I'd like to start this with saying that right now, I do not feel suicidal; only that I want to die. The last few weeks I have been carrying with me at all times, 2 packets of painkillers and enough money to get me a litre of vodka; this is in case I ever feel I have gotten to that point where I can finally feel at peace with wanting to die.
I have had, for the most part, an ideal upbringing. My family are well-off, I have never been emotionally or mentally abused by anyone and when I was younger, have always had people around me. I am angry at myself for ever getting into the situation I am currently in, which is so terrifyingly abysmal and I just don't see anything getting better from here on.
When I was 13, my school closed down. I had to leave all of my friends and we had to disperse into other schools; this was a year before GCSEs, major(ly pointless) exams in the UK which help college applications. I hated the new school and as soon as I moved, I became an outsider; mocked because I dressed differently, unable to make friends because I'd left the ones I had grown so close to (there were only 25 people in each year at my previous school).
Moving onto college was equally challenging. Going from a private school with no males to a public college was very out of my depth, and I struggled. I'd always been perceived to be intelligent so I took Maths, Chem, Bio and Art to give myself something to have in my free-time. Anyway, I failed first year and had to re-enrol in the same college doing different subjects. It was proved to myself that I am not as clever as I thought and that, in part, is because I was lazy and never knew how to revise; I could just do exams up until that point.
Blah blah, I came out of college in 2014 with abysmal grades and was too shell-shocked to attempt uni. I had a job for 3 years that I ended up quitting because I thought I was better than it and it wasn't getting me anywhere in life, and I had a full-on meltdown there. I still had no friends, but a boyfriend I met in my second-year of college through twitter.
Which brings us to now; my first and only boyfriend (the same one I had met whilst in college) has just left me, after 5 years together. We never moved in together, but I had just taken a job which required me to stay with him a few nights a week as it's an hour-drive away (I do not drive; I never had the confidence or desire to learn). We were meant to be moving in together later in the year. My dad passed away this March, 2 years after being diagnosed with cancer.
My world is shattered. I have no friends, my mother and I don't particularly get on and I always feel my parents have been disappointed in my choices; I was never a bad person, never partied or went out (you need friends for that) but I just never had a drive to do anything with my life. They tried to push me because my dad was so successful and intelligent, but I've never thought I deserved good things. Maybe it stemmed from when I was abandoned at school, but I know that deep-down, I have always been suicidal. I have never planned for my future; my parents got me a car for my 17th and I just didn't want it. I didn't want to do uni because it was too scary for me to think how much I struggled in college. I loved art but I'm too sad to do it because, what's the point? Who is going to care?
My boyfriend leaving is the final nail, and I know it. He says this isn't forever because we just need to work on ourselves as people, but I know because of how I've been acting; this is it. I keep telling him that if I ever do something, it's not his fault; this was always the path I was going to take, I think I was just destined for suicide. It's not his fault he doesn't love me anymore, I leaned on him too much because I have no one else, and that has been too much for him. He told me that if I kill myself, he would too. I know this is just because he wouldn't be able to live with the guilt, but I need him to know it's not his fault and it's getting to the point where I don't care what he does. He chose not to be with me and I choose this. He can't see that I need him to be happy; I don't rely on him for happiness, but having validation that some part of you is lovable? I need something.
I have my first mental health appointment next week, after years of not feeling good enough and keeping everything inside. I'm writing this as a benchmark so if I don't make it until then, someone has something of me. I can't talk to my boyfriend because I end up sobbing and begging for reconsiliation; if this isn't forever, why can't we start again now? "Because it will just end the same way".
I've been so deeply sad for so long for no true reason, and now I have a few things for people to say 'yeah, her dad died and she has no one; that's enough reason'. I have a reason now, and I think that's what my soul has been waiting for. I just don't want anyone to feel guilty for what I've done, the only guilt is on me for not trying when I should have.
Submitted June 28, 2019 at 03:23PM by victini27 https://ift.tt/2RHmZjU
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