My vocal coach, Freshman year of college, stated “If you have that surgery, just know that changing or altering the face is like changing the casing of a piano.” Essentially all of our work would be ‘lost’ she said.
Apologies in advance for the length.
After two massive jaw surgeries, both lasting 16 hours and with many post op infections- I’m attempting to find answers in the singing world, my original passion.
I received scholarships to major in vocal performance, at age 18. I began in youth operas at age 11- my only passion was Opera since I was a child, collapsing into tears hearing Tristan und Isolde liebestod, is probably how it began. I simply thought I was ‘pretending’ to be an opera singer, not that I was actually listening to my own voice, but wanting to sound like the legends. My Grandmother sent me more CD’s (she was an equity actor living in NYC) and a bunch of Mozart lieder when I was 11. I did everything correctly, went to a performing arts highschool, etc.
I was facially deformed. My jaw had completely degenerated and reabsorption of the condyles had occurred as an adolescent. I probably had to work harder to compensate for my loss of projection and the anxiety of not getting enough air, for phrasing, since my face had basically collapsed into itself, prior to age 18. Classified as a lyric soprano ( “soprano 1” in Concert Choirs and Madigral ensembles)
It was determined that I was singing with joints that had no cartilage or marrow left and condyles- worn down “ smaller than the nub of a pencil eraser.” After my first surgery, my face was rebuilt and I looked anatomically correct. How does one even decide to sit through every rehearsal instead of recovering from post op MRSA, with a wired jaw, PIC line in arm, humming, longing, aching to sing again? Music school.
The competition in the music world, which had fueled my adolescence and highschool years, continued to push me past what should have been logical limits. I assured my conductor that I would be ready to sing in six weeks post op, to not lose my “seat”-which turned to 3 months of a wired jaw in Music School as a vocal major.
I could still hear the words of one of my highschool vocal coaches ( retired Met opera singer-coloratura-still with her range long into her 70’s) “ ...Do you hear that? ( silence) that is the sound of someone else practicing, becoming better than you...” Haunting words to a perfectionist.
Shortly after the wires were removed and my demands to get the braces off; I was told that the surgery was a failure. They only rebuilt my face over the problem: non existent jaw joints. That was the surgery that was chosen for me. I wish I could say that money was the issue for them( family). One could say, the decision to manipulate my ‘ growth pattern’ was power based. When mistakes were made, their ego, and the desire to minimize my situation- took over.
Post op, I could not sing for prolonged periods of time, but my voice was changed, range increased. I could not sing a 45 min. solo performance for my Sr. Recital. The school was apologetic when they took away my vocal scholarship, but that’s competitive music school. There is always someone with more potential waiting to fill your spot, My main concern during surgery was the potential for damage to my vocal cords following anesthesia intubation, which ended up being the least of my worries.
Skip forward to 2016, I couldn’t breathe was getting less than 4% air intake and MRSA reappeared in the exact location in my jaw. I took the situation into as much of my own control as possible. It obviously that it took money and decisions by adults in my life to have put me in this state. It would take money and the right decisions- the best surgeon in the world, out of state- to attempt to give me some semblance of life. The reason that my case was more challenging was because it including the delicate procedure of ‘screw removal’ chiseling over 50 screws and bone plates out my face before they could even start the next 7 procedures. In addition to new joints, I would require a second Le Forte 1 osteomy. ( Basically re-breaking my face all over again, to put in more screws)
Cause: “idiopathic” There was no logical or immediate need to place me in braces so early in my life, no need for extracting premolars at age 8, no “crowding-“ I was too young for anyone to know how my teeth would come in. Yet with a Grandfather who was 40 years out of practice in Orthodontics, I was the first born grandchild- I became a ‘ tinkering project’ all to get me into braces ( which should have come off as soon as the TMJ was diagnosed at age 13). I remained braces for over 8 years, without reason. I researched everything, including the surgeon. I found documents and faxes from the original surgery which stated that I needed to see the very surgeon who I was immediately referred to,
All that one has to do is google “jaw joint replacement” and my surgeon’s name appears first. He really is the ‘father’ of this procedure and prosthesis. I was still concerned about my vocal chords. I spoke extensively to the anesthesiologist who promised he would use the smallest tube possible ( infant sized), to keep me under. Even the “top surgeon” in this field couldn’t predict what he discovered during surgery. The prior surgeon had broken the delicate, nail file thin bones below my right eye, there were an over abundance of screws. To reach that area of one’s face during this procedure is not normal. Risk of paralysis is high, and I’ve fought hard to move the left side of my face, but still completely numb.
In the end, all that I care about is my voice. I tried to sing, recently, humming first then trying some warm ups, for the first time in 16 years.
They had to remove my ears during the procedure, I was worried how that would effect my hearing and singing ( pitch), recently trying basic singing to record my voice against another to hear myself, again, not sure if I can listen again.
I noticed that my upper range is incredibly breathy, this is something that I’ve never experienced in my entire life. Also, when I try to lift my palate or ‘feel’ resonance- its like having water stuck in your ears and only hearing yourself. I may not articulate this properly because my ‘vocal pedagogy’ is a bit rusty, but I feel like I cannot ‘ access’ my upper range in the same way. They created more space when adding the joints, giving me the normal 11% oxygen. I thought maybe the increased airflow passing through is the issue, but that would mean that perhaps the vocal cords would be damaged. I had worked years to have a smooth flow/connection in my range/scales, Ever since I was a teenager, going higher and higher never felt like anything at all.
I thought perhaps it’s my breath support and started in on analyzing techniques. I tell myself I can get used to the rattling in my face ( they replaced the 50 screws and 67 more) and the joints are ‘ loose’ on purpose. I’ve been so concerned with breakthrough pain, beyond what I ever experienced, over these two yeas of recovery. I cannot recall if I woke up from surgery with a sore throat, there was so much pain in those 10 days in ICU, my left leg paralyzed from the way I was positioned on the table, etc. I am very concerned about why my voice (upper range) breaks in and out of being ‘breathy’ Quite honestly,it has taken this long to even attempt to sing, post-op.
I was hoping to figure out if the movement of my entire face being placed forward, opening the airway, allowing more air to pass than I’ve ever known in my life- if that is the issue, or something more serious like a vocal cord paralysis or my ‘ upper palate’ is paralyzed or nerve damage.
I absolutely cannot move my lips to attempt to “buzz” my lips to bring my voice more forward to feel the resonance as I used to, or the sensation of ‘smelling a rose ’ technique used. I find that I cannot sustain my palate upward, I’ve been told that there could be paralysis, but if I can move it maybe it will take time to build strength, I’m hoping.
I try feel my voice more forward or ‘nasal. ‘ as I would in warm- ups. I notice it cracks more, even with more air, which doesn’t make sense. I feel like I need to take more breaths than I used to when singing a phrase, this is also something that I thought would improve. I’m wondering: if one can finally get more air, as the airway is opened up, why one would have issues with needing to take more breath when singing? If anyone has any insight, I would be most appreciative.
It has been quite a journey but I still can remember years of repertoire word for word. I hope one day to be able to sit at my piano again and attempt to work through a piece, but for now, I keep my vocal library in large Tupperware bins,’ I cannot look at the books yet, but I’m working towards that.
Thank you for your time!
Submitted March 08, 2019 at 05:13PM by serandipamine https://ift.tt/2Hmdpjc
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