tldr; my friend is jealous of me and my successes and her depression demands constant assurances from me. this has left me emotionally drained as i deal with my own mental illness.
it’s a bit messy and quite long, but here we go. we’ve been friends about a year but we grew pretty close in that time, hanging out often, playing video games, eating at restaurants, etc. lots of events. i’ve noticed it for a while, but my friend is rather jealous of me for many reasons: my career is rather successful so far, i have my own nicely kept private living space, i am rather bold and outwardly confident, i have had many interesting life experiences such as extensive travels, she considers me attractive, and i just entered a very loving relationship. things are going great for me lately!
my friend on the other hand, has been working a retail job for the last 6 years despite being college educated, lives in a small cramped space in her parents’ house, lacks self esteem, is somewhat of a pushover and very diffident, has lived a sheltered life, does not like her appearance, and has not had any success in her romantic life for years.
my friend constantly says i’m lucky to be where i am and she’s jealous of me, however, i assure her that i too have insecurities and not everything is peachy keen. furthermore, i told her that it hurts me when she dismisses my successes by saying that i’m lucky, because i didn’t get to where i am through luck. there was plenty of adversity and hard work that went into getting me to where i am right now.
for one, i’ve had virtually no support from my family as i was growing up and i was living on my own ever since i was pretty much a child. in college, i worked three jobs to pay for my tuition while double majoring in two challenging topics i didn’t care for, just to assure a solid career for myself after college since i knew i wouldn’t be able to count on anyone. my robust academic background and work experience throughout college paved the way for my high paying job i busted my ass for which my friend is jealous of. that high paying job is what allows me to have my own place, my nice things, and all that good stuff again which my friend is jealous of.
she considers me attractive, and i would assume it’s because i eat healthily, stay somewhat active, and resist my urges to stuff myself with junk food unlike her. if she wants to eat something, she’ll eat it without a second thought, then complain she’s fat while berating me for not indulging in her ice cream binges or fried food extravaganzas. i don’t think i’m particularly attractive, i have a ton of issues with my appearance and self esteem, but hey that’s part of why i’m in therapy for an eating disorder and i’ve shared my insecurities with her in an attempt to connect with her.
she comes from a very stable, loving home. upper middle class family raised in the suburbs. her parents paid for her schooling, have supported her in everything she does, and are willing to house her for free and she has told me many times before that they are always telling her to not feel guilty living there because they will continue supporting her for as long as they need to.
if anything, i’m envious of her for having all the potential to live a happy life. i crave the closeness of family and relationships, yet i never had the chance to experience them. despite being envious of her sweet loving family, i never tell her that and i would never want her to feel guilty because of it. i treat her family with kindness and respect and i’m immensely grateful for how kind they are to me in return.
she studied a liberal arts major in college and because of a fear of being rejected from a job she aimed way lower than she should have. as a result, she completely avoids any attempt to change jobs into something more suited her educational background despite hating her job and her low earnings. she constantly complains that her earnings for the entire month are still less than my weekly paycheck (i only told her because she asked)! yet when i suggest things to help her move her career forward, she says she’s afraid they’ll reject her? i’ve been rejected to hundreds of jobs, and again i’ve told her that. a job rejection is so common and so benign she shouldn’t worry about it, because inevitably one will reject her.
because of her paycheck, she obviously can’t move out. because she can’t move out, she feels like a failure and has no confidence to go out and mingle and meet people so she stays at home all the time unless i invite her out. because she stays at home all day, she stuffs herself with junk food and doesn’t stay active so she’s a little bigger than she wants to be. and because she’s given up on her appearance, she can sometimes neglect her hygiene and appear unkempt further destroying her self confidence.
i’ve tried so many things to help her out of this hole: encourage her to apply for jobs she would actually enjoy, help her find job listings, polished up her resume, take her clothes shopping, offer to have spa days and take care of our skin, hair, nails, invite her to events, set up a dating profile, create meal plans and exercise plans, help her find a roommate and housing that would be reasonable for her means. however, every time we get things in motion and they require some effort or organization, she all of a sudden panics, says that she’s overwhelmed and completely gives up! she’s been in therapy for years and has been taking medication for years so i know she’s got some bad self esteem and depression, but it feels like she doesn’t want to even help herself! she’s constantly making herself a victim and then if i share absolutely anything positive in my life it turns into a pity party for her. i want to help her, and i’ve really tried because i know how hopeless depression can feel, i’ve made attempts on my life before because of it. but i also know that the only way to change something that makes you unhappy is by taking action. while that’s easier said than done, no one said getting out of depression is easy. i can’t help her if she doesn’t help herself and i’m so tired and frustrated of dealing with her pity parties, yet at the same time she’s my friend and friends are supposed to be there for each other.
i’ve opened up to her and told her about my mental illnesses and my struggles and how i also dislike myself and my appearance. i opened up so she could see that i’m not perfect either and that we could bond over that. i’ve told her these things, yet she still thinks i’m lucky and is envious of me.
i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m at my wit’s end, but it feels so wrong to abandon someone in their time of need. yet i also feel like she’s going to be happier if i’m not around since my existence seems to remind her of all her insecurities. what should i do?
Submitted May 26, 2019 at 01:14AM by polancomodanco http://bit.ly/2EyIQ7G
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