Passionate about nature and all things wild, an artist by blood and at heart, a free spirit within, intensely curious by design. I own an apartment and am employed as a designer/social media strategist for a local branding and marketing agency. I have worked at this particular job for a little over a year now and am now strongly debating giving in my resignation, but I have some concerns over taking such a leap of faith.
Truth is, I've scored this position out of pure luck. An unstable upbringing and some terrible misfortunes that occurred during my teenage years drained me of all motivation to pursue my studies with the dedication I once had. I finished high school, got my diploma and went off to college where I regretfully sunk into a whirlwind of bad decisions and addictions, consequently dropping out before completing the program in which I was enrolled. Out of sheer luck, I managed to get into a special university program without having the necessary prerequisites (e.g. a college diploma). I was unfortunately still going through a pretty hectic time at that point (still battling addiction, mental instabilities, resenting society for various reasons and dealing with my very first mortgage all by myself - my ex and I having just parted ways). Two months into this university program, I dropped out. Looking back, I have some regrets and there are things I would have done differently (had we known, wouldn't have we all?) but at the time, I simply didn't have it in me.
Fast forward a few months. I was given a chance to get this designer/strategist position. Long story short, they had just fired someone and needed a replacement that they could pay with a lower wage. A family member, who holds a very important position in said company (he's pretty much the company's backbone) recommended me, and in I was, no questions asked.
I enjoyed it at first, I truly did. Sure, there were tasks I disliked and moments of disagreement with the boss but overall, things were going pretty well. I blossomed, feeding off the new information, absorbing all this new knowledge with voracity. Things became stagnant at around the 8-month mark. The information slowly but surely became repetitive. I wasn't learning anything new, wasn't doing anything that made me feel accomplished anymore. The project my boss had been working on wasn't going as planned and he grew angrier, often snapping at his business partner (whom he sometimes treated like she was nothing but a useless old sock) and at myself. Hours were long at the office, yet days and weeks went by fast... Too fast. I was (and still am) seeing moments of life passing me by: a precious time that's fleeting, escaping me before I can even put a finger on it.
I became irritable, snappy and avoidant, isolating myself from people - my own family and friends alike. I started binge eating, only to later hate myself for it and force myself to go on a strict salad-only diet for days at a time to ''compensate''. My emotions and ideas grew darker (not towards myself); I'd mutter words of indescribably violent nature underneath my breath and miss no occasion to do perverse actions (stealing, mostly). Intrusive thoughts became common and anxiety-triggering: flashes of images in which nails would be torn off or fingers would slowly be cut into violated my mind, horrible enough to make me involuntarily clench my fists and jaw.
It has now become clear to me that all of the aforementioned things are symptoms of repressed stress, anxiety, with a possible hint of depression. Mental disorders have been a struggle of mine since I was 13, but I've always had quite a solid grip upon them. The symptoms, however, are unleashed and grow in strength like a wildfire whenever I am in a life position that profoundly dissatisfies me.
Last but not least, the sedentary lifestyle associated to the office life (half a damn day bound to a chair, sitting in front of a computer) is taking a major toll on my mental and physical health. I am a person of nature, of adventure. I live to move, to be out there, tracking wildlife and exploring the untamed. Nothing gives me greater joy than the sensation of freedom and tales of the wild that soft winds whisper in my ear.
All this to say that I am deeply unhappy with my current job. I am grateful to my boss for the opportunity, but I want to quit. I desperately do. However, I have less than $2000 in savings at the moment (and $35K in assets from my apartment, which I am currently renting out as I have moved back in with my parents to save money). A lot of this past year's salary has been invested in buying a new laptop, some photography gear and an upcoming 3-week expedition in the Malaysian rainforest.
I don't mind working odd jobs while selling the occasional piece of art in order to save some more, if I do end up giving in my resignation now. My plan is to leave the country in less than a year to return to Europe, where most of my family and friends live, and figure something out once I'm there. I have some connections there who would be more than eager to help me find a position working with wildlife or in nature. It's a leap of faith, but my intuition calls for that to happen. It begs for me to quit this job. Yet, that little voice called 'reason' still whispers in the background, leaving me uncertain and even a little frightened about doing this.
This same intuition who begs for me to quit proved itself to be true on many past occasions, and not listening to it on some of these occasions has left me with regrets that I shall carry to my grave (another story for another day). It's partly why I'm very tempted to listen to it this time.
If you're read this far, thank you. I'm honestly not sure if I want to say anything else. There is a lot more I could talk about but I feel like I'd just be rambling at that point. I guess I somewhat needed to vent, too. Writing all of this down definitely feels good, but it doesn't solve my dilemma. That said, I look forward to read whatever thoughts/opinions you may want to share with me.
Thank you again.
Submitted March 08, 2019 at 03:46AM by kashubiatty https://ift.tt/2EGVIrM
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