I've been wanting to articulate my attachment to his music for its personal and poetic power for a long time now, so below, I look at EDEN's lyrics through the lens of my neverending cycle of joy and withdrawal that just comes along with being bipolar. It's a long read, but finally expressing all this and having an outlet to do so has felt rewarding. I hope this helps others like me put their finger on thoughts and emotions, just as his lyrics have done for me.
I discovered Jonathon's music a few years ago when I was a freshman in college. Spotify suggested a playlist he curated and I loved it. I found myself really drawn to EDEN's upbeat, gloomy and unique style, and since then, it's powered my work, my runs, my drives and everything in between. Now a senior and 21, his music catalogues events both large and small in my life. Various songs allow me to directly tap into the emotions I was experiencing when I had him on repeat: travel, relationships, binges and depression, struggle as well as sublime love and peak creativity.
When I turned 20, I felt invincible. I was heavily involved in school, I started a company that allowed me to pursue my passion, I had strong bonds with friends I cherish, and was doing creative work that's been seen by a lot of people. I have an extraordinary zest for life. But that isn't the whole picture. The intensity that I brought to my whole life was being offset by heavy drinking, sleepless nights, prolonged withdrawal, a ton of pot and generally poor, shortsighted decisions. My life was going in circles, and most of the time, I didn't care because I was doing what I wanted. I wised up to the fact that my moods arose and diffused rapidly, unnaturally pulling me into a directionless direction. After reading a ton about Bipolar disorder, I finally decided to talk to someone about it and didn't want to go at it alone. That same year, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. For those unfamiliar, it's clinically described as "a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks"
Throughout the years, the more and more I listened to Jonathon's music, the more I identified with his lyrics. I constantly found myself swapping between Genius and Spotify, linking his words, which inspired deep meaning, and his music that juxtaposes a feverishly upbeat tempo with solemn cadence. He speaks unspeakable truths about the modern human condition and what it's like to fight against the everyday bombardment of negative thinking.
Like I mentioned, I've been wanting to write this out for a while now. This account I'm using is my alternate that I use as an outlet to share openly on subs and connect with other people living with the disorder. But since this post is about how his lyrics brought interpretation and meaning to my own life, I keep it pretty real.
As an important note: I am not at all insinuating the artist shares my condition, but rather, am expressing the surreal relationship between his lyrics and my experience. Nothing more.
DRUGS
'Cause I had nothing for you
I can't love when I can't even love myself
Things I would rather be thoughts at the back of my head
But I'm addicted to hurting
Depressed moods usually boil down to a crash in energy -- your intensity catching up with you. But when the weekend rolls around, and I can't bring myself to do simple things like take out the trash or text any of my friends back, I feel worthless with a capital W. You stop chasing, and when you sit still, this harsh awareness creeps in. You go from thriving and creating to feeling miserable about yourself -- often to the point that you think your existence here on earth is not only useless, but negative. Even when I emerge from a low point, sometimes these thoughts still remain, and it can become truly impossible to love yourself. Things I wish were just thoughts in the back of my head. But you did it to yourself. Whether I'm high or low, I'm addicted to patterns that leave me sad and hurt.
And I'll say what I don't mean
Just 'cause I want it
Or maybe I need it
Swear lying's the only rush I need
Using words freely is also a trademark feature of bipolar disorder. Racing thoughts in adolescence translates to a greatly heightened verbal ability in adulthood. People like me who tend this way lust for exciting times with new people. So whether it's stretching the truth to impress strangers or blatantly deceiving friends, playing fast and loose with the truth feels natural. And even good. When you get away with it for long enough, you get a rush from having constructed your own reality; but then have to confront the trouble of keeping up with the truth.
'Till the sky is on fire
And my head still won't die
I guess I'm lying 'cause I wanna
I guess I'm lying 'cause I don't
'Cause I just feel so tired
Like I need something to come alive
She said, "You ain't you when you're like this
This ain't you, what you doing?"
And I said, "That's the point"
Whether I'm chasing productivity or evading life, I feel like sometimes I'm just going through the motions. Boredom is my worst enemy. When you're constantly hungry for what you know not, it feels like you have to move or you slowly die. Obviously, that gets exhausting. Which brings about the depressed, often drug-fueled withdrawal that punctuates the ecstasy of being up. And if you crash hard enough, you just want your head to die. Weed and booze helps me disconnect and forget, but a lot of times, it doesn't stop negative thoughts. My friends and the people I work with have created an expectation of me to be overwhelmingly happy and eager and nice. And for good reason. That's definitely my default mode when I'm around others. But at any moment, even the most random detail or quirk can change my mood on a dime. I can go from positive energy to total irritation, often without actually realizing it. Especially when I'm isolated and down, I'll do anything to get away from the nuances of others. Even if it means being cold and harsh. Which makes people think this isn't you. You aren't you when you're like this. But that's the point.
CRASH
Love
Means nothing to me
'Cause I don't know what it is
I'm just dying to be
All that I've been dreaming of
And words betray me
Contradict all I stand for
But I'm still learning
Yeah, I'm still learning
The apathy that I sometimes feel in relationships can be really hard to overcome. I think the source is a diminished ability to reliably love something. Much like I invent new ideas and struggle with following them through, I get bored of people easily. Even people who I consciously know I love, and are deserving of my love. But you can't help it. It's difficult to justify meaning, even in the presence of a strong romance or friendly bond. Self-defeat is apart of the illness. Contradiction comes natural when your identity is spread so far and thin across your journey. Always driven headfirst toward something new. In our own way, we all keeps two sets of books, so to speak. I mean everyone has two separate aspects to our personality and real beliefs that exist in real tension with one another. But when you're bipolar, your own words betray you. Even when it comes to things that are at the core of your personhood. Deceit, contradiction, mixed messages, cancelled plans, ghosting: These are all things I try hard to overcome.
ROCK + ROLL
'Cause I just wanna swing like Sinatra
Singing like I can't stop
'Cause I could never rock like a Rolling Stone
I just wanna live like the ones before, yeah
And maybe I could play guitar like Hendrix
Or save the world or end it
And then maybe they'll remember me when I'm gone
That's all I could ever want
That's all I want
Frank Sinatra once described himself as an 18-karat manic depressive. An inspiring label that I think about often. "Being an 18-karat manic-depressive, and having lived a life of violent emotional contradictions, I have an overacute capacity for sadness as well as elation." Boy do I want to swing like Sinatra. He was the artist of all artists and dominated the 50's and 60's. All of this in spite of being a drunk and indiscriminate womanizer. I have a strong, strong lust for legacy. I too evaluate my talents highly, and romanticize the fame and fortune and lifestyle of artists at the height of their career. Maybe I could play guitar like Hendrix. But my internal contradictions and indecisiveness holds me back. Do I want to save the world? End it? It's all a matter of perspective.
So I got ten minutes to be all or nothing to
Whoever wants to hear
And I got ten weeks of talking bullshit on repeat 'till I'm burnt out and disappear
But I owe you nothing
And I own my luck
Being neurotic as I occasionally am, ordinary instances can feel like a performance that I have to nail. So those words are inspiring. I don't owe anyone anything. Living through my true self, whatever it may be that day, is important to my happiness and something worth striving for for its own sake. Ten weeks is a marathon, but for me, burning out is a weekly thing: I start Monday full of energy & optimism, only to be sleep-deprived, behind on work, and avoidant of others by Thursday. And he peppers in another gem from Sinatra: "Luck is only important in so far as getting the chance to sell yourself at the right moment. After that, you've got to have talent and know how to use it." Make your own luck.
Also captured perfectly in:
LOVE; NOT WRONG (BRAVE)
And I know I've been closing myself off, unsure
I know I've been real hard to reach, harder to love
And I know it's tiring, this shit is getting old
When I go through periods of time where I never pick up the phone and can't be reached, it's hard for friends to understand, and even more difficult for them to fully accept. Many of these relationships are durable enough for them to tolerate my shit, but I'm sure after a while it gets old. This, among other reasons, makes me very hard to love.
So I won't go
I'm still living in the middle of a one-way war
I can't fight it but I'm trying to be what you want
Yes. In the wake of not currently having an identity I'm comfortable with, I'm constantly catering to others and becoming what they want me to be instead of figuring out who I want to be. It's one hell of a one-way war. And the only thing you can do is be brave.
SEX
And what's good
When both choices I've got
Have us staring down the barrel to the bullets I can't stop?
And so I stand off
Like indecision's Kevlar
'Til this fear of feeling stops and I'm done
I still haven't learned that a crummy decision is better than not making a decision at all. I mean I struggle picking a restaurant or a movie to watch. So of course I drag big and important challenges with me into limbo. I wrote about being plagued by apathy to the people and things and opportunities that are more than worthy of my attention and even love. For no good reason. I'm constantly questioning even the bedrock of my being: My career choices, my relationships, my ethics, where I live and where I want to go. It's apart of my illness. So in the moment, indecision feels like a bulletproof vest against the unknown. Running from the pressure of action is ironically one of the more reliable things I can cling to. The opposite of faith, love, art, and life is not ugliness, but indecision. In that I've build a resistance to being let down. I have a fear of feeling.
But change comes slow
If you hate what's in your head, the fuck would you speak your mind?
This one hits home. I periodically feel worthless. My life relies on writing, communication, designing useful things and articulating original ideas. I usually like what I end up with, but the gnawing sense of risk I feel when I put my thoughts on paper makes me second guess it all. Just like I'm doing right now. When those depressing weekend thoughts invade my clear thinking, I come to hate the thought of my place in the world. It's not that you feel like it's a burden to have the attention of others. I love an audience and impressing strangers, but I end up reflecting much too hard and often; and I question if that influence is misguided and harmful. When I'm down on myself or cynical about the world, I snowball eventually to the conclusion that I hate what's in my head. So when you find yourself at the crossroads of boldness, untapped creativity, indecision, depression and isolation, you feel crazy. But the only way to move past that self-doubt is operating like normal and reminding yourself that your work is good, you are good, other people really do like you and you have a positive, meaningful place in the world.
In search of lost time
Just 21, so I'm young and I'm stupid
Only 16, yeah, I think you should've known
I think you fucked me up
I think, I think you fucked me up
And I've got nothing to say to you
Indecisiveness and missed opportunities fills me with regret. Constantly in search of lost time. It's funny because I've also navigated through 16, feeling like I have to have shit together, to now being 21 and comfortable admitting I'm young and stupid. Bipolarity ages you tremendously. Even at 14, I looked for jobs and craved intellectual stimulation. At 16, I was in my first real relationship. I invested in her love and our bond and found solace at some point along the way. Vulnerability is at the core of romantic relationships, and I embraced that. But I got burned. Bad. Not only has it made me untrusting, it also diminished my belief that true love is possible and worth finding. She definitely fucked me up.
###
His music is a colossal reason why I'm even able to write this down. When I try to put my friends on, they complain it's too tragic or sad. But that's on them. Because to not appreciate EDEN's music is to avoid reality and fail to sense the beauty that lies just behind the sorrow. Because at the end of the day, this applies to all of us: “I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses."
Jonathon's music is able to tap into thoughts and emotions that everyone feels. And through it, I understand myself, and my condition infinitely better. It's okay to be sad, but it's not okay to stay that way. Just like his gloomy, honest lyrics is accentuated only by his sanguine, all-consumingly scores, both the highs, and the lows, make life worth living.
Submitted May 18, 2019 at 03:11AM by cycle_street http://bit.ly/2Hyw1Lj
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