I don't even feel bad at this moment, it was at work earlier when I was really down but I still feel it necessary to force myself to write this after coming home. Just one of those days where things weren't going great and the brain juices were churning, you know? I don't know where I'm going with it yet, though. Maybe it'll help me process some feelings or help someone else process theirs. Let's see how concise I can be, and vague to protect myself without being too vague as to be unrelatable. Heh.
I don't like to say I'm depressed. I'm depressed in the colloquial sense, very sad, but I haven't been formally diagnosed with clinical depression and I feel like my sadness is completely reasonable given my life circumstances. Honestly, it's kinda true that I really do just need to get laid. Or get a real job. I wish someone would offer me one of those, ever.
Anyway, I peaked in high school. I actually had friends in high school, imagine. I never actually went out and did very much with them outside of school, nothing comes to mind except the occasional basketball game or some backyard football, but that's more than I've done since. I had people to eat with and talk to at lunch. Honestly, I was pretty popular although not in the sense of being a socialite. I was the teacher's pet yet also the class clown, pretty well known as being the smartest kid in school. High school wasn't half bad. Zero romantic prospects, but I was very socially awkward and focused on my education anyway. I thought I had things all figured out, at least as far as future career planning.
College was a low point for me in every regard. I was a commuter from Day 1 and though I doubt that fact in and of itself was a death knell, it certainly didn't help me. Not relevant to the whole FA thing, but not only was Year 2 was the first time I ever passed a class with less than an A, it was the first time I ever failed a class. Everything up to that point was so easy and natural for me but I guess college eventually had to get hard, right? Still, I had no study habits to speak of and quite honestly that's probably the one "mistake" I feel I've made in my life. The rest is just... life sucks and I got the short end of the stick, you know?
At any rate, shit fell apart starting about Year 3. Administration contacted me about some repeated incidents I had allegedly been part of, forced me to see the school psychologist monthly to work through some social issues. Ah, there's an FA red flag. (By the end of it all, BTW, I never was given access to my records and allowed to discern exactly what all these alleged incidents were.) I was supposed to go for six months and then be re-evaluated, but he let me off after five sessions. And though I thought it was never necessary -- after all, from my POV I never thought I had done anything wrong -- I don't regret those sessions. He helped me put myself out there and transform from the socially isolated me of my teens and twenties to... well, I'm usually at least tolerated these days and I can somewhat hold a conversation with people. I feel much more secure in myself in my 30's.
Year 4, waiting back a year to take a required course I missed during Year 3. Thanks, advisor, for adequately reviewing my quarterly schedule and reminding me to register for that course... *sigh* I made the best of a bad situation, took some fun electives and completed the requirements for a minor in statistics (huge gaming nerd). Year 5 was when the wheels fell off, though. Very, very long and rage-inducing story short, teacher ruined my life. Day 1 of class was the first day I met her, was a lab course where everyone was required to pair up and all work had to be done during class hours. Guess who was the odd one out? Yep, it was me! FA strikes again. Aaaaaaand contrary to literally any other class group assignment thinger I've ever dealt with, teach forced me to work alone instead of as a group of three with another pair.
Needless to say, I struggled mightily in that course. Without a lab partner, I had to prepare all my reagents, do all my experiments, and cleanup alone. I was working with half of what everyone else had. Since everything was specifically required to be finished during scheduled class hours, that meant I had a hard time actually finishing all my required work. I've no excuse for my poor studying habits biting me in the ass on the exams, though. Anyway, I was on the brink of failure and I really didn't want to have to push my graduation back another year. I got really mopey in class one day about it. Being the last one in class as always, struggling to finish my work and knowing not getting it done on time is going to be the last nail in the coffin for my grade, alone with the teacher... turned into a fabricated story about me getting violent and threatening her. It was the straw that broke the camel's back after all those prior alleged incidents that got admin on my ass in the first place and I was kicked out of school.
Just like that, I went from being a future [blank] planning to retire in his late 30's to... Well, at this point, I'm still struggling to find my first real job eight fucking years after salvaging a STEM Bachelor's and will be lucky to retire in my 60's like some average bloke with no intelligence or ambition. I'm better than that and I deserve more for the effort I put into improving myself. And for what? I don't know what I did to deserve that teacher's ire. Nothing, or maybe I did but I was just too socially unaware to realize it? Fuck if I know.
So yeah, again I'm making the best of a bad situation of at least salvaging the Bachelor's. I talked to the dean of the Arts & Sciences college within the same University. She said I could transfer to start Fall next year... but I had to see a therapist and basically have them sign off on my not being crazy. LMAO. Do that and I can both come back to school plus have my would-be expulsion expunged, magically transformed into a transfer. Incidentally, this is the favorite part of my life story. So my mom hooked me up with her occupational therapist through her work insurance over the summer. (After being kicked out, I took Winter quarter off to evaluate my circumstances and took some classes at the local community college in Spring.) I went in there, he asked me to tell him why I was there; I took about 15 minutes explaining all the bullshit I just typed up above. He said it sounds like I got completely screwed, I wasn't crazy at all, and signed my paper so I could be on my way... Bro, you da real MVP. Even my mom truly thinks it was all my fault, as I occasionally overhear her talking with relatives despite her continuing to support me (because she's a good mom). Once in the chemistry program, I finished out my Bachelor's in two more years without incident, though large student loan debt turned into an insurmountable mountain because I lost all my prior scholarships and basically had to pay in full out-of-pocket those last two years.
Friendship-wise, after those psychology sessions, I joined the Gaming Club on campus and I attended monthly gaming tournaments (game which I shall not name) for about three years. I needed to put myself out there in social situations, and hey as a future [blank]-to-be at the time I was all for it anyway. But I still never made a single actual friend. The Gaming Club never really did much and I was the one most invested into it. Activities never consisted of more than drafting Magic: the Gathering anyway but drafts became increasingly sparse and the club was dead by the time I came back from my little "vacation." One of the guys was in my chemistry classes and I tried repeatedly to invite him to do stuff together, but he clearly wanted nothing to do with me.
At tournaments, I always felt like I was just an outsider contributing to the pot and nobody ever really cared I was there. Everyone had their own local communities that I wasn't a part of on a weekly basis, so I was just a lone traveller they occasionally saw at major events. After my original doubles partner dumped me for a local friend he could train with more consistently, I stopped playing doubles because literally nobody would pair with me except the literal worst players in attendance. The best singles players would usually randomly pair with anyone, because they knew they were good enough to carry even bad players into prize money, but never once me despite actually being above average.
Romantically, I was still focused on my education up to the point I was removed from my original degree program and socially awkward enough that I wasn't in the mindset while I was still trying to just make friends at all per the above. I knew this one girl that was in my original degree program but we didn't tend to be in the same classes. We had some really sweet, long conversations between classes on occasion and it was only in hindsight I realized we kinda had a special something between us. I don't even know if she was already seeing someone at the time or would've been interested if not. Though it's hard to beat myself up over it knowing how socially/romantically clueless I was at the time, I wish I would've wisened up and expressed interest. I may have missed my one shot at love...
Enter the working world with my STEM degree, thinking I'll still be okay after the school fiasco. Boy, how wrong I was. I got my first job pretty quickly out of school and though it was low-paying and part-time, good experience and a faster walk from my house than any drive since. But I got fired after six months because a coworker was badmouthing me to management. (I still don't know what happened for certain. I think he was jealous of management doting on the new guy and just kept throwing allegations at me until one stuck.) Got fired from my previous summer jobs as well for people-related reasons where I didn't do anything wrong per se but somehow managed to rub people the wrong way. It just keeps happening.
Took me another four years just to find another lab job. I know multiple would-be offers I've missed out on because the person hired over me had connections and I didn't (or, in one instance, had a more important one than me). The lack of social status has killed me. To this day, I'm currently working in a crummy factory which is officially my backup job at this point and bouncing between short-term opportunities. It just gets harder and harder each day... Well, in a sense it actully gets easier because even a couple years of experience split up between half a dozen different jobs is apparently better than zero experience as far as getting interest from recruiters. But I know it has harmed my prospects for a long-term position. Who knows how many office trash bins my resume has been tossed into because my relative lack of experience for my age/graduation puts me so far behind the curve. Younger people who got luckier have both more experience and more time on the clock than me. Some employers think I'm a great candidate, then they realize how many others have already passed on me and suddenly I'm a leper. They know, even though they really don't know. Perception is reality. I come off as a flake for job-hopping, even though it's not my fault nobody ever offers me a viable long-term position in the first place. I literally don't have a choice but to take what I can get. And it's not like my region is all that lacking in opportunity... they're just not offered to me despite being perfectly qualified on paper, on occasion even affirmably and absolutely the most qualified candidate. The stench of FA seemingly has an unmistakable odor to normal people.
Still don't have any friends. Romance, zilch. As of a couple years ago, though, I basically gave up any hope of it ever happening and it's been pretty liberating. No longer do I fear rejection as rejection is all I've ever known anyway, so it can't possibly get any worse! And I've come to the realization that all this shit isn't my fault and have steadily gained much in the way of self-esteem/confidence. Of course, I might be delusional, but from a logical viewpoint I simply cannot identify any major wrongdoings I've been committing and I'm quite convinced that I simply got boned by life's random number generator. I even recently earned my wastewater treatment license to give me a leg up next time my "dream job" has an opening and I've lost a few pounds to hopefully improve my soon-to-be attempts at dating. *ahem*
Objectively, my life isn't all that bad. I'm lucky enough to at least have a supportive family, I can hold down a job even if it's well beneath what I deserve and pay my bills (largely student loans), I'm in no real danger of not having a roof over my head or food on my table. It's just the double whammy of career struggles and complete lack of intimacy in my life has taken a mental toll on me. I'm the mentally toughest person I know for putting up with all this shit this long. If my career was going as it should be, I'd be able to better cope with coming home to loneliness every night (and have more money to distract myself with shiny things). If I had a shoulder to cry on, someone who was always in my corner rooting for me through thick and thin, I could stomach the career struggles. But I have neither and even I have my limits. I feel like I'm finally ready to put myself out there and try to find myself a woman. As much as I appreciate the family support, as some people don't even have that much, there's just things I can't say or do with my mother that I could with a romantic partner.
The problem is that I'm a dude in my 30's with absolutely zero relationship experience. And while I don't have a lot of other downsides to my appearance, the fact is that I'm shorter than the average woman. Is there a woman online who won't auto-filter me out of their search criteria? *sigh* But there's no good way for me to meet women offline. My hobbies don't align with that population, ain't exactly meeting too many women at Friday Night Magic or what have you. While I don't exactly live in a podunk village of sub-5k population, I live in a small enough city that there's no real variety of Meetup options, singles events, etc. If I ever do get a date, will my social inexperience drive her off? Even I don't know how I would react to any sort of physical contact because I've been invisible to women my entire life. I want it, but will nerves get the best of me at the worst time? What percentage of them would ghost me after a second or third date when she finds out I still live with my mother due to a mountain of student loan debt and chronic underemployment? It's not like I can't hold down a job and mooch (I do pay a nominal rent, mostly pay for my own bills and necessities, keep a tidy space, etc.), but regardless of circumstance many people are incredibly judgmental of those who don't live on their own.
It all feels so impossible that I'm afraid to even try, knowing how badly the odds are stacked against me, wasting effort that could be spent toward coping with the probable inevitably that I remain alone forever (trapped in a perpetual economic grind to boot). Not till July for personal reasons, but despite that I'm still ready to start putting myself out there soon. Can't meet anyone if I never leave my house and just mash games all day on my PC, right? Life hasn't gone how I want it or planned, remotely, but fuck it. I'm awesome. I don't deserve half the shit I've been through and I continue to roll with the punches. I will continue to live forever simply to spite all the cosmic forces in the fucking universe that oppose every fiber of my being... But god damn am I fucking lonely.
Fuck, that wasn't concise at all. Thanks and congratulations to anyone who reads the whole thing. And throwaway accounts are for weaklings.
Submitted May 03, 2019 at 11:07AM by RisingChaos http://bit.ly/2vzpsTd
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