So, I apologize in advance for any grammar mistakes since English is not my native tongue, and also for the possibly long story.
I came to know my wife when I was doing part of my PhD in the US through OkCupid. I was also getting out of a 5-year relationship with my girlfriend who had stayed in Brazil while I was abroad. We met and hit it off pretty instantly, she was everything I was looking for: a caring, loving and (seemingly) calm person. She was a single mom of a then 6 yo girl. If I can describe my wife I'd say she's the artistic type, very creative and sorta hippish (this will be relevant later on), and at that moment it was all I needed, since all my other relationships were with women from academia. We stayed together for a few months before I had to come back to Brazil to finish my PhD. During this period we were still very close and talking, but we didn't make a lot of plans or saw the relationship going anywhere since we were so far apart. A couple of months later, she said she'd come visit me and my country to see what it was like, and everything was almost great: something happened that hinted at what was about to come. I went to my therapy session in São Paulo and left my computer open, and, you can guess, she went through my stuff and saw some old messages of me talking to my ex (mostly about bureaucratic stuff, like the apartment and things we shared, but also some emotional things since the breakup was fairly recent). I have to mention that I was never in a relationship where jealousy played a big role, so it really scared me the way she reacted, calling me all sorts of names and punching very low. I didn't make a big deal out of the "going through my messages thing", and she calmed down. We still liked each other though, so we decided we should give the relationship a try.
She went back to the US and I stayed, but right after she got there she said she wanted to move to stay with me and bring her daughter over. She said she always wanted the experience of living abroad and thought it'd be a good thing for the child. I was unsure about it because my feelings for her were strong, but at the same time I was never a parent and didn't know how that would turn out. They came, and from the start we had issues: she didn't speak a word of Portuguese and started to feel very isolated. Remember I said she was sort of hippish? Well, I was trying to encourage her to get some kind of work to help me with the bills, but nothing other than frustration came out of there. She didn't want to work, she didn't help me with any money, and so we had to go to my hometown which was fairly cheaper than SP. But she hated it from the start, saying our house was crappy, there weren't many foreigners who she could talk to, there wasn't work... I don't blame her for having those problems and helped her with all my strength, but she didn't hesitate to throw all the resentment on top of me, saying it was my fault, my moves etc.
Then came another moment to make a hard decision: in order for them to stay here, we would have to get married. And so we did, even though my heart was not completely there, but I thought we might as well give it a shot. This was three years ago. We went through a rough patch financially without any help from her end, on the contrary, she wanted to travel and see the country while I was struggling to pay the bills. This started to create a huge resentment in me, especially because I could not even hint at the possibility of her getting a job outside of the art's world, she would get pissed off and say I am manipulating her, mansplaining, not enjoying life etc. I finally landed a postdoc here, which gave us some financial stability but at the same time tied me to my hometown, thus deepening her resent towards it.
In the meantime, my relationship with my stepdaughter flourished. We had a difficult start (since she has been with at least 3 father figures who were dumped out of her life in only 6 years), but we really became closer and closer and today she calls me dad without hesitation. I really really love her with all my heart, and the blood thing means nothing at all to me at this point. She is now 10 and an amazing kid, creative, sweet and loving.
Back to my wife: I had a band and a circle of friends, and with those things, I tried to get her involved with people, trying to make her social life a little bit easier. But she instead started to fight everything I did tooth and nail (band, friends, even my work) stating I needed to be a family man and that kind of life was over etc. And she did it, now I have barely anything, I don't go out, I don't drink, I stay home looking at a computer the whole day and this is driving me insane. I feel like she fought everything that gave me pleasure "outside" of family.
Throughout these years we had multiple fights like I never had before, with screaming, name-calling, physical abuse from both parts. Her basic claim is that I don't listen to her, I don't let her express her feelings and ideas... But, just as an example, these are the type of ideas I oppose: she wanted to take her daughter out of school for a semester so we could travel. This is illegal here in Brazil. So I feel like I am playing a sort of father figure to her all the time, saying stuff like "J., this is not reasonable..." and that is oppressive to her somehow. I feel like I can't say anything anymore, and our intimacy and love is pretty much all gone. I even tried to start conversations about breaking up, but even that turns into a s*** show, with her calling me a coward and telling me to man up.
I am now in a situation where I never thought I'd be, in which I can say I hate her, I hate her "relaxed" attitude towards life, I hate her privileged mindset, I hate her narcissism and paranoia, I hate how she treats her daughter as her property... and this is horrible, I loved this woman but I can't see myself going through this all my life.
On the other hand, I love my stepdaughter, and I know if we ever break up I'd probably never see her again in my life, unless she wants to when she's 18. I have zero rights over her, and they'd be moving to another country.
This is it, I hope someone can shed some light over this situation. Thanks, and sorry for the venting/rant.
**TL;DR;** : Maried a foreigner, things started well but are now terrible; love my stepdaughter but I'm afraid I'll never see her again if we break up.
Submitted January 22, 2019 at 03:06AM by tubainadrunk http://bit.ly/2FMUNZ0
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