasons I didn’t enjoy living.

Submitted June 30, 2019 at 01:37PM by nguyenkhue https://ift.tt/2ZWPblI