guys help me

So the SJW cultural marxists at NOTC headquarters have decided to do something fucking outrageous.

​

It all started one FNM, where i was playing my 4 color unearth/horse tribal singleton modern deck, when all of a sudden, a woman walked in. At first i couldn't believe it, so I dismissed her as a long-haired man. But as the evening went on I noticed her name was Susan J Winters. I instantly went into a panic, and dropped all of my cards onto the floor. As I hastily started picking them back up she began to, and I shit you not, help me. Now at this point I'd had enough. My skin was boiling and I was sweating oceans, so i turned to her and said:

"Don't worry, I can clear it up myself."

​

So she went to her side of the table and we began playing. We rolled for the choice and she, unsurprisingly, won. Typical of the Communist Feminist NOTC to print dice that always favor women and minorities. So I called a judge to ensure that the dice wasn't rigged, which was pointless as I knew it already was, and the Judge came and, to my surprise, announced that the dice was in fact fair. Utterly fuming, I watched as she lay a single Island on the table and played opt. I was about to let it resolve, but then I saw the art, depicting what appeared to be Teferi, a Black person. I could barely contain my shock. A black person? In Magic the Gathering? I clenched my fists, knuckles turning whiter than snow, nails clawing at the palm of my hand, drawing blood, as I solemnly nodded, letting the card resolve, to which she then scried to the bottom, drew her card and passed turn.

​

It was my turn now, finally my chance to show this evil SJW where she belonged. I drew for turn, and then played my foil, borderless, masterpiece Ultimate Masters Box-topper Cavern of Souls, naming horses, before tapping it for 1 (one) green mana, and slamming a Tarpan onto the table The shock wave made the table bounce, knocking over drinks and decks alike. The whole room went silent, staring at me angrily, it was at this moment, I realized, that I was surrounded by them.

Every person in that room, every single one, was a feminist, conspiring with that woman to put minorities in Magic the Gathering. I knew I was trapped, so the only thing I could do was wait it out. Then, suddenly, the woman said:

"I don't think that card is modern legal."

Steam erupted from my ears. How DARE she question the legality of my deck. I had asked the ancient shaman of cardboard about the legality of every single card in that deck. I roared with anger, flakes of chicken tenders flying out from between my teeth at the speed of sound. A judge rushed over to check the card, and that evil leftist Beta Male told me that it wasn't legal in modern.

​

Suddenly, 8 black clad people rushed into the room, wielding automatic weapons. One of them threw a grenade at me, but it merely bounced off of my bulging muscles. It ricocheted into their partner, before detonating and blowing him to smithereens. I rushed towards them as they opened fire, letting bullets sink into my flesh. But, to their misfortune, I had prepared for this situation. The bullets sank into my reflective bullet vest as I barreled into them, smothering them underneath me. Just then, i heard a chorus of clicks. I turned around to see the entire shop aiming anti-material rifles at me. I knew I couldn't escape. I made my last prayer to the Quartering, before greeting my death.

​

But before they let loose, the skies above me opened, and none other than Carl Benjamin appeared before me.

"Don't worry mate," he said. "These feminists have lost all sense of perspective".

He turned to the cowering masses, facts and reason resonating from within him, before incinerating all of them in a glorious blaze of Logic. I watched as they turned to dust in front of me, but it was by no means the end. I had to run and keep running. I had learned the ugly truth, that every person in the world was a bluepilled feminist out to get us white men. I am sending this message from the basement of a coffee shop, and if I don't make it out alive, I want you all to know, that WOTC should ban all the tron lands.

Submitted May 23, 2019 at 04:38PM by Dex-Dekido http://bit.ly/2VMGPKW