So this happened about a month ago. BF (37) and I (25) have been dating for a year and a half, and there's always been (in my mind) an issue of his ex. He likes to be friends with his exes. That's fine. Ideally, I wouldn't want them in our lives and for the most part that's true. However, his most recent ex (BF broke up with her 3 yrs ago, dated for 5) lives in our small city and they chat on messenger and meet up in groups and sometimes alone to hang.
Nothing inherently wrong with that. Again, if they were just solid wholesome friends I wouldn't feel weird about it. I'm not the jealous type and am I'm not envious of her because personally I don't think she has a handle on things. He doesn't want anything romantic to happen between them and I believe him.
Anyways, there were a lot of red flags that made me uncomfortable about their 'friendship'. A quick timeline of things...
- One drunk night she suggested they date again a couple months before BF and I met (I'm a believer that being drunk doesn't make you a liar it makes you just say what's on your mind).
- She sent a long, drunk, text last Jan about how it's not fair that he's still in town and potentially moving in with me (not true), he explained that they need a break from each other until things cool off (at my request).
- During those next few months she was sending passive aggressive texts at him whenever he missed a group hangout (I never told him not to go but yeea he did the right thing) and she would offer to lend an ear if he needed to talk about his personal problems (death in the family, she didn't know them well). It felt like a gross overstep on her part.
She was always quite cold towards me and inferred at times that I was superficial. I felt like she didn't put in any effort to be at least kind with me, which is important if you want to be good friends with your ex/bf.
But here's where I think he done wrong. They started talking and hanging out again (sometimes alone sometime with friends) and he never really told me about when this started up again. It began late summer '18. I felt gaslit when I told him I felt weird about her, oh and one night after reading her angry text messages (he passed me his phone b/c I wanted to see her January drunk text), I saw that she wrote "understood why I, r/noireau, would be jealous of her" a night after they hung out. I think he had attempted to explain why they didn't hang out for a while. Anways, I got realll pissed off about that. We talked until about 2 am. I got real pissed asking him to first off a) clarify to his ex/friend that r/noireau isn't jealous and to b) not let that slide in the future if you count on having a healthy friendship with her. He never did.
After that fight LITERALLY the next day she's over (mutual friends from Chicago were visiting) and he lends her some of his favourite comics in front of my face. DUDE, not cool. I explain this, he doesn't really get it until I explain it when we were breaking up lol. He also has her art on the walls (fine) but I had to fight him tooth and nail to get this damn Jake the Dog plush toy outside of our bedroom (nothing against Jake but get her out of our bedroom pls thx).
When bf and I had a break in December they got together and she vented about pent up issues she had 3 YEARS post-breakup. Yikes. We've had several convos about her during our relationship that ended with r/noireau stop worrying about it, I care for you I'd never intentionally hurt you.
To his credit he's in incredibly kind person. Almost to a fault. He puts other people's need before his own. There were other things like his problem with alcohol moderation (gets way too hammered b4 everyone else) that soured things but namely it was the guttural pain I got from seeing him texting with his ex when we were hanging out pre-holidays that was the final straw. AITA?
Edit - Grammar
Submitted February 06, 2019 at 08:36PM by noireau http://bit.ly/2SpVf6j
No comments:
Post a Comment