This was a year ago. My friends and I were in the UK for a week. We decided to go to a reggae party at a dance hall in Manchester because we were missing a yearly reggae show at our favorite bar back home.
I tried to figure out what sort of place this venue was beforehand. I found out it’s an old mansion-turned-art space. Cool, I grew up in the Chicago punk scene, this is right up my alley. A lot of stuff online said to wear old sneakers, a 90s windbreaker, my hair in buns, glitter, and a bindi. This seemed like a really random assortment of stuff to me. I figured I’d just dress the way I always do.
Anyway I think part of the issue is that I forgot the drinking age is 18 in the UK. I was 24 at the time so when I go out at home, I’m never the oldest person in the bar. My friends are all in their 30s. We got there and immediately felt out of place. Everyone is like 16-19. Whatever, we decided we can stay and dance for a couple hours.
Only as we get our drinks and try to settle in, it just feels more and more awkward. It’s very crowded so we can’t get onto the dance floor without pushing through. This is fine normally, but everyone keeps looking at us like we’re here to shut the party down. We decide to just hang out by the bar.
This last part is going to sound silly but it’s really what’s stuck with me. I was dressed how I always am at home: skinny jeans, flannel, a denim jacket and vans. In Chicago this look goes unnoticed anywhere. There are a million people dressed like this in any establishment. At some point some kid pointed at me and said, “look, there’s a rocker here!” All excited like I was an exotic animal or something.
I know how dumb it sounds but this was the nail in the coffin for me. I just wanted to go back to the Airbnb after that. We hung around for one drink and left. I know it’s stupid to be so thrown off by some random kid’s comment, but I’ve never felt so out of place before, and having some kid specifically call attention to it just made me shut down completely.
I guess I had never really thought about subcultures in other countries. I sort of assumed there were just nerds, punks, hipsters, etc etc everywhere. It was weird to realize what I consider very “neutral” at home is not necessarily a default somewhere else. I dress the way I do knowing that if I go out, I’m not really calling any attention to myself.
The other reason this stuck with me was that I had a lot of self esteem issues in high school, and finding my current friends after graduation is really what got me out of my shell. But after this experience, I kind of feel like nobody every totally “gets over” having low self esteem. It’s just that when you get out of high school and don’t have to be around hordes of judgemental teenagers all day, it gets a little easier to be yourself. More importantly, when you’re no longer forced to be around your peers 24/7, you can specifically surround yourself with people who look like you. It was just disturbing to realize how artificial and fragile my self esteem and comfort in public really is. I’m only ever comfortable because at home, I know what neighborhoods I look normal in. Place me somewhere else where I don’t understand the fashion, and I’m immediately a 16 year old who wants to hide in the corner again.
Submitted February 23, 2019 at 06:54PM by 7778652 https://ift.tt/2SnglxU
No comments:
Post a Comment