Part 3 - The Haunted Music club
After the big rock door to Devin’s lair closed, we stepped out of the van as the lights flickered to life one section at a time, each acting almost as a spotlight on Devin’s creations. I stepped forward in front of the van and absorbed my surroundings. It was magnificent. To my immediate left was a long, ancient looking wooden workbench. To my right was a display area with carbon fiber blended body armor and shields. In front of me was a rack with various swords and large, multi-function blade based instruments of destruction. Closer to the center of the room was a bench with a bullet press and various supplies for making ammunition. Some of the shell casings were far, far bigger than any bullet I had ever seen. Propped against the table was another rack with some wicked looking guns and what I can only describe as handheld cannons.
“See this one?” Devin said as we began to walk the length of the bench. He held up a lightweight club that looked to be made of aluminum. It looked very similar to a baseball bat but under a transparent sleeve on the barrel were several nodules roughly the size and shape of an Oreo cookie. He walked to the center of the room where there were, oddly enough, several demon-looking dummies in a circle. They were made of a framework exoskeleton and shaped ballistics gel. The heads were melons, and each had a crude cardboard cutout of a human face strapped to it with a rubber band.
I squinted to get a better look.
“Piers Morgan, Susan Sarandon, Nancy Grace, Kanye West, ALL the Kardashians, plus Bruce AND Katelyn Jenner?
He cut me off there.
“Yep. A fine example of the fact that even if you swap your sex organs the asshole in ya don’t change.”
“Check this shit out.” he said as he removed the protective sleeve from the business end of the club.
Devin walked to the center of the dummies, dropped into a half squat and took a hard swing to his left, making contact with the torso area of Piers Morgan. There was a small explosion from the bat that blew a six inch hole completely through the gel dummy.
“He’s never had a spine anyway!” Devin yelled.
He immediately swung the other way, making contact with the other side of the bat right into the knee of Susan Sarandon. The leg blew completely off and the dummy toppled over.
“Now she can’t look down on everyone!”
He rotated the bat a bit for another nodule as he took a huge undercut into the dummy in front of him, making explosive contact with exact precision on Nancy Grace’s nose and mouth.
“That one don’t need explanin’! He said with a chuckle.
He continued the assault, smacking Kanye across the feet. He had actually strapped a pair of Yeezy’s onto the dummy. They weren’t even knockoffs. I cried a little inside.
“Ugly as fuck, and even more stupid. I better not see ‘em on your feet again, kid!”
He popped the Kardashians one by one, then stopped short of taking a shot to Mr./Mrs. Jenner.
“I don’t even know what I want to do to Brucelyn yet. I’m just waitin’ for some inspiration.”
“Hoooly shit.” I said as I slowly as I surveyed the aftermath. Bits of gel and melon were everywhere, including a gob that had hit me right in the forehead.
“Badass, right?” He said with a look of pride. “I have a tiny bit of explosive over top of a little spring inside, so when the bat makes hard contact with somethin’ the spring compresses against the bat and provides compression for the explosion. It’s concentrated directly out of the nodule so the energy is focused into the point of contact, pretty similar to how a bullet leaves a gun.
Mesmerized, I said “Dude, that’s incredible. You could fight your way out of close quarters combat with only a little bit of space to swing.”
He grinned again. “I call it a Concussion Bat. I take great pleasure in my weapon buildin’, but as of right now I’ve never had to use anything more than my old wood bat and brass knuckles. I’ve been waitin’ on these fools to step up, kinda like Allen Iverson didn’t need to PRACTICE, man. These demons ain’t made me PRACTICE. I never PRACTICE*.*
I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Something here sounded familiar.
*“*Practice? We talkin’ about practice?”
“Yeah buddy, we talkin’ about practice.”
Anyway…He led me to the rack of bladed weapons and selected one with all the pomp and circumstance of a king presenting to a newly knighted soldier.
“This one is for you, kid.”
It looked like a reaper scythe, but the blade was a bit shorter. The handle was angled a bit to balance out the other end, which had two sideways tridents making a T shape at the end of the handle. At the back side of the blade was a thick, flat edge with a blunt end. Creating a T shape at the opposite end of the long staff were two back to back tridents with foot long, extremely thin tips that looked well designed to penetrate easily and remove quickly.
Devin gestured and led me over to the Kardashians. “You do any training with a bow staff during all that martial arts?”
“Sure did.” I said with a huge smile.
I slowly began to swing the scythe, then added in some footwork and twists. The balance was incredible. The movements were effortless and the ends were weighted for maximum power at the point of impact. After a couple minutes getting acclimated, I took shots at the Kardashians. I didn’t get creative with any of my aiming points, although taking shots at their comically giant butts did cross my mind.
The blade and tridents cut through with absolute precision, slicing and dicing the gel like it was nothing. I was even able to twirl it overhead like Snipes in the Blade movies. It was so effortless yet powerful, and I was getting a huge rush from wielding such a weapon. Devin raised an eyebrow.
“Damn, kid. I knew ya more in ya but I gotta admit, you’re impressin’ the hell out of me.”
“But now, the showstopper.”
Devin opened a huge steel safe with a foot thick door and walls. Inside was even more steel, giving way to an open area only about 6 inches square. Inside were several small vials of…you guessed it…green liquid. He held it out in front of me.
I backed up, waving it away. “Dude, I don’t care what that shit is…I’m not taking it. “
“You have to. Look, kid. You’re a pretty tough son of a bitch for a pussy hipster. I’m pretty sure I heard your testicles drop when you cut that bastard’s throat. They didn’t make as big a sound when they hit the floor as I would have preferred, but they still dropped and that means I can count on you. You have to do this. I said it before…you’re on their list now, too. They’re gonna hit us with everything they have this time and even as tough as you are, you won’t survive. If you don’t survive it’s gonna be a lot harder for me to get out of this with my pretty face intact and I’m too damned handsome to leave this earth yet. Trust me, you’re gonna love it.”
I knew he was right. I couldn’t beat these big green assholes so maybe if this stuff could make me a little faster or give me a little more endurance I could make it through this, or at the very least I wouldn’t go down like a little bitch.
“Fuck, man. OK. Let’s do this.”
“Wait…what does it do?”
Too late. The moment I opened my mouth to say “do,” he squeezed about an ounce from an eye dropper right into my mouth.”
He smiled. “Down the hatch!”
As expected, it was nasty.
“It tastes like pineapple mixed with vomit.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty nasty for me too so I make them eat a shit ton of pineapple for a few days before the slaughter and draining.” He said nonchalantly.
I immediately began to dry heave. “IT’S BLOOD??!!”
Devin gave me a “Duuuuh” look. “The fuck did you think it was? Jello shots?”
At first, I felt nothing at all, then I was overcome with ravenous hunger. Devin was ready for it. He opened a refrigerator packed full of protein shakes and began taking them out and opening them.
“Drink all of them. It’s my special recipe.”
I didn’t even hesitate. I downed shake after shake nonstop, like Joey Chestnut on the fourth of July. I could feel my body processing the protein at lightning speed, and my muscles began to grow. The hunger was intense and when it subsided I had downed twenty three shakes, yet my stomach felt completely normal. A surge of energy went through me and I felt the blood delivering nutrients through every vein and capillary in my body. When everything settled down, the muscles of my arms and legs had swelled as much as two inches around. I felt tremendous power throughout.
Devin went into scientist mode.
“Demon blood is very potent. It ain’t much for them because their muscles can’t process and deliver nutrients as efficiently as a human’s. The blood ramps up our endocrine system to absurd levels. It don’t work as fast on me because of my demon half, but I don’t have to take it nearly as often. For you, the effects will only last a couple days, but…a little bit of it will never leave you.”
My eyes suddenly bugged out as the unused remains of almost three gallons of liquid hit me.
“Dude I have to pee NOW.”
Devin let loose his signature laugh and pointed to the bathroom.
FIVE fucking minutes later I emerged, feeling like superman. I had to test it, so I ran to his van. I crossed the 50 foot long room in three strides. Looking around for something to do, I finally reached under the big van, grabbed the frame, and picked up one end of it to the height of my shoulders before gently setting it back down. I jumped as high as I could and easily touched the 15 foot ceiling. I was losing my mind with excitement. Wild eyed, I dropped and did pushups for a full five minutes and didn’t feel any muscle fatigue.
Without even standing, I looked up at Devin with serious intensity. “LET’S GO KICK SOME ASS.”
“Shit!” he said, suddenly. “Look!”
Devin pointed at some video monitors hanging from the ceiling. He had 360 degrees of visibility and a hundred yards of clear land in every direction. He didn’t even need to zoom. I had the vision of a fucking eagle after that squirt of demon blood. They were clearing the tree line, creeping up on the building from all directions. Demons, and a few black SUV’s (typical, I know) I presumed held some humans in charge of the operation. There appeared to be thirty or so, and this time they were armed with various types of club and blade.
Something suddenly dawned on me.
“With as many times as you’ve run train on them, why the fuck have these guys not started using guns?”
Without looking away from the monitors, Devin said “It’s their vision. It ain’t bad, but it’s not as good as ours from a functional perspective. Ask them to tell you what color your eyes are from at least a hundred feet away, they can do it. Ask them to hit you with a baseball from twenty feet out and they look like that time Fifty Cent threw out the first pitch for the Mets. Any time they try to aim at something their eyes fight for dominance. Even with close quarters combat, they can see you clear as day but they have to be real close to hit you. Remember that.”
“Ok, what now?” I said as I looked away from the monitors and surveyed the room, trying to decide what we might need for this fight. Devin looked around as well as he spoke.
“Well, we can hang out here for a while. Even a rocket propelled grenade won’t bust through this place on the first try. It’ll take them a bit, but they will eventually penetrate our asses.”
He laughed. “Oh wait…not like that…well…with a haircut like that, I don’t know for sure which team you play for, but they definitely ain’t penetratin’ mine.”
“Funny guy,” I said as I gave him a stiff punch to the shoulder.
Devin checked the cameras again. “Ok, we’re almost ready.” He walked over and picked out some body armor, and tossed it at me.
“Try that one out. I made it just for you. I even put a dick teepee in there for ya. Size small, right?”
He winked. I glared back as I stepped into a black and grey body suit with armored shoulders and knees. I could feel a tactical vest built in there but it molded to my body perfectly. When I moved, it flexed. When I wasn’t moving, it was as hard as carbon fiber.
“Ya know something Devin? If I wasn’t so hopped up on demon blood right now and itching to fuck some shit up, I’d pull that Katelyn Jenner mask over your stupid face and bitch slap you!”
“That’s the spirit kid! Get mad! Real mad, like the time you caught your daddy in high heels and realized he’d never be able to teach you to throw a baseball!”
He quickly turned back around. “Here we go!” he said as he flipped open a lid on the video screen control panel.
Suddenly the screens switched to views from the tree line. Devin flipped one of several red switches and I heard whirring sounds coming from the exterior of the building. Looking back at the monitors, I could see machine gun turrets pop out of the concrete roof. The demons were only about fifty feet out at this point. A few seconds later the big room was filled with the roar of machine gun fire while we watched from the tree line view as they began running all over the place. The big guns were ripping through flesh all over the place.
“You know we gotta clean that up, right?” Devin said.
The guns continued to shred demons right and left, but quite a few still remained when the ammo ran dry. We watched, laughing, as they ran their painfully slow asses to the building and realized there was no door. There was nothing to attack, nothing to beat down, there was just…nothing. They turned back to the vehicles tree line and waved or shrugged their shoulders. They were all staying by the building, afraid if they went back for Plan B they would be shredded by the machine guns again.
Devin spoke into a microphone on the control panel. “Goddamn, boys! That plan went about as well as Obamacare! Whatcha gonna do for round two?!!”
He cut off the mic. “OK here comes the next shot.”
We watched as they rolled out a military gun. I don’t know shit about military weapons but the barrel was as big as the end of a baseball bat and it had its own little trailer. It slowly rotated our way. If you picture the building as a clock, when we arrived to the lair earlier the garage door had come out of the concrete at the six o’clock position. We currently were watching the monitors at the twelve o’clock position, and the big gun was pointed at roughly the three o’clock side. The gun was ready, and a couple of humans set it up to fire.
Devin looked over at me. “Don’t sweat it. That one ain’t big enough to do much damage. Might rattle your teeth a bit.”
At about that moment the gun fired. Devin was right. The building shook a bit, but when we zoomed the tree line cameras it had barely put more than a foot wide chip in the exterior wall.
“Bitches,” Devin said nonchalantly as he clicked over to the other cameras. The demons had joined up to wait out of the way of the shots as the gun pumped more our way. This was gonna take a while. It was weird though because it looked like every remaining demon was on the side where the gun was aiming instead of as far away as possible.
Devin sat down and propped his giant boots up.”
“Tell ya what kid, these guys are probably gonna change tactics in a bit, but I got a few more tricks up my slee—SHIT!”
Devin’s last monitor click showed our nine o’clock position and about fifty yards out was a semi truck, sans trailer, and barreling toward us like a rocket. The front end was modified with a giant ram and at the center of that ram was a huge spike. The big gun had been a ruse so they could hit us with the truck without further countermeasures from Devin’s arsenal.
“Grab your shit!” he screamed as he snatched up the gear he had standing by. I managed to grab the reaper and another concussion bat just before the truck slammed into its target.
The impact was tremendous and just enough to bust through the wall and leave a bit of room on the sides for the troops to push through. The demon driving was tossed through the windshield and across the room where it hit the wall and splattered.
“One down,” Devin muttered as he got into fighting position. We stood at the passenger side of the van, one of us at each end and our backs to each other. The van would offer us a bit of protection for the first rush. We figured there would be twenty or so but with the size of the gaps around the semi, they could only squeeze through one at a time. We would at least have an opportunity to thin the herd for as long as we could keep up with the initial onslaught.
The concussion bat was ready in my hands and the reaper was waiting for me on top of the van. We had a very short moment to get our bearings before the first wave hit.
“What you working with?” I asked him, so I would know when to get the hell out of the way.
“Well, pickin’ what to use was like choosin’ between my own children, but for this particular endeavor I went with my shoulder shredder and my contact ram.”
In his right hand he held a modified AR-15 pistol. It essentially looks like your average style military rifle but the barrel is only eight inches long, allowing quick firing in close quarters. He had modified it with a fifty round drum magazine and a sleeve for his monstrous upper arm, similar to the sleeves you see on crutches used by people with long term conditions. It allowed him to absorb the recoil and fire easily with just one hand. In his left hand was a Co2 powered ram fitted with the same type of sleeve, gun stock and handle. When he pushed the end against an opponent and pulled the trigger, the gas pressure pushed out a steel shaft with a ram end. It would allow him to clear space when facing more than one of the demons so he could get his shoulder shredder gun in there and do some work. I rolled my eyes at the ram. It was a chrome fist about the side of a softball with the middle finger up. Typical, asshole Devin style. I know what’s on my Christmas list this year though. It would make a great shifter knob on my Prius.
No sooner had I finished lusting after the “Fuck You Fist,” the demons started coming through the gaps. We ran head-on and met them halfway. Devin made absurdly quick work of the first couple he encountered. The thunderous AR pistol cut through them with ridiculous ease.
“Those ain’t .556 NATO rounds boy, they’re .308 Winchesters with a little extra Devin spice, also known as iron rounds!” It became quite obvious as the two he hit first were screaming on the ground as the bullet holes expanded like wildfire as the iron seared into the flesh.
My first opponent was about my own size, wielding a short sword. It pulled back for a big swipe and I panicked for a second, but the concussion bat was at the ready. I swung in a tremendous arc with an uppercut to the chin that devastated its skull, but there was no fucking explosion! As the demon aimlessly waddled around blinded and with barely any capacity to breathe, I realized I had left the protective sleeve on. I gave him a horizontal whack to finish him off, then snapped the bat out to my right side. Just as I had hoped, the sleeve shot off like a missile and smashed against the far wall. It looked super badass and there were two demons about 10 feet away that stopped dead in their tracks when they saw it.
I took two big strides and was on them before they could move. My first swing was a wicked shot to the shoulder of the demon on my right side. The explosion blew right through it and out the neck, tossing a huge mess of flesh onto the face of the demon beside him. While it was stunned I launched myself forward and flipped the bat so I could jam the skinny end into its neck. I ripped it back out and the demon fell dead in front of me.
Devin continued to pump rounds out of his AR pistol, wasting no time in slaying anything that came out of the gap. They got wise to it though, and a few popped through in a somersault and found cover behind the busted concrete that was scattered about. One of them picked up a huge chunk and shoved it in Devin’s direction with impressive speed. Devin turned to the side and took the hit to the shoulder. He hit the floor hard and they were on him in an instant. I had two more coming my way. The first leaped over me in a front flip and suddenly I was surrounded. I was trying to figure out my next move when a third showed up from out of nowhere and kicked me square in the chest. I hit the ground hard but got up to my knees quickly with the bat still in hand. They were pressed tight against me, kicking and hitting with all they had. My new body was unbelievably resilient though, and I took the shots well.
I caught a glimpse of Devin, who was in in the same predicament but on his back at the moment. He looked me in the eyes and yelled. “Susan Sarandon!!”
A switch flipped in my brain and I managed to wedge the concussion bat flat against my chest and shove the barrel end directly into the closest knee. The explosive did its job and blew the lower leg clean off. The demon screamed and fell backward, ending up perpendicular to Devin. Devin reached out a giant hand and jammed two fingers into the wounded demon’s eyes, not stopping until his nails made contact with brain matter.
I had cleared enough space to get a left handed swing, putting my last explosive nodule under the chin of the demon directly to my right. Dead on contact. Things were starting to fall into place for me. I stood up to face the last demon with extreme clarity. My mind was two steps ahead of my body and I felt locked in on the demon’s moves, and even seemed to be synchronized with its thoughts. I knew what was coming, and effortlessly fended off every blow. Its last attempt was a swing at my neck with a spiked steel pipe. I ducked it easily, then shot upward as I grabbed its throat and launched us both in the air, landing it in a body slam fifteen feet away onto a piece of rebar. The demon was speared onto the twisted iron, which burned through the flesh at an incredible rate.
I checked on Devin. He was down to one Demon, but still on his back with the demon bent over him and choking him with two hands. He cleared enough space on his left side to get the end of his Fuck You Fist against the demon’s chest and pulled the trigger. The impact was devastating, sending the demon straight up, its back slamming against the ceiling. When it fell back down Devin was already on his feet. He caught the big demon over his head, then brought it down over his knee like a Bo Jackson bat snap. The demon folded completely in half.
It was pure carnage. Dead demons lay everywhere and their flesh seemed to be stuck to every surface.
Devin looked over at me, tired but full of fight. “What do ya say we take this party outside?”
I looked at him, wild-eyed. “Let’s go kick someone in the dick.”
I hopped up on the van with ease and grabbed my reaper. Devin went to the yardwork supplies and grabbed a backpack style leaf blower off of a hook on the wall, pulled the string to start the gas engine, then strapped it on and gave me a nod. I wasn’t even gonna bother to ask what it did but I was sure it didn’t blow leaves.
He didn’t have to say what was next. I knew we were about to make a grand entrance—or was it an exit? We sprinted hard toward the big truck and rammed into it with our shoulders. The strength I possessed with the help of the demon blood was immense. Even as the truck shot backward several feet, I knew I had more power in me. We rammed it again and this time kept pushing until it was well clear of the wall and out in the open. We backed off, but no one attacked. I took a look around and the remaining demons were standing by the wall with their jaws dropped and a look of panic.
To be fair, I if I had just seen two guys shove a 20,000 pound semi truck twenty five feet I wouldn’t be interested in taking an ass beating from them either. We stood in front of the truck, arms crossed and with shit eating grins. This was over.
Then from around the corner we heard a growl, and out walked what must have been the biggest demon to ever live. It had to have been nine feet tall. If you’ve seen the movie “300,” picture the bigass creature thing the Immortals let loose. Yeah…it was that big.
The other demons stepped back. I think I saw them passing an oxygen mask around.
The giant slowly stepped forward, faced us, and in its thunderous, gravel-like voice, spat out a string of words directed at Devin.
In his best “Karen” voice, Devin said “Well that was a bit rude.”
I put my arms back down, losing some confidence. “Dude, what did he say??”
“My demon is a little rusty at times, but he mentioned your mother, a shoehorn, and a “snahketa.”
I was getting pumped up. This dude insulted my mom.
“What the heck is a snahketa??”
Devin looked over at me. “You don’t wanna know. Trust me.”
Now I was super pissed. “What the hell, man? What does it do???!!”
“Lots of things, buddy. Lots of things.”
Devin spoke back to it. Some sort of jibberish, but it wasn’t exactly threatening.
I was jumping up and down now. I didn’t care how big he was…I was completely amped to kick this motherfucker’s ass. Shit. I called him a motherfucker after he insulted my mother.
“What did you say back? A kickass threat?”
“Nah. I was giving him props for the insult.”
I looked away. “Dick.”
The big demon turned to his guys and went on a long rant. They started to perk up every time he said “Deeevin!.” He didn’t know my name but he kept pointing at me and everyone laughed and acted like they were smoothing their hair.
I looked over at Devin. “I guess I can’t argue with that one.”
Devin put two fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly. The lesser demons all shut up and looked his way. They looked confident now, emboldened by their leader’s words. Devin yelled something that was clearly meant to be insulting. They gasped and looked at their big hero. He turned around slowly and had murder in his eyes.”
“Shit,” Devin said under his breath.
I whispered. “Dude, he looks really, really pissed. What the holy hell did you say?”
Devin continued to stare straight ahead, trying to look intimidating.
“Well, I’m not exactly sure. I think I messed up a couple words there. Pretty sure I crossed a line.”
The demon roared and raised its spear overhead, and his troops did the same with their various melee weapons. Devin dropped his backpack blower and readied himself for a prize fight. The giant drew back and launched the spear with furious speed. Devin barely got out of the way before it jammed into the big truck’s radiator.
They charged. Given how short the distance was, they didn’t completely gas out before getting to us, but it at least gave us a shot to get a few good licks in on the first group before the rest recovered to full strength.
Devin was back on his feet and already going at it with their leader. The monster demon fought with fury. Every blow he dealt sounded like a boulder crashing into Devin’s body. He was fast and clearly had some fighting instruction. The other demons stayed away from him so their leader could exact his revenge for whatever awful thing Devin had said to him. They hit each other with blow after blow, body slams, kicks, chokeholds, and the occasional flying knee. It was brutal.
I had my reaper in hand and was going full-blown Neo on three of these assholes while the others stayed back to catch their breath. Literally, their poor oxygen saturation was saving my life. Things slowed down for me as I cut and sliced with the wicked blade. I made quick work of the three opponents, their body parts scattered about with surgical quality cuts through both flesh and bone. I caught a hard blow to the back from what felt like a sledgehammer. I looked back. It was a fucking sledgehammer. My body was incredibly staying tough but I was gasping for air after the impact emptied my lungs.
It was on me before I could get a good breath back. Another joined, and just like that I was taking kicks and punches to the midsection while a third, very strong demon was trying to choke me out. I fought hard but it wasn’t enough. As I started to lose consciousness things quieted down and all I could hear were the grunts and sharp air movement of Devin and the big demon going toe to toe. I managed to turn my head toward them to look and saw Devin let loose a brutal series of punches then drive his shoulder into his opponent, sending the monster headfirst into the truck’s grille.
The slight turn of my head was just enough for my neck muscles to hold back some of the demon’s arm while my airway opened back up. I fought for a couple good breaths and suddenly was energized. I slammed three elbow shots home, breaking ribs in the asshole behind me. He let go and I dropped to my knees, snatched up the reaper and took a hard swing behind me with the bottom end. One of the tritons shot directly through his skull and the lights went out immediately. The others had stepped back a bit and I ripped the weapon from his head and twirled it back to the blade as I hopped up.
As I got my bearings back and took a look, I saw there were about a dozen demons in front of me. I readied my weapon, but they were looking toward Devin and their boss’ battle in front of the truck. Their faces showed shock and terror. I whirled around to see a beaten and bloody Devin, standing next to their humongous hero, unconscious from his collision with the truck. He looked over at me and the dozen creatures who had completely stopped their effort to beat the piss out of me, and screamed as he grabbed the battering ram attached to the front of the truck. In a feat of strength beyond anything I could have imagined, he very slowly lifted the front end of the truck. It had to have been at least 2,000lbs at the nose. He raised it to a height of about two feet, then dropped the wheel onto the giant’s skull.
It took several seconds for everyone to come out of the trance Devin’s actions had created. I could believe just about anything at this point, but what I had just seen was almost beyond comprehension.
Devin had a smile on his face.
“Don’t nobody worry! I’ll clean this up!”
He reached down and grabbed his backpack blower, pulled the starter and fired it up. It didn’t make a gas engine sound though--it sounded like something else…I couldn’t put my finger on it…then it hit me.
“IRON MAN!” Devin screamed over the sound of a charge building. And just like that, he pulled the trigger that should have pushed air out to blow some fall foliage around, and with a “thumpf!” sound, out came a baseball size projectile. The speed wasn’t anything phenomenal…maybe 90 miles per hour, but it had spines like a sea urchin and it stuck to its first victim on contact.
Then…nothing. No really…nothing.
The demons chuckled a bit, then began to laugh hysterically. The one with the spiny round stuck to him looked down at it and also laughed. The Devin started laughing, and the laughter of the entire group grew louder. Devin looked at me, so I began to laugh too. For a moment, everyone just completely forgot about the situation and had a great time finding humor in Devin’s dud round. Devin even pulled back the hose and looked down inside as if to see what happened, then shrugged his shoulders and doubled over with more laughter.
Then, laughing the entire time, Devin snapped back up and fired off eleven more shots with absolute precision, raised the little chrome “fuck you fist” at the end of his left arm, and pushed a button on the leaf blower’s handle.
Everyone exploded.
Several hours later, having cleaned up and buried the carcasses of thirty six enemies with Devin’s backhoe, we hung out in the remains of his lair. The warm breeze, finally free of the stench of death, drifted in slowly through the giant hole in the wall as we sat in front of the control panel with our feet up and cold beers in our hands.
The remaining enemy, which included the humans who were operating the big gun and what we presumed were more in the SUV’s, had all taken off immediately after Devin detonated the spiny rounds from the leaf blower. They were beaten and they knew it. They would probably try again one day, but not today. Not. Fucking. Today.
“Well, Devin. What now?”
He looked confused, as if this wasn’t out of the ordinary.
“Uhhh…we go back to kickin’ ass. I’ve had a few calls for some work overseas. Maybe we’ll pick up one of those jobs. There’s a lotta assholes out there that need handled by The Big D.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You, Big D, handle assholes?”
“Fuck you, kid.”
We clinked our beers together.
“Fuck you too, Devin.”
Submitted March 22, 2019 at 01:31AM by hgtv_neighbor https://ift.tt/2FtGvfe
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