no motivation, aways feeling down and even at my dream college and having a girlfriend, i still feel like crap

no motivation i suppose is alot of it, but in all honesty, college is just pissing me off now as the work is just getting to me.

All day yesterday i was off but i was to tired to go on-this is common and i sleep for fucking hours.

i cry at anything and nothing and emotional even when on my period its worse, as i get more agressive and just feel like locking myself in a room incase i physically punch someone as everyy little thing pisses me off, a noise, , a smell, hell if even somone is standing slightly in the way, i'm angered... even of its not their fault

starting to care less and less about everything and i hate how i am.

hate my aperance hate relationship with food hate college now and i hate living in this house and want to move away after i'm 18- in short- homophobic overbearing parents who whont even let me watch educational youtube videos because 'theres a man on the screen-who the fuck are you speaking too!!!'

hell, might aswell share some things i cant do as an 17 year old, three months away from her birthday.,

cant cook cant dress myself properly without things going wrong cant make a bed use kitchen equipment like a kettle or microvave to name the worse dont like holding knives and eats with a butter knife because toomany time my clumbsy ass has droopped one and hurt myself with it ohh and i'm clumbsy as hell. it might have something to do with sight in my right eye, but even then i bump into things in my left, always fall over and bang into things, loose things all the time, and i cant do more things than one at the time and thats crap because i loose foccuss easily because bugger me if i cant even right a small paragraph without being drained and wanting to rip the hair out of my head thats something i also do... as well as pick my nails and chew my tongue, if i dont i get agitated and a pit ticked off.

i'm over weight and nomatter what i do, i cannot loose it.

gonve weeks without eating at most 2 meals a day because the effort of getting food was too mutch.

now i eat to mutch as its the only thing that pleases me

at an art course and i cant even draw

and yes, i have been suicidal as thats a question people may asked, twice during highschool and once two days ago, because everything was messing up and we almost had a crash because our van lost it's steering... just, boom, decided not to steer.

and dreams and nighmares anre an issue, more nightmares than dreams, and most of them about people i care for dying, or dreams about meeting new people that i truely loved but they arent real but felt more real than most people i know, and dreams about me just doing the 'many ways i could kill myself' wouldnt attemnt those things i see in my dreams, but still.

i'm scared of everything also, because of how clumsy i am, i don't trust myself doing anything or just scared of doing it because- i'm just going to fuck up anyway.

i'll stop there, all this is fucked anyway.

Submitted February 07, 2019 at 08:47AM by AlicornGamer http://bit.ly/2GrOc6B