Posting on a throwaway for personal reasons.
Seven years ago, I decided to join the furry fandom so I could meet people and have a creative output, since my 15 year-old self was really interested in drawing and creative writing. At the same time, I met a dude online was the same age as me and we shared some interests. Since we could really relate to each other, we often chatted to each other and exchanged creative ideas pertaining to our fursonas (online anthropomorphic animal avatars), other original characters, our plans for life, etc.
However, I broke bad when I was 17 due to the fact that I was in danger of failing my classes, so I began to indulge in lewd roleplay chats with my friend (basically a furry avatar-based variant of sexting), who seemed willing and consenting at first but then we had a fight because he said he wasn’t into it anymore. Afterwards, I went through some real life downers such as the massive doubts I had when picking a major (and fearing the future altogether), comparing my rather simple work to that of other far more experienced artists, being somewhat inexperienced in trying to date my crush in my freshman year of college (which was unsuccessful), the financial situation of my family, failing classes, and ultimately having to relocate to a new city at age 19.
All of this turned me into a very dramatic toxic person who would publicly project his insecurities upon others, belittling them and acting like a delusional messiah. Hell, this wildfire spread and began to poison my relationship with my friend, showing as me being rather critical of his artwork, berating him for only uploading porn, constantly being jealous of his goals and achievements, etc.
Of course, I became rather needy of attention too. I would often feel like I was a joke of a person and would try to vent about it to my friend who acted nicely about it at first, but since I would often give up and refused to change altogether, he progressively got more and more tired of it so he set out to find better people. Of course, I began to fear he was looking for a replacement friend, so I acted possessively of him, which further hurt the relationship. I should add that after fights, he’d retreat to cool down but I didn’t understand the reasoning behind it, so I was only adding salt to the wound by telling him he was an egotistical coward when he left. I also tried to get him to roleplay again to which he complied sometimes, but more recently he refused and I got pretty angry about it.
He also tried to helped me out with my art but I had a shamefully-sized ego, so I rejected his help because I felt I had the higher ground since I am a digital art major and he isn’t.
After fights, I’d apologize and promise I could change but as I said, I couldn’t handle myself at the time, so I acted pretty poorly.
This went on for a while until we had another fight on the evening of January 9, 2019, which resulted in me getting blocked on Discord and Telegram (this was his way of creating some distance to breathe). The next morning, I became desperate and spammed him on almost every social media account I own after seeing he wasn’t responding to my messages anymore, so he freaked out and blocked me on each and every single one of those accounts. However, I still have him added on FurAffinity (an art-sharing website for furries) so I’m not blocked there. To put the final nail in that coffin, I tried to use some of our mutual friends to reach out to him. Needless to say, this didn’t work in anyone’s favor and it only served to stress everyone out.
So after all these ugly years, I decided that enough was enough, so I started looking to rehabilitate myself ever since and resumed going to therapy. I also attended a mental health seminar at my university campus and began to look for inspirational people so I could adopt their principles and life philosophy. I also took up yoga and meditation so I’m feeling rather refreshed and less angry now. Of course, there are still daily frustrations, but I’ve been learning how to control them.
However, my friend’s birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I kind of want to surprise him with artwork of his characters made by me as an attempt to make amends and repair our friendship, along with a letter saying sorry and explaining myself and my problems, as well as the solutions I’ve found and the progress I’m making. Unfortunately, a mutual friend of ours showed me some of the posts my best friend has been making on his Mastodon account. Basically, his feelings towards me are still negative and considers me a trauma.
Obviously, that’s awfully disheartening, so I’m not sure if I should continue my plan as a last-ditch attempt at salvaging our friendship or just quit altogether. Naturally, I still miss him and the good times we had together when we weren’t caught up in fights, but I understand that I drove him insane. At least, I’d rest easy if I could earn his forgiveness and his forgiveness only. Something I don’t like right now is that some of my earlier dependency remains in the form of a fear of letting go and moving on with life so I could use some feedback there.
What do you guys think?
tl;dr - Lost my best friend in the furry fandom (online) in January (he blocked me everywhere) because I was jealous of him, I acted possessively, manipulatively, and became extremely needy of him frequently. After four months throughout which I actively sought out ways of self-betterment, I want to make amends and demonstrate I can be better, but I don’t know if I should contact him again.
Submitted April 27, 2019 at 04:28AM by ToxicFurry http://bit.ly/2XPirde
No comments:
Post a Comment