Hello

Hi all, just wanted to introduce myself if that's allowed. This is a long read now, my apologies in advance and don't read it if you don't want to.

TL;DR: Just my history and experience with the disorder and related things and saying hi.

I have had OCD/anxiety/depression/similar things since I was very young. Hopefully this is appropriate. I am glad I found this sub as it's a comfort to hear from people having similar experiences.

I am a computer graphics artist, so my obsessive tendencies and compulsions are part of what I believe makes me good at what I do, though at a cost to the rest of my life. The rituals in my daily life do make me feel "okay" and in control, so it's hard to imagine life without it, as it's the only life I know at this point.

But it does eat up many hours of every day, ruins my hands, reduces my productivity and quality of life, impacts sleep and relationships and really everything. I've long given up the idea of having a 'normal' life.

But I still have good days and recognize many others have it far worse, so I am thankful for all the good things in my life.

I even sometimes consider what a life with no OCD would be like, but also feel like I would just become a sloppy, careless, gross person with no skills or focus or worth. I'm sure it's not true but that's how it feels.

Growing up I had a very chaotic and stressful childhood, even though I had loving family and friends and do not blame any of them. Life happens, right? But growing up we moved pretty constantly, parent died when I was young, remaining parent had no actual job, siblings had/have harmful drug and alcohol addictions, family fought verbally/physically consistently, etc. This made me always desire order and consistency, peace and control over my surroundings and my self. Escape into games and art is mostly what I found solace in.

I also had terrible anxiety as I have several congenital health conditions that I have had to learn to just accept and not worry about, but used to terrify me thinking "what if ____happens". It's taken a toll as well just physically maintaining to hold on to some quality of life worth living, but I've consistently (miraculously even) improved in many of these areas over the years and am doing fairly well now. I still have social anxieties though, and if in a bad/scary situation it can all creep up again.

Depression is something I struggled with severely in my teens, as many do, with self harm and self destructive actions and choices, etc. That has always remained within me, but is mostly just under the surface (it influences my life decisions undoubtedly, but without active thoughts of self harm or suicide). I will say it can rarely take over still and turn into very active and urgent thoughts if a trigger happens, like maybe I have something like a health issue that causes me to (in my eyes) be unable to meet a professional goal, or not follow through with a personal responsibility, or cause a problem in a relationship, etc. That makes me feel extremely defeated, like my efforts are futile, like there's no point to keep fighting, etc. But overall I've been able to hold on to a positive resolve that keeps me above water, especially with the support of those very close to me.

Anyways back to OCD. I've often suspected that art was in fact a culprit in what caused me to develop the more material aspects of OCD. Symptoms first began when I was young and started drawing more detailed and carefully, realizing I needed to wash my hands to not blemish the paper or brush off graphite dust to avoid smudges, etc. From then on the thoughts of cleanliness and order and mistrust of things not being exactly "right" gradually spilled out into daily life (doors closed 'completely', electronics plugged in 'fully', clothes thoroughly 'clean', numbers even or square or round only, symmetry in everything, food ingredients/amounts being perfect, resolving any social issues so everything is balanced and never unresolved, washing hands after being 'contaminated', etc.)

I've never been at the level of completely uncontrollably having to perform a ritual repeatedly if I really didn't want to, so I know many have it vastly worse, and I hope it's okay that I am posting here. I would characterize my obsessive compulsive thoughts as an ever-present handicap nonetheless.

I will try to explain my experience: If for example I were talking to someone and had an intrusive thought take hold, I might equate it to suddenly feeling like I am standing in a school hallway, with the person still talking to me, yet a little ways away there is now a kid that is starting to drag their nails down a chalkboard slowly and constantly, and only I can hear it, and it's not horribly loud but makes my teeth clench and shoulders tense all the same. It steals my attention away and I can't think or get it out of my head until finally I can perform the particular needed ritual that makes it stop.

I haven't gotten a lot treatment for it (I'm very averse to drugs of any kind), but I know there is exposure therapy and other things that I would like to learn more about. So I'm looking forward to hearing from the nice people here and educating myself on the subject more.

Anyways I'll stop rambling, hope you all are doing well today and thanks for sharing your thoughts on this sub!

Submitted March 15, 2019 at 04:39AM by Noxieus https://ift.tt/2HmcUGU