Feeling very stressed over a small business situation, hoping for guidance that's either personal or professional -- basically just need to stop feeling bad about this situation and myself.

This is potentially more of a mentor-type question, but since I don't have a mentor -or- a helpful parent to consult, I'm posting here in the hopes of getting some advice.

Family Background: I don't have the best relationship with my family, they are pretty dysfunctional on the personal level, and they have not got the kind of professional expertise that might be useful here, despite being successful on paper. My father might have had some insights, because he was quite successful in business, but he passed away a couple of years back. He also probably wouldn't have shared his expertise with me, even if he had thoughts on this, because I am a woman and he was very old school about women in business/women having an expertise.

Also, I'm semi-estranged from my younger sister because she is a middle child who has always treated me with disdain while expecting to share any and every single thing about my life -- to the point of pursuing the same course of study I did, moving to cities I've moved to, and even into the buildings I've moved into. When we were in our 30s, she moved into my city and my building and established relationships with every service provider I had: nails, hair, eye doc, gp, dry cleaner, gym, etc. etc. She also befriended all my friends. This would have been fiiiiine if she was at all nice to me. Instead, she would try to align with my friends, colleagues, creative collaborators AGAINST me, trying to say things in small ways that would put her and them in a kind of stance against me. It's hard to explain, but it was like "I like 925 better without makeup, don't you?" OR "925 is at it again, taking on another bit art project despite having no money or time, can you believe it?" WTF are you saying that to MY friends. It's insane because we both are professional, adult women. It was so weird. I finally got away when I moved to a different state to get married.

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So that's some of the family background.

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The reason I'm sharing this: I have this thing where I take on younger women as mentees. I help them professionally and personally, offer advice, help them feel good about their skills, and help them pursue career opportunities. It's usually pretty rewarding.

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Situation background: I'm feeling incredibly stressed because a sub-contractor/mentee is exhibiting really shitty conduct toward me, on the heels of an unfortunate project that went wrong.

I met this mentee through a (male) collaborator I was working with on a big public art project a few years ago. No one on the project got paid, we had a team of about 25 volunteers. It was a huge success and we all felt good about it. We did it again four months later on a smaller scale, and that was a success as well. On the heels of that, I was very impressed with her jumping in and executing and sticking with it, so I hired her as my assistant on a large project for a major startup I had taken a job with. I was building a department and she seemed like a good person for the team. That job ended up lasting about six months, because the startup pivoted and became a different business and our department was no longer needed. That's fine, happens all the time. Then I paid her as a subcontractor to do some creative work on a small project for another startup that's pretty well known. It was only a few days work, but went fine.

As I got to know her more, I became aware of her goals, interests and had a better understanding of her skills. I also came to understand that she has had some past trauma, and that she smokes a lot of weed and (I suspect) has a potential mood disorder as a result of smoking every day. So she can get kind of self-righteous about things and/or dramatic and emotional. (Some of the younger people in my network that I met her through dropped their association with her, and I think it probably had to do with the tendency for drama.)

In any case, I didn't personally/professionally feel affected by her emotional nature, and wanted to help her execute with her talent. A year ago I was brought on board a non-profit community project as an expert who was advising in a leadership capacity. The initial plan was that I would volunteer for a period of time until we obtained funding, and then I would step into the paid general manager role. I was given an overview of the existing budget for this org, and told I could change things in any way I wanted to accomplish the organizational goals. So I invited this woman to come on board as well, and she joined the steering committee. (I was recruiting dozens of people for this project, not just her.) I told her that when we got funded, I would hire her for at least a part time role and I would make my own paid role part time to ensure we could both get the most out of our efforts to create this community project.

She did great work, the equivalent of about 10 thousand dollars worth. (I did about 125,000 worth of free work.) My husband also volunteered, but after a couple of months he said, "There is something weird about these founders, so I'm dropping out." I was like, okay, no worries, and the rest of my recruits and I kept working.

We ended up securing a couple of grants, including a pretty big on that would help the org run for two years. When that check arrived, the founders started hemming and hawing, and after dragging things out for six months, they decided to SHUT THE PROJECT DOWN and put the money toward OTHER PROJECTS the non-profit was doing. Needless to say, that was extremely traumatic for all of us who had donated extensive work for the benefit of the community, and who had anticipated working at reduced salaries to make this project sustainable and solid.

The reason that is relevant is that it completely burned us both. I was the one who brought her on, and even though it was clear that we all were affected and there was obvious deception from this non-profit to intentionally mislead me (a whole different story) that doesn't mean that it didn't impact our individual bottom lines and make her feel upset that I had gotten her into this.

I went next into a contractor job for a major, extremely solid financial tech firm, and they ordered a bunch of work from me. I asked her if she wanted to subcontract and offered her a good hourly rate as a way to make up some of the hit she took from the other gig.

Here is where we are today: She does not understand "net 30" and the turnaround time for pay from a big company. From the literal MOMENT I sent the big firm the first invoice, she has been ranting and raving about how they "need to understand they have to pay us." She has another source of income, but it's not a great one, so off course this money is needed by her. I explained to her from the beginning that:

1. I can guarantee her an hourly rate, but I can't guarantee a certain number of hours per week yet because it depends how fast the firm wants to go in getting all this work produced

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1. Do NOT quit the other job she has until we see how this goes

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1. They are a big firm and the payment turnaround is going to be slow, invoices go out once a month and there is a 30 day turnaround

2. Following up with the firm about payment has to be handled (by me) professionally, gently, and calmly on a schedule that is standard.

By point 4 what I mean is that three days after sending the invoice I'm not going to be calling up the person there and saying "Did you send the check to your finance department?? Did you? Did you?" I have had to explain REPEATEDLY that it is simply NOT DONE, but instead we send a follow-up invoice, after it's clear that a check is ACTUALLY late.

She has arbitrarily given me all kinds of random dates and even sent me a "revised contract" (lol) where she has inserted different dates she wants to be paid by on the already submitted invoice. I can't seem to get her to understand that just because she decides something and specifies it, NOTHING CAN BE DONE to change what is already underway: the invoice was submitted, it was sent to finance, and put into a pipeline to be cut and sent out. TODAY was the 30th day, so there is really NO PROBLEM yet in the world of business. Does it suck to wait to be paid? Yes. Do I wish I had the cash to pay her without getting paid by them? Yes.

But until the check is ten days late, it is NOT good form to ask about it or make it seem like the firm is late when it IS NOT LATE.

And she has basically been -- what I can only describe as -- bullying me, since the day I sent the invoice. This morning, she was threatening me with small claims, which TBH made me both want to laugh and say "bring it on," and tell her yet again, "you are not a victim here, you will be paid, this is the normal time for this process."

Instead, I said "If it's not in the mail today I'll ask the key person to double check that it went out."

But it's literally hurting me that she is NOT LISTENING, and acting like I am somehow victimizing her when I AM NOT doing any such thing. I know she is coming from a place of desperation, because she needs money. As do I. So I've tried to be understanding.

HERE is what I need to know:

1. How do I quell the anxiety this is causing me. It feels like a boundary violation that she is acting so self-righteous and sending me various ultimatums every two days. It's really wearing me down.

2. I've been in the process of reorganizing my business, and just brought on a co-founder that is going to take on handling a lot of this operational/financial stuff -- as well as set up a client pipeline. I think my niche is really hot right now, and we are going to be scaling up. I want this mentee to have the opportunity to be part of this -- BUT not if she is so entitled/dramatic/constantly stressed. Regular pay would help that, I suspect. However...

3. I don't want to be a doormat and reward this shitty behavior. I was very clear about things. Just because you don't like/won't listen to the answer doesn't mean you can bully me into a different reality.

4. This is reminding me of my sister, who has expectations that come from some mythical realm, and I can't deliver on them. How do I stop feeling triggered myself by all of this bullshit.

5. I'm stressed about the money myself, since losing so much last year to that non-profit. How do I settle this in a way that makes me able to be calm, and take care of myself. (The small claims threats don't bother me, because by the time she would get on the docket or whatever, the check will be here + I'm not trying to not pay her and have always been planning to pay her. So that isn't the issue. It's the harassment and demanding conduct that I find inappropriate.)

Sorry this is so incredibly long. I just don't know how to soothe myself enough to even focus on work right now, or other things I need to be doing. This is causing me a lot of stress on top of other stress and responsibilities.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far, though I think that's unlikely, lol.

Submitted May 02, 2019 at 05:50AM by bothsides925 http://bit.ly/2ZQdenh