I'm sorry for the long story to make sense of my questions. I'll make it as short as possible.
The minute I was born my life was abuse. No lie or exaggerating, my bio mother suffered from schizophrenia, drug addiction, multiple personalities, child abuse themselves, and she was homeless, did anything for drugs, and was a lady of the night so to speak. Her mother was the same minus the drugs and homelessness and work choice. She had dementia and was super religious instead.
My bio mom dated the worse guy (her pimp) even that hated she had a kid and decided I work too or she gets rid of me. My first five years went back and forth between her working me or trying to abandon me or me taking care of her like I was the mom, it depended on which personality she was. One personality would try to kill me and thankfully I was smart enough to trick her to think I was dead. I have a few good memories with her.
Her mom, when I was abandoned at her place and not strangers or back alleys or stores, would force me to sit in the same spot on the couch on top of plastic, and was not allowed to moved. If I moved, I would get beat so badly. No I was not allowed to use the bathroom or eat, hence the plastic. I had to listen to her constant rambles about how I was Satan's child and I was selfish for being born and I should have died inside of her daughter. I literally sleep, peed, and lived on that one couch cushion and I hate the color orange because of it. Orange makes me sick. She had some nice moments I remember and I would be allowed to eat crackers and milk with her and she tell me a story but those moments usually only lasted an hour or so. Those few nice moments are the only reason I never died in her care. Her beatings were so bad, I would have gladly died on that couch cushion instead of sneaking to get water or food.
She had two kids with the pimp guy and the last kid that born was the reason we were finally under watch by the social workers. All the other times they were called (when she would tried to leave me in stores) I just kinda slipped under their fingers but hell, I guess a newborn and baby in the family made all the difference. Even with the state help and getting a place to live, she still couldn't handle having kids and we were taking away. I went through the foster system rather shortly because my newborn sister was in high demand and with that being said a family that didn't want to be on the waiting list for a baby girl got to skip the list by adopting all three of us.
They did not want me. They made it known and abused me my whole life, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually and they got away with it because they always just said it was just me being confused from what my bio mom. Trust me, their abuse was so much different than hers and it was worse. They were heavy on the mental and emotional abuse. They had a son of their own that was older than me and it took me until recently to realize that they worked so hard to make me feel so inferior and useless and like a screw up because I actually had more talent drawing than him, if I had a loving home I could have gone far and soared, and I was actually smarter than him. I got As and Bs in school without trying at all. Like if I actually tried in school growing up, I would have left with a 4.0 gpa but I was so busy being in trouble at home for no reason, yelled at all the time, put down, told I couldn't be anything but a prostitute when I grow up, not to even think about college, and bullied badly at school that I didn't.
Yes, I have mental illnesses, BPD, Bipolar, Manic Depression, PTSD, Anxiety/Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts (I don't act of them just wish my brain would stop telling me to because it's so tiring to fight all the time), ADHD/ADD, and I am also gender fluid. I don't do anger. At least it takes a lot to get me angry but when I do get angry I usually turn it on myself.
I'm in my 30s now and my adulthood, I was kicked out when I was 18 (was told this was happening when I was 10), was in abuse too from the father of my kids. I got free from him when I was 27 and am now when a great person who is good to me. I went through college and therapy and I got two degrees and even a cosmetology license but at the end of college, last semester, I developed an autoimmune disorder. They said it's chronic hives but I think it's that and more but that's whole other can of worms.
My fiance has been frustrated that I can't find work (my therapy wants me to go on disability but I've not tried because I feel like that would be failing my family) other than my minimum wage 4 hrs a week unless I get called in job and I'm not working in what I went to school for but here's the thing and this is where the part of the question really comes into play, I didn't want to do cosmetology but I like coloring my own hair or friends hair or doing nails on the occasion but it's totally hobby when I identify as a girl, yes my personality changes with my gender, but I've been trained to listen to others not myself. My own voice in my head dies when others speak and yes I lose my wants when others speak theirs for me. How can I make my voice louder and not lose it? How can I keep myself together when others get frustrated with me and I don't lose my voice to please others?
My fiance didn't really understand this and I'm really bad at communicating so we had a rough patch as all relationships tend to have at one point and I wound up going to school for it to make him happy. Three months in the year program I said I wanted to quit, I couldn't do this and they said, well, you owe us all the money anyway so you still have to pay for the course. I finished it because I wasn't going to be in debt with nothing for it. Screw that. So yeah I have a cosmetology license and I can't stand that world. It really holds me back on resumes though.
My college degrees was in DAT but my meds that take for my autoimmune suppress my imagination quite a bit so drawing and designing has gotten harder. During college, all my homework had to be on the computer and my free time was spent on a game that helped me release my anger and stress. My fiance started nick picking at my playing that game all the time. Why just that game, there's others games too. He never plays the same game for long but I can stick to a game weirdly enough with my ADHD/ADD. House needs to get cleaned (my house wasn't that bad for three kids and an adult all with ADHD and honestly, I'm proud that it stays as clean as it does. I can't help my neighbors from hell though. My fiance wants a house like only adults leave in it, not three kids, youngest 11 now but not then. He was an only child with three adults pretty much so we come from totally different backgrounds). Kids need to be watch.
Now yes, some days did get bad, on my really bad days but honestly, my bad days are just that, bad days. Doesn't matter what I'm doing, nothing in the house is going to get done because I don't have the mental strength to go into "battle" with my kids to make them do their chores when their bio father teaches them not to respect me. He totally blamed the game and not seeing the mental illnesses and just heard excuses as he likes to say so I stopped playing. The game gives me bad anxiety and now all pretty much all my games do because every time I played any game pretty much I got a why do you play that when you can this instead. I'm literally down to a few games that a play here and there barely and Pokemon Go that play outside with my friends.
Last semester of school I spent all my time on the computer pretty much doing only homework because I literally didn't have time to do anything else if I wanted to and so the house got bad that semester but seriously, I had art project after art project for four classes to pull out my butt every week and no one helping me at home pretty much and an autoimmune developing that no one knew what the hell was going on. So he pointed out that I was still on computer all the time and the house was falling apart and nothing was getting done so now I have anxiety being on a computer. I'm on my phone right now fyi. Too bad now that I think about it, he didn't nick pick my illness I was getting and maybe that would have made it go away...
I've been trained to avoid negative things immediately that cause distress in myself or others around me or else I wouldn't have survived my mom or her mom, my step parents, or the father of kids. It's not an excuse. I hate that he calls it an excuse or says it sounds like an excuse even though he tries really hard to be nice about it. I know he's trying to help me but he's not a professional and he hasn't lived it or suffers it. He sent me here actually hoping I could find some answers.
So how can I get jobs that require computer usage when being on them gives me a panic attacks because now my fiance has associated with them bad. How can I undo this training that I lived with for my enter life? Once my brain sees something bad, it gets locked in. I've stopped reading subject types or watching certain genres of shows because of the father of kid. I don't like shopping certain places because of people. So many things I just don't do anymore because it's now bad and gives anxiety. Normal grounding techniques don't work for me, I've been through a lot of different ones. Only thing that helps it from getting worse is the word safe and I'm telling myself I'm safe and my therapist and me found this out by accident when I was having a panic attack in her room. How have you learn to unassociate things? How have you learned to undo you're very nature? How do you explain to someone who doesn't struggle daily with all of this in their head why simple tasks aren't simple and it's not always just about making new habits? A legit broken organ is not a bad habit but how do you live with it so it doesn't hold you back anymore?
Submitted April 19, 2019 at 07:26PM by werat22 http://bit.ly/2UIk538
No comments:
Post a Comment