Wednesday, June 19, 2019

I (21NB) don't know how to deal with my parent's failing marriage/mother (41F/30sM)

tl;dr: I'm stuck between a failing marriage in hawaii that I'm unable to leave until Aug. 10 and it is triggering memories from my childhood. It is slightly affecting my current relationship with my GF(21).

As I'm writing this I'm suppressing a panic attack after my mother yelled at my step-father for about 20min.

History: I am not close to my step-father as she married him when I was about 17. They're military so they move around a lot and my mother was never really in my life until 16 (she was deployed and I would only see her 1-2 a year max). I currently live with my biological father and his mother which I am close to. During school I live in a dorm, but I am still about a 3hr drive from my father compared to a 11hr plane ride to my mother. My mom/step-dad pay for my college and I am very grateful to them for that. My mother and father have a history of yelling at each other and getting into fights while in front of me. This is mostly my mom screaming at my father in front of me OR yelling at me because my dad didn't do something for me. In addition, she would scream/hit me while I was younger if I did one thing wrong. This was not because of just her PTSD from the military (although I am sure it made it worse), she did this to me before she was deployed. Currently she is medicated/in therapy (and better than she was before) but she still terrifies me and will yell at me over small things still. My step-dad and mom met while stationed in Korea, married about 1.5 years later while stationed in Texas. My mom is no longer in the military and is a stay at home spouse. I very much resent my mother. She is one of the reasons why I tried to kill myself when I was 12. I am only staying with her this summer because I felt obligated to (I am beginning to regret my decision).

Obviously, because of this history with my mother, whenever she starts yelling I shut down and get panic attacks and feel helpless. I try to think of ways to diffuse the situation and even tell her to "calm down" or "stop yelling" so that I can better process her complaints (which she does not listen to). Her presence obviously traumatized/traumatizes me. When she screamed at my step-father I was sent back to when I was younger and thought about my father getting screamed at by my mother. My step-father seems very unhappy with his relationship with my mother and I can see the look in his eyes, almost the same as mine whenever I look at my mom. He is very quiet, does not like talking to my mom, and I believe I talk to him more than my mom. I am very empathetic so I can feel his pain and how uncomfortable he is.

My mother's complaints to my step dad from the argument: He spends all his time at work. He works from 6am - 7pm. He goes to sleep at around 8. Weekends free. He treats her like a friend. He does not spend anytime with her. He does not talk to her. He wants to keep all his money instead of spend it. Takes too long to get things done that would benefit her/me. She has to put in all the work with getting the house clean (I help). She puts all the blame on him and never herself (this is a very common thing).

My mom spends a lot of money and although I have money and work as a babysitter/take art commissions, she always wants to pay for me with the money my father makes. She is a splurge spender and would pay hundreds on hair/nails/etc. making me very guilty for spending money that my mother has no problem spending. I am guilty because how he feels. Several times my mom had to borrow hundreds from me so they can last until pay day (they make 100k a year).

The constant guilt, pain, and anxiety with being around my mom and her failing marriage is starting to affect my relationship with my gf of 4 months. Currently I cannot see her for 2 months total. The constant negativity is making me second guess my relationship thinking "what if i turn into this?" "what if i'm unhappy with my gf?" "what if--" you get the point. Even when I talk to her I have not much to say because I am so miserable. i love my gf, even if we are young we have similar ideas of the future and expectations. thinking these things hurt me so much but i can't stop thinking about it because I'm in this constant environment. The distance is not the issue, but rather what I am surrounded with.

This place is making me feel very depressed. All I want to do is vent to people because I'm so stressed. I have no friends here to hang out with to get a break. I am constantly with my mother 24/7. My only repose is babysitting because I'm not with my mother and I am with children who make me happy. I wish I could work 40hrs a week but no one wants to hire me so I can spend less time in that house. Talking to my friends online helps too, but when I play FF14 with them or try to call my mom always drags me away to do something even when I tell her that I am busy. Tuesday nights are the only time I'm left alone (designated time I have to call my GF).

I have been to therapy twice. It didn't help. I am not taking medicine right now, but even if I did I know that it would only help suppress the depression not deal with the root of the issue. This is most likely the final year I will stay with my mom for long periods of time. Before it is mentioned: I do not want to cut contact with my mother because I am very close to her mother and she pays for my college (my father cannot help pay) and I'm terrified of the potential fall out even if my dad, his gf, and many other people would support me through it.

Any advice is helpful. I don't think I can last another month in this hell hole.



Submitted June 19, 2019 at 12:01PM by sandtriangle http://bit.ly/2XXqS6F

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