Merry Christmas, and happy...

I want to send you a Christmas letter like the others... I really... really do. I do not believe I’m a strong enough person for that yet.

I want to thank you, this past year... well half of it at least... had been a really fun time for me. You along with the others had helped me though a very dark time this year. I surrounded myself with so much negativity because I just wanted to help people. Yet every thing I tried couldn’t shatter it all, it just kept growing more and more no matter how hard I tried. As much as I tried I couldn’t silence those thoughts. I just wanted to escape it, by any means. I began turning into a monster, yet... you were there to save me. Help me, when I needed help the most. I could never thank you enough for that, even if I had the next 70 years to do so.

I’ve never been especially close to my family, I basically don’t even have one. We don’t celebrate Christmas, not for a lack of presents... there’s just no need when you don’t have the family to make it something special. My friends, and especially you... you were the closest thing I’ve had to a family in over a decade now. The times we spent together were the closest I’ve felt to being at home in over a decade now too.

When I lost everything, when I dealt with addiction because it was all I could do to not be sad all the time, when I walked into the street on the Fourth of July in an attempt to end my life, and when I tried it again just over a month later... afterwards I kept thinking of you, and how you once called me a dear friend and I couldn’t escape the guilt those words created with in me. It was because of you that I began writing music again, doing art again, because you were so talented and I wanted to make things you could enjoy, I wanted to make things that bring people together. You’re the reason why I discovered what I want to do with life... and one of those steps is to become a stronger person so I can give you the apology you deserve...

Uhh, just one more thing... that day, 11 days later I mean... I used to hate that day. Because that was the final nail in the coffin, the day the family I was born into died. The day there was nothing left but despair in my eyes, the day I remember so clearly. However, when I think of you... I can’t, I can’t bring myself to hate that day. No matter how much it hurts, I just can’t... well, and so, until next time...

Merry Christmas, and Happy...

Submitted December 11, 2018 at 12:51PM by Jtsdtess https://ift.tt/2EaUTc9