I was happy, most times. As did she. It was not a perfect life but it still made us happy enough. We grew as people, we developed in our passion jobs, we bought and build a home. A first place where I felt safe and loved in my life. The five years we spent together were the best years of my, otherwise kinda miserable, life.
We both had issues - everybody has some issues. We were still young and still naive. We failed to address and solve all these issues in time.
The life we've been building for the past 5 years ended, leaving me with no fiancée, no home, no job and increasing health problems.
I was shocked. I did not see that coming. I felt helpless, cut away from everything I cared in life. For a couple of months I was numbing myself with casual sex and drugs (both prescription antidepressants and street weed). Tried therapy but it failed after few sessions. Eventually I started to pull myself back, step by step. I've put my effort into job hunting, laid off casual hook-ups, toned down with the weed.
I even somehow managed to get a nice girl fall in love with me and I gave her happiness for a few short months. I broke up with her when I realized I didn't love her and that I'm still in love with my ex-fiancée. I broke her, already damaged heart and I hate myself for hurting her. But what else could I do?
Few weeks later I got back with my ex-fiancée. We had feelings for each other, we missed each other and we thought that we're smarter than before and that our relationship will work this time. We realized it may all blow up in our faces, but we were each other closest friends and we would figure it out either way.
Few short months later she said that this isn't working. She proposed stepping down to friends with occasional benefits (sex between us is mind-numbing for both parties so that felt kinda normal for us). It hurt, but I was happy that she would still be in my life. Few days later I came to her to talk about us.
She told me she fell in love in a friend from work. She said she want's to be with him. After short period of abstinence from weed and doing regular physical exercises as well as eating healthy I fell back, bad. It was as bad as when she broke up with me the first time. I fell into bender, luckily a short one. And I started to pull myself back again. For the next three months I worked on myself, for myself, but all the time harboring a though that anything can happen in the future. She may fall out from love with him eventually, or fall for me yet again.
It was stupid hope but I needed it against endless void of despair and tormenting visions of life I had and could have had with her, if only I were a better partner to her before our relationship started to turn toxic.
I went on stronger antidepressants, went to regular therapy, fixed my eating patterns, started to take short walks in parks, I reached out socially to nice and cool people to bond over role-playing-games, I go to a club with live music at least once a month, I've put more effort and less restrictions on job hunting, started to work on my pet-project a bit. I took serious look at my health (5 different specialists, couple dozen diagnostic tests - some uncomfortably invasive, and I still have few fun medical procedures ahead).
Crushing despair, pain and everyday struggle were there all the time, but I still managed to not give up.
Then came today. I talked with her today. She cares for me, but she never felt for me what she feels for that guy. He makes her a better, a more alive person. She want's to build a home with him and have his children.
I realize now that there will never be a place in her life for me, not the way I want it to. This is really the end between us. We will never be together.
And I don't want to live in such a reality.
It hurts too much, not having her close in my life. But I'm happy she's found peace, love and safety. I hope it will last as long as it can. After all, I still love her and I want what's best for her.
Pain is subjective. I'm a writer by passion and by trade and yet I cannot find the appropriate words to describe everything that I feel, how strong and suffocating those feelings are, how unpredictable and uncontrollable. And what they do to the person I see in my mirror that I used to know so well, who I used to like and respect and trust.
So I'll tell this next part blunt:
Missing her hurts more that I can handle.
Long time ago, long before even meeting her, I came to terms with the fact that life's worth is not unconditional; that it has a quality below which death is the better option.
I will finish current round of active job applications (2-4 weeks) and I won't start any knew ones. If I get the job I'll move to a different city and try to cut all ties with her, hide everything that reminds me of her (it's gonna be a bitch, we had nearly identical taste in works of culture, art in all of its forms, fashion, politics, etc so almost everything that used to bring me joy or sparked my interest now triggers painful memories and depressing thoughts). I'll throw myself into work and casual sex (apparently being moderately handsome, nice and decent person with serious trauma - provided you work on resolving it - is a real panty dropper, even in case of socially awkward introvert). I'l numb myself with prescription drugs and resort to weed only during emergencies (I quit weed cold turkey twice already, past the physiological detox and without anyone's help). And I'll give myself some time with this new life. Couple months, maybe even year. Maybe by then I'll be okay with loosing the most important person in my life and able to find some joy in life (fuck anhedonia, srsly).
If that plan fails, or if I don't get the job altogether I will end myself. I don't want to suffer constantly. They told me I'm in mourning and that it takes time. It's been two years and I'm hurting no less than before. More even, now that I'm faced with cold, cruel reality. I could struggle and fight day after day, hoping that eventually it will hurt less. Even so, she will never return. And I'm not interested in a painful, hard, empty and joyless life devoid of her. That is just inhumane.
I'll probably be dead before spring ends. I know how not to botch it and I'm determined enough to go through with it.
I know I will hurt her terribly, but for the final time so at least that's something. I know she'll have to deal with serious guilt after that, but now I know she has someone who will be there to help her. Better than I ever could.
Treasure your loved ones like it's still the beginning of your relationship and you are whole worlds to each other. And keep working at it! Don't neglect them, yourself nor your plans for future together. Listen to a man whose first true love died the death of a thousand cuts and left him a meek shadow of himself.
EDIT:
UPDATE: 18 hours later.
Gave up and blazed at 3 in the morning last night/today, just to get few hours of sleep. I'm running urban fantasy rpg game tonight with some colleagues and I scramble preparing some sensible notes and aids. Weaving half-improvised narrative about mysteries and magic is no easy task even on a good day and I'm dead tired and miserable. Still I want to go out and do something, anything.
It hits me like a nail to the head: memories of how we used to bump ideas and brainstorm together, making scenes, characters, plot twists and aesthetics; how much fun we used to have working creatively together. And how good we were in what we did.
Another irreversible loss and, for now, just painful memories. Still, I'd rather never forget them, since all in all, those memories are good and I value them.
She knows me so well, heh. She's genuinely worried about me and my safety despite the fact I put up a good face.
She handles it all with a subtle gentleness and elegance, despite her obvious discomfort, doing what she can to avoid hurting me more - and I'm struck by an awe and longing so strong that it locks my jaw and makes most of my muscles tense up. She shows that she still cares about me. Somewhat.
I try to wrap my head about this new reality that I live in and so far all I reach is chaotic darkness.
Submitted March 12, 2019 at 08:32PM by va_esse_deireadh https://ift.tt/2UAPgsS
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