I should be less worried about things and my plan for life. Everything has worked out so far, every trial, I’ve survived and I’m in a better place because of it. And the things I hate about my dad, like how easy going he is, is actually his strength and something I lack. I need to be more “chill.” I totally overthink something. Someone ends a statement with a period to me instead of an exclamation mark and I flip my shit. I get all mad at them, then myself, and one thing leads to another and in just ten minutes I’ve already come to terms with never talking to them ever again, then I realize, what the heck me? Like this whole drama about the art camp. Ugh, I could have saved myself so much stress if I would have just trusted God. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but so much peace comes from trusting god instead of myself. At the end of the day, at the end of my emotional messes, at the end of my short lived fantasies,and unrealistic plans for my life, He’s been there. And I’ve ignored him. Why did I turn my back on the truth, there is ONE truth, and I know that at the very core of my soul. I need to trust God, but right now it feels like the equivalent of me suddenly showing up at Audrey’s door and saying I want to be friends again, it just seems so absurd. Obviously I’ve been lacking knowledge of the character of God, but jeez. I don’t regret anything honestly. I do, but I don’t. I wouldn’t be where I am now. I like the struggle. Sometimes sanctification scares me. I just wanna be a mess right now. My soul feeds off my emotional stresses and drama and it’s kind of gross. I don’t know. This all came back to me suddenly. I’m so impacted by the people I’m around. I guess this is what happens when I’ve been at church so often lately.
Anyways, I’m kind of pissed of said church conference because I didn’t get the stuff I needed to get done tonight, but we wouldn’t have talked in the living room for hours if we didn’t and it’s all the butterfly effect. I need to get my art work done. I ordered some easy carve off of amazon and it should be here Thursday and I’m super excited. I don’t know what to make! I have a rough idea with birds kind of. Who knows, this is just a test really.
Laura is going to be home for the rest of the week instead of at work. I’m excited. I love her so much, it’s so nice to have a different personality besides dad. He’s just so.. unstressed, and it kind of makes me stressed knowing he’s not concerned with anything. I’m a mess.
Today I felt kind of pretty for a split second. After I got home from work and took my hair down. It kind of waved and my bangs were parted in the middle and flowed into my hair. I kind of wonder if I should grow them out. I’d look a lot older if I would. You know what? I’ll do it! By the time camp rolls around they’ll be at the perfect length. Sweet, now I’m losing weight, growing my nails out, AND my hair. Wow. I feel so much like an adult. Which I WILL be in a year and two months. AGH. THATS SO SOON. I’m not ready for life, but if I reflect back on how much I change in a year, I’ll be fine.
Moral of today: I need to start trusting God more. My life is not my own. I am broken.
Break me Lord. You tried with mom over summer but even that couldn’t break my wall. I’m tired of fighting. I give up.
Amen.
Submitted March 13, 2019 at 06:38AM by sweirdoway https://ift.tt/2T4GdyQ
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