Parenting after loss

Previous submission: My experience with dating

Still writing…

Since my wife died, raising the girls alone has been both challenging and rewarding. My daughters were 8 and 12 when she passed (they are 10 and 14 now), and we had always gotten along well. I think in some families one or the other parent takes on the majority of the parenting and the other is more of a back-up, but in our family I felt like we were a team.

Before she died, every Friday was date night with the girls. She and I would each take one daughter out on separate dates – the girls would pick out the venue. So I might take one daughter to Steak and Shake and she might take the other to McDonalds. I was never a big fan of fast food, but when you let a kid pick where you’re going, you have to be willing to eat something you might not have otherwise. We had been doing this for many years, and after she died we continued date nights, but now it’s the three of us together every Friday. I didn’t want either of them to feel left out. We rotate on choosing the restaurant, and I get a choice in the rotation as well so things have improved from when they were younger. And as they get older, fast food has gradually fallen from their choices. The places they usually choose are Olive Garden, Red Robin and Applebees. I can’t say these are favorites of mine either, but it doesn’t matter since they are having a good time.

We still have one-on-one time, but not as often as we used to since there aren’t many times when one is occupied and the other is not. The girls are both enrolled in dance classes and their schedules don’t always coincide, so while one is dancing I will often take the other to Starbucks. They don’t drink the coffee (they’re kind of young for that) but they do enjoy cake pops or cookies. We’ll sit at a table and I’ll ask how school is going or what they’re doing with their friends lately. I think it’s important to talk to them to know how they’re doing.

I have also noticed that kids are surprisingly honest about how they are feeling. In the first months after her mom died, my youngest was quite clear with me that she would rather it was me that died than my wife. She has some friends that are raised by single moms (divorced, not widowed), and in her mind being raised by her mom would have been better. I would always agree. Things would have been better for them the other way around – I try very hard to be nurturing and hug them and take care of them as best I can, but that’s something my wife was naturally good at while for me it’s something I have to put effort into since I’m normally not a very emotional person. I think she’s ok with how things are now – she hasn’t made a comment like that since she went through therapy. In fact, she often tells me that she thinks I’m doing a good job. I don’t think she’s being facetious.

My oldest is more guarded about talking about her feelings. I think she is more like me in that regard. However, I can tell when her emotions are bothering her because she gets quiet and will tuck her knees up under her chin while she’s on the couch. When the two of us talk, it’s entirely different than with my younger daughter. The oldest is more concerned with her relationship with her friends, whether her clothes fit well, things that teachers are assigning at school and how much homework she has. I think she took it upon herself to be like a “mini-mom” after my wife died. I would frequently find her tidying up the house or wiping down the table and counter top. She would make me lists of what to buy at the grocery store and put them on the whiteboard I bought to keep our schedules where everyone could see them.

I would try to find time to do activities together whenever we could. I would take the girls to a local park to go for a walk or to play on the playground. We would have a lot of fun if we were by ourselves, but I would feel awkward if other people were there. Usually it’s just moms that take their kids to those places. I always felt like I was getting stared at by the mothers, but if I made eye contact they would look away. Nobody ever said anything, but I got the impression that dads aren’t really supposed to play with the kids. Eventually I would just sit on one of the benches and check my email on the phone while the girls played with each other. I tried to time later visits for when others wouldn’t be there – usually that meant around dinner time instead of early afternoon.

We also did projects around the house. My youngest had a phase where she would make all kinds of slime. I think over the course of 6 months she probably made 2 or 3 gallons worth. She learned how from kids on YouTube, but unfortunately she would often add in her own ingredients for fun. When she added nail polish remover it took the finish off of our kitchen table. I didn’t get upset – it wasn’t worth making an issue over. Before my wife died, that’s something I probably would have been upset about, but I have noticed that I’m a much different person than I used to be. My oldest likes to draw on the driveway – our driveway is longer than average (about 3 or 4 car lengths) and Crayola makes special large chalk just for driveways. She would draw unicorns and dragons and fish, or write messages on the driveway for me to read later.

We also cook because both girls think it’s fun. We have made cookies and cakes and brownies together. That’s something they enjoy because I let them lick the whisk when we’re done. When we make breakfast, I put one in charge of cracking the eggs and the other in charge of buttering the toast, while I make the bacon or sausage. If we have pancakes, I let them add extra things to the recipe like chocolate chips or vanilla, or food coloring if they feel like having pink ones. I like cooking because it’s something where we each have a part to play so it feels like teamwork.

Occasionally we’ll do a planned activity. My oldest daughter likes to paint. There’s a place up the street where they provide canvas and paint and they have instructor led art sessions. I think usually it’s for “mom’s night out” type gatherings where a bunch of women drink wine and paint and talk – my wife and I did one once and I was one of 3 guys in the whole place. However, my oldest daughter wanted to try it too – she had seen a couple of mom’s old paintings around the house. I signed us up for a class that was aimed towards mother/daughter pairs – I called the place and asked if it was alright if a dad came instead of a mom. They said it was ok. Later I got an email that the class had been cancelled due to lack of interest. My daughter cried because she had really looked forward to it. I called the place and told them I’d buy out however many slots they needed to make the class worthwhile, but the receptionist said they don’t do that. I explained the situation with my wife having died earlier in the year and my daughter really wanted to go – it turns out one of the instructors had lost her mother when she was younger, so she came in and held the class just for the two of us. I was very relieved and if it was appropriate I would have given that woman the biggest hug for what she did for us and also for having gone through what my daughter was going through. I remember thinking that if that woman made it through everything and turned out ok, then my daughter would make it too. I also remember thinking how strange it was to want to hug someone I barely knew. I have not really been a hugging person through most of my life. It wasn’t until after my wife died that I started hugging my daughters more often than just before bedtime. Now I hug them often – sometimes multiple times per day.

I’m rereading what I wrote and it sounds like I’m some kind of great dad or something, but I have certainly made mistakes along the way so I don’t want to omit those. If other widowers are reading this, I don’t want them to set unrealistic expectations for themselves based on what I have written. I recall I took the kids to a movie where they have the heated reclining seats (they’ve renovated all of the theaters around us). I fell asleep during the movie and one of my daughters had to wake me since I had apparently been snoring. I seem to be a lot more tired as a single parent than when my wife was around. We’ve also had some bad days along the way. Last year one of my daughters had lost her dance shoes and we were looking for them after class – one of the other dance moms offered to help look for them and asked what they looked like. My daughter yelled back at her “they look like dance shoes, what do you think they look like?” and she was very rude about it. I apologized to the mom and told her I’m doing my best, but they were better behaved when their mom was still around. We did eventually find the shoes and when we got in the car afterward, I turned around in my seat and yelled at her and told her being rude to other parents was unacceptable and her mother wouldn’t have stood for that if she was alive and neither would I. I was very angry and lost my temper. She started crying. My older daughter also started crying because she had never seen me raise my voice before – I’m normally a very calm person. I drove them home and said I was sorry – if mom was still around I wouldn’t be yelling either, so we all needed to work on our attitudes. I really regret that day – my daughters will sometimes bring up that day and say they were really scared. The last thing I would want is for my daughters to be scared of me.

I think I’m less responsible than other parents sometimes. My daughters like to have sleepovers for their birthdays. They will invite 2 or 3 other kids to sleep over and they’ll watch movies or play games. The first time this happened, they got out shaving cream and were throwing it at each other. Their clothes were covered, it was all over the house and outside too because they had been running around. One of the girls said this was way cooler than any other sleepover she had gone to, but I was afraid I was going to get chewed out by their parents when they came to pick them up the next day. When the girls changed into their PJs I put everyone’s clothes into the wash and hoped they wouldn’t get ruined. I’m not the best at laundry and sometimes clothes will turn colors if I’m not careful. I was in luck though because everything came out clean. If any of the parents were told how crazy our house was, they didn’t say anything to me about it. The same girls came to her birthday sleepover the next year so I guess it all turned out well enough.

Overall, I think we’re doing ok. Things have definitely been better in the second year than they were in the first. I remember thinking at one time that I would never be able to handle raising them alone - I think I mentioned in my last post that one of my reasons for starting to date was for more female influence for the kids. However, things have changed for the better. We have a good daily routine and fun on the weekends, and I feel like even though I may not be as good as 2 parents or even as good as the single moms out there, I’m still doing well enough that the girls will turn out ok in the end. It’s surprising to me how many women have reached out to tell me that they were raised by their fathers – and not always due to the death of their mothers. There are some moms out there that walk out on their families; it’s not just something men do. These women have often been people I had a lot of respect for without knowing that about them, so I think my chances of raising the girls successfully are better than I had originally thought.

As before, I hope this was helpful to any other widow(er)s out there – I think this one was probably more for the dads than the moms. Just because we don’t have a ‘maternal instinct’ doesn’t mean we can’t give it our best and hope it all works out in the end.

Submitted February 05, 2019 at 03:54AM by Colin_Thrase http://bit.ly/2t7dKOA