This post is about how i found and lost my best friend of that time.
The timeframe is about 5 years of studying and shortly after studying.
When i was in school, i always was the introverted loner type and unhappy, but this is not a school story. It just gives you reference of how I felt when i started studying. I wanted something else than what i had and for the first time, i found someone where the feeling of 'best friend' was mutual.
He was a kid who studied math was me. The type to be a bit edgy and play in a band, but very extroverted and good around people. We wuickly hit it off and i got a lot of fond memories especially from that early time of the friendship.
For example, we partied and he slept over. The next day, we had lectures, woke up and he was like 'eh, do we really need to go to that one?', slept for an additional hour, mutually asked ourselves that question for every lecture of the day, slept to noon, then got lots of movies and delivery food. Then he slept over for 4 fucking days while we just kept degrading into cavemen, only leaving the house to get more movies. I actually had to send him to the door to get the food (daring him whether he will do it without a shirt on) because i was too ashamed in front of the SAME SINGLE DELIVERY WOMAN who came EVERY TIME of the like a dozen times we ordered.
This might not mean a lot to some people, but for a person who hardly ever was priority in someone else's life, having a person like you enough to spend a whole week with you just hanging out means a lot.
We became really close so that mutual friends were like 'you are a gay couple' the usual, and back then, i enjoyed them saying such a thing.
He stopped studying math because it wasnt for him, but he kept studying s th else so we could still see each other, it was no problem. The problem arose very slowly and gradually, so that they were hard to notice at first and, even after i noticed them, hard to act upon them.
The first visible thing was just about money. We started out saying things like 'oh well, we pay for each other sometimes and it will equal out', but that was never true. He did petty things like giving me the exact money when we were eating out and expecting me to pay the tip. It was pretty sneaky, because when i mentioned it, he'd roll his eyes and just add a euro, so i felt petty for asking (for US readers, in europe, you do not tip as much, one adding one euro for the tip would be acceptable for the amounts we ate out).
But it was still a strong friendship. We did stuff with each other that really gave me s th. He got me into going to the gym and i really enjoyed broing out at the gym and doing other kinds of sports together (some fighting sports). Thus i was able to ignore the money thing, even if it was getting ridiculous (he claimed he didn't have money, but he got lots of VERY expensive comics. It was more than just not paying for tip now, too, as he often lent money and i had to pressure him to pay it back. If i wouldn't, i would not get it).
The second thing was more important than the money thing, but harder to notice. He was beginning to get toxic, putting me down a peck whenever he (i assume) felt threatened. He was the kind of friend who was very kind when he felt superior (and let himself be vulnerable often in 1n1 settings), but who would have a huge problem if you got spotlight over him when other people were around.
I remember when we were staying at my parent's place and going to a pub. Some girls came to the table (younger than us, they were 18, we were 21) and one of them asked us whether one of us would be willing to go out with her friend because she never had a date. Now, i already said in my backround, i was an introverted type, i didn't have much experience with girls too. So this would have been a nice thing for me. Yet, I didn't want him to feel uneasy and did not know what he thinks about it and wanted to check that first before answering. He instantly agreed and got 'chosen' by the girl, giving him the number and stuff. After they went away, he said 'hah, oh well' in some smug way, seemingly proud that he got 'chosen', even tho he knew i was struggling in this department. My biggest problem was that i knew i wanted to check his feelings first and he steamrolled over mine, that was the first time i really noticed how toxic he was.
He always claimed he'd 'help' me in social settings when i was feeling anxious, but he actually made it worse whenever i was actually succeeding. When i made a very good female friend who lived with me, he obviously got to know her too when he was over at my place a lot. I instantly noticed how, for example, when we walked somewhere he would actively try to barge between me and her and talk to her. I was so jealous that i then did the same thing to him once, and he looked at me smug and was like 'calm down man, don't be so jealous'. He knew what he was doing. BUt fortunately he didn't succeed, she plainly did not like him.
Another really insanely petty thing he did was when we met people via sports. We did a fighting sport and on the busride there, another guy from there would usually be in our bus (we would enter the bus when he was already sitting in it).
When i enter a bus with a friend and see only one seat, i stand with my friend. I know some people do not do it, but i usually do. My friend was the polar opposite. He always basically ran to a seat before i could even enter the bus, making an active effort to enter the bus before me, so he could sit with the guy from our sportsclub. The one time there were 2 seats available in the opposing row from the guy (so he would sit next to the floor and over the floor, there were 2 connected seats available), my friend acted like he was generous for asking me whether i would rather want to sit at the window and insisted i do that just so he could talk to the guy and ignore me. In our sportsteam, since i was there more often than my friend, i had stronger connections to the people there. MY friend could not have that and thus made active efforts like that to outdo me. I don't know why he would do that, he was good in social settings and had no problem making friends, but he did.
Now, you will ask, why didn't i end this sooner? Well, for starters, first best friend. NOt easy to break that up. And aside from the instances i mention, we still had a strong bond. Doing a lot of stuff together (meeting basically at least every 3 days and then spending the night at my place (his wasn't suited for it). When we met, chances were i would be having a lot of fun. But then that started changing and we stopped meeting so much.
He started tindering (which was not a problem for me, i was rooting for him to find a gf because i knew he had a nasty breakup before we met). My problem was that he came over to me and then just wrote with his tinder matches, ignoring the movie i put on, not talking to me. He also regularly invited his dates. Ofc i could have said no, but he asked like 'i told so and so she could come around, is that fine?'. Things like that. He also did that with male friends, even one time making me give a friend of his and his gf a place to sleep (i liked them so that was ok, but he still asked in in a 'i already told them' way). So , the quality spent together was getting less and less because mostly, he would either go away after some time when he got horny or even have a girl over, sometimes fondling with her. I was angry at him for that (because while i was rooting for him, it is just pretty nasty to do that to a friend of which you know he is struggling with women) and ignored him for some time to let him feel it. I thought if he doesn't actually want to spend time with me, if i just stop asking, he will stop too. But that wasn't the case, strangely. He did keep asking to meet (or at least keep fake asking to meet in this 'we should meet some time' kind of thing, just to cancel plans). This went on for some time and since i had my female roommate, it wasn't so bad at the time because i had someone else to do stuff with. At that point, i started writing off the friendship a bit. BUt it had a small revival.
His tinder face stopped and we started doing stuff again. My female roommate finished studying and i was a tad lonely again, so was glad about this coincidence. i talked with him about how i felt, we made amends, it seemed to be fine. Sadly, that did not last either and from now on, all went to shit.
I got replaced, fairly and simply. Everything we bonded over stopped. He got a legit girlfriend now and a new roommate (a work friend of his which he (and i) liked a lot). And from that point on, he did everything we did together with them. Before we usually went to the cinema together: Now he did it with work friends only (because he got the tickets for free via work, but still, it just meant we would never do it again). Broing out at the gym?
He'd go to another gym with his new roommate. I actually was well trained at that time, sixpack and all, but i stopped going because i was so used to going together at that point. I know, my bad, but still, i would have been able to go alone if he didnt cancel last minute when he offered me a ride there like 3 times in a row, killing all my motivation because i was angry and just wanted to be home).
He rarely came to my place now, and if he did, he didn't stay over but left at like 23pm to meet up with his GF.
I liked both his GF and his roommate a lot, the sad thing was that i was getting along with them better and they gave me more positive reinforcement than my friend did. By that time, i was a jester. I was always good at telling funny stories and people like me for that. But that alone does not get you respect. So what basically happened were things like this:
I asked my friend whether we could hang out. He said yes. Cancels plan last minute, claims he does not feel well. Then calls me at 12am, hanging around in his flat with roomie and gf, drunk, going like YEAH MAN YOU SHOULD COME OVER! MY GF WANTS TO HEAR YOUR FUNNY STORIES; TELL US SOME!. I had to make it very clear to them that i would not come because my busses would not drive, when he said i could just sleep over np. I did that mistake once before. I arrived, then my friend said he is tired now and just went to sleep 20 min after i arrived. Ye tthe second instance, even tho i didnt go, made me far angrier because it was so obvious what i was now.
At that point, it was clear to me that this friendship had no future, but it still meant a lot to me. I wanted to give it a nice ending. I was in my master's by then, but i always had a thing for art, even when studying math and applied to filmschool. I didn't think they'd take me (entry is hard), but they did. There was a second examination, so i wasn#t quite taken yet, but i overcame the first hurdle that not many people clear at their first try. And i was kinda dumbfounded by that, because i didn't actually emotionally plan to transit away from that city. But then I realized there was nothing holding me back anymore. My roommate was gone, the other friends i had there were slowly going or not that close to me and my friend treated me really shitty. I told him i wanted to go to filmschool, and he was supportive of that. But when i made it clear over and over i would possibly be gone soon and wanted to do some of the things we always said we'd do, i just got excuses.
It weren't huge things like travelling to japan that i asked for. I wanted to have one more real movie night and stayover party. There also was some restaurant we still had a coupon for (and which was amazing) that i wanted to have a feast in with him. My plan was to do these nice things, go to a wellness bath (sounds fancy, but is just really relaxing) at which we had been before when we were both stressed and talk things over. I wanted some closure. That did not happen.
The time before i left was insanely rough for me. After a draining bachelor thesis, i was torn between keeping up my master and preparing for the second round. I didn't know whether i could really go to filmschool yet so i had to keep up with the master stuff, but my motivation obviously was very low because i felt torn between these. My flat was a mess because of mold (not my fault) and had to be cleaned, so i could not even really be at home most of the time.
It didn't got much better when i finally cleared exam two, because then i had to plan to move to the other city (which wasn't easy, flat situation there is difficult). My friend said his grandparents have flats there and he'd totally ask them. I asked him several times about it, he never did. But that's fine by me, i didn't want to feel like i was still dependent on him.
I gave him my ideas of a nice last week with the sleepover, restaurant and bath, and he agreed to it. I thought i could have a nice ending for the friendship.
When we met at the restaurant (which was fancy and expensive, coupon or not), i was surprised he dragged his gf along. I fully intended to pay for both our meals, and then she actually asked whether i'd pay for her too. I didn't want to let everything i planned go to shit, so i did pay for the 3 of us. I eat a lot and drink a lot and i loved the place and would never see it again, so the final bill was 150 euro. After that, he quickly went away with his gf to play pokemon go. I was relieved about that. I think at that point i realized that i would feel 0 responsibility for him once i was gone.
He cancelled both the spa and the sleepover after that, claiming he is busy for work. On the last day when my parents drove me home, he and his gf came to my flat for 5 min saying bye. That was it.
I was ready to forget him. This post is already too long, so i will only be very short about the filmschool part: I love it. I made many great friends there, my problems with women are over, i am my own independent man and i think this will be the best time of my life because there is nothing i could pinpoint at the moment that is actually wrong with my life.
But there was one last addendum. Early in filmschool, my friend skyped me, asking me how i was doing. I did not expect him to do that but was pleasantly surprised. He said his GF left him (like 2 fucking weeks after i paid for her fucking food), in a really nasty way too, cheating on him, telling him, then him telilng her he still loves her, then she telling him that she doesnt. Believe it or not, i felt bad for the guy, i didn't want that kind of revenge. I thought that we might maybe still have a way to do stuff with each other for birthdays or some rare meetings. He actually came over to my place in the other city (which is a 1.5 hour trainride, so he put some effort) and the meeting was nice. I dind't know how to feel about that, but i didn#t want to destroy it if he wanted to change his ways. I was wrong.
When a mutual friend moved to a new place, he had a giant party (a fancy party with people in suits, lots of food, more like an eyes wide shut gathering than a student party, his gf was insane). It was very very far away from me (3 hour ride via train, then not being able to get back before 7am), but i wanted to take the chance to surprise my former friendgroup after being away for some time. I had to notice nothing changed. MOst people were nice to me, asking stuff, but it was same old. My friend basically ignored me in the most horrible way. He rather talked to people he sees every day (gf of a mutual friend) than talking to me. He then talked to another guy in his band for hours, when i was getting ready to go early because i didnt wanna stay until 7am under these circumstances.
I went to my friend. He was like 'OH ARE YOU GOING ALREADY? THAT'S TOO BAD'. I told him i would have to go in half an hour, thinking we could at least talk for half an hour. Instead of that, he kept ignoring me for half an hour, until i told everyone goodbye. Then he came to me, hugged me frantically and KISSED ME (that is s th he sometimes did drunk, dont think toom uch about it), telling me how much he misses me. Then i get calls from my actual friends in the new city, asking whether i wanna come over and have fun. I couldnt, because i was at some desolate trainstation at night.
That was the last nail. There was never an open fight, but i semi ghosted him after that. Whenevr he wrote me, i took 3 days to respond to then stay stuff like 'yeah i might have some space in the later half of the year'. Petty i know.
I actually want the confrontation. I want to tell him what i wrote. But i don't see a constructive reason for it. He would probably even agree with me by now, but there is nothing he could change.
The last time i met him was a year again (to his birthday party, today is his birthday, the party is in one week).
I went because I wanted to meet old friends and was curious. The party was fine, i met old friends, could tell them about my new life (i wanted them to know i was fine, most of the people in the old city were friendly to me). But i noticed the friend has gotten old. When we started studying, he was some vegan antifa kind of guy, going to protests, saying he'd rather kill himself than not getting wasted on new year's, things like that. He seemed tired now. His friends move away and work, he will have to be a teacher soon too in some city where he does not know anyone. He spent new year's even sleeping, he told me, because he was tired from work. His roomate is still with hima nd they are still friends, but since he has his new gf, they do not hang out that much anymore (the roommate).
At the end of the birthday party, it was just the 2 of us. I didn't know whether to bring things forward. My friend was nice to me, staying awake until my first train would drive. We talked about stuff, but it kinda felt shallow. He wanted to take a chacee and told me about an emotional problem he has about his family. I know that i would have comforted him back then, took active interest and tried to make him feel better. I couldn't bring myself to care anymore. This guy that was so important to me that i wasted money and time en masse on him was an old guy now that i had 0 interest in. His problems do not interest me, nor does his opinion. By now, i only felt pity that the happy kid i knew became that. Even when i was angry on him back then, i knew he was actually a good guy with severe flaws. I still think that now, just that he is out of energy now. If you are full of energy and positive things to do, you can overlook flaws. That time is over now, and he is lonely. I had the chance to really hurt him there and confront him, but i could not bring that over me. We departed and I went home.
I am invited to his new birthday party. I do not know whether to go. I wanna meet some old people again, but the trains are problematic (either i was 3 hours or i stay 9, both involve 1.5 trainrides coupled with busrides).
I don't want him to feel bad about me not coming. I do not want to hurt him. But on the other hand, this is the life he has chosen for himself. If he didn't treat me like he did, i'd probably travel there once a month or so to do fun stuff, but right now, i just have friends whose presence i enjoy more and who never abused me.
Well, those are a lot of words and (if you didnt notice from my writing), i am a little bit drunk rn.
Yet, i cannot end withotu the top 3 of shitty things he did, even tho i know basically noone is still reading this.
1) There was a day at which I, for whichever reason, felt horrible. I went home with the bus from uni and even all the noises people made just made me angry and scared. I dno whether this was a panic attack, but i felt threatened by everything and everyone that day, insanely stressed. I called him via skype and told him that. I asked him whether we could meet up and maybe go to a movie today or whatever, i just wanted to have him around me. He said 'sorry man, i just started going to the gym and it is bad when you do not keep up your gym schedule, especially early on'. He kept up that schedule for roughly a month and then went whenever he wanted.
2) He found some friends that I did not know and parties there once a week. I asked him whether i could come too (he kept telling me that it were many people there, so not a closed friendgroup) and he claimed that i couldn't because there was not enough space for one more person because it is already crowded. Always when he came from there in the night, completely drunk, he called to come over to my place so he had a place to sleep and some free food, telling me how amazing it was. Later i got close with the friends he partied with, and they asked me why i didn't come there, they all liked me, while my friend was still telling me they were picky about who can come. He actually just lied because he wanted to separate his free hotel and his party group.
3) He gave me a ticket to a comic book exhibition near my house for my birthday. We always gave each other pretty extensive or several birthday or christmas presents. I was happy about the present and he told me he'd go there too, which i assumed meant we will go together. When the exhibition started, i called him. He took up after a dozen times, telling me he would be there later with his roommate. I was angry and went there alone and i actually had a blast.
When he went there, i thought we could finally do some stuff together. He then ignored me, just hung with his roommate and went to some special things you had to sign up for before going. Basically saw him 30 minutes out of my 8 hours there. Later i found out he got all the cards for free because he worked in a comic book store. So the amount of money he put into my present was 0, probably because he didn't have anything and had to make a last minute thing up out of thin air. The amount of effort put into it was 0 too as he didn't want to waste any time on me.
Reading these last three, i guess i probably shouldnt go to his birthday. I am not petty enough to bath in the fact that I won, but i am also not bitch enough anymore by now to try to make amends. If anything, i go there to get the closure i was denied before, but then again: What should he do? There is nothing i want from him, it'd just make him sad and that would kinda make me a jerk because the events happened months or years ago.
Submitted January 03, 2019 at 10:04AM by Shionoro http://bit.ly/2BXf76i
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