Tonight will close the 3rd week of NC. One more week, and it will be an all month. That's kind of a victory to me, the BU lasted for 3 cussing months of BU, let me share with you.

Hello fellows !

So, as I said it's been already three weeks of No Contact, it's been so hard, but as I also said after the Break Up me (m24) and my ex (f21) we've keep talking and breaking the NC contract, and that was even more hard than now. Something that I learned is that making the grief of someone who still alive is impossible to live if you don't let go. To let go you have to stop leting the ungrief state controling your life. I know what you're thinking "thanks Captain Obvious" but if I had to learn it then maybe my experience can help some of you conforting in the reality that NC IS a good solution.

This post will probably be quite long if you stop to read it now, then, I hope that what i've shared upstairs will help you my friend stay strong, on this sub we all know it's hard and we are all here to read you ans share with you our stories. Most important of all, be happy, and you can be happy when you got control on your enviorement, and if you need to, let me send you some love and compassion ❤️.

Now, here's the cussing story.. all of it : How have i met her ? At college, on a shity day where i thought the only good thing that day was making music with a friend that I was waiting, she came talking to me "why do you have nails so long ?" That was her first words to me. From then we talked about music, politic and beer until she had to go. Three weeks after, we went drink a beer, it was such I good moment... We decided that the next date would be a movie, my favourite, she loves art but never saw why a movie could be a piece of art. I wanted to shaw her why, the folowing week, she came to my house to see it, after a long talk where i shared to her my passion and her point of view to me, we kissed for the first time. After that, the next months, more we shared ourselves to the other, more we shared time together, more I fell in love with her. Only six months of relationship and for the first time of my life, I was in love with someone. She is my first love.

I have so beautiful memories, christmas when she met my family, the first time i met hers, our night of six months where we made love sourounded by candles, Disneyland (what a cliché i know), and her cussing smile damn i still remenber it...

Si, what went wrong? Until then everything seens perfect right ? Well... I have a friend for who, long time ago i had a crush, today she is one of my best Friends her the group of friend whith who i was close. And my ex doesn't realy liked her, so I stop seeing them.. of course she didn't ask me anything but I didn't wanted her to feel inconfortable when I was out. But this didn't create much of a problem, here's the one: After 7 month she was pregnant, before we took a descison, on a party her friends (which knew she was pregnant, and also were my Friends too) gave her drugs... Aperently "she wasn't alright and needed it" thanks guys it's not like I asked you to tell me if she wasn't alright ! Anyway. The next days she told me about the drugs and that now there was no choice and we had to go through abortion... But the truth is that I never wanted it.

From there the problems came. Cause that's where I lost trust when that "friends".

So, What problems ? Whithout trust when she went to party with them I wasn't alright.. anxious, parnoid, affraid for her safety... And of course I stoped going out with them, I hated them so much to steal from me a choice of life... When I tried to talk about it, explaining why those parties were such a hard time for me, she thought I'd lost trust on her and that I was trying to control her life.

After that everything change we still in love but we were Always anxious and fighting about the same things : her friends and mines (she ends up hating them cause she thought they were encouraging me to dump her). But a spark of hope came up, the sumer hollyday ! We went together for 3 weeks in my Homeland, it was just us, and we were so happy, everything was perfect. Truly.

After those hollydays, her Friends and her weren't in the same college anymore, so for three months she spended almost all of her freetime with them. I was alone, i losted most of my Friends cause some of them weren't liked by her. And one day, this happened :

I had Cancer.

The night After i discover it was her birthday, for once I went party with her and her Friends, it was so hard, i just wanted to punched all of their faces cause the worst Is that : that night she stoped being close to me... That night i stoped being her lover. I was just the guy with who she hoped that party would'nt be a problem.

The next weeks were hard and with that cancer story I decide we had to break up.

The first month, we keeped talking when one of us wasn't alright. The second she ask me to get back with her, we spend time together like before, had sex, saw movies, went drink some beers... It was nice, but i kept saying no to get back with her, i wanted my health problems to stop before. The third month, was horrible. I discover she was already with a New boyfriend since we break up, she cheat him multiples Times with me and i didn't even knew it. So I ended up everything. But she kept begging me to Come back with her.. i accepted it, at the condition she end up things with her New Bf.

After that I told her that I was sick and she helped me, until the day, she just ghosted me, asking me Time. It was 5 weeks ago, After two weeks her she keeped ghosting me, i told her i wanted to be with her, she finaly answered me she needed time and wished. We talked about ot on phone... Her last words were "goodnight, see you tomorrow". That was three weeks ago, she never reached me. And two weeks ago After my last chimio, I decide to let it all go and start the grief. Now she can only reach me by text,and not me since i deleted her number.

And here we are, the end of my story... Today i've no more cancer, only fews risks of recidivism. And.. i still love her so much... NC IS so hard... It's so hard. But the grief turly begin when you decide to let it go. For everything ! Trust me, and i'm truly better than 4 weeks ago! I'm sorry i don't know how to end this post... Love and strenght for you all my Friends ❤️

PS : yes, that's what I learned, the grief can start when you just decide to let it all go.

Submitted March 10, 2019 at 08:30PM by philvka5 https://ift.tt/2NVNEaB