I made a list of symptoms I never told my therapist about

I am a male, 19. I've had panic attacks since 12 and anxiety for as long as I remember. I was in CBT for a year between 17 and 18. I made this list of symptoms I've noticed, most of them I've had throughout my teens. Idk what sort of response I want but I wrote it all out so might as well post it

Things I was treated for: ○Anxiety (diagnosed GAD) ○Panic attacks - actually have had only one or two past six months after one year of therapy which ended this summer. I used to have them weekly ○Depression

Symptoms I didn't tell my therapist about: ●Obsessive periods (can last a day to a few weeks - end abruptly, usually with anxiety or "falling into" depression, usually about religons, ideologies, historical periods or fashion/music styles) ●Mood swings - can go from top to bottom in less than a day ●Euphoria ●Hypochondria - recently went to the doctor b/c I thought I had a heart problem, they found nothing wrong. I enjoy washing my hands (not in an OCD way tho) ●Irritability - lashing out at brother, mostly ●Severe social anxiety - mostly with strangers (like I'll avoid going to the barber shop, eventually force myself to do it) ●Time/memory weirdness (?) It feels like time moves very fast but I have a hard time remembering my days and when I think back more than a week it feels like very long ago ●"Emotional self-harm" - sometimes I'll intentionally seek out things, mostly online, I know will trigger my anxiety. I've also hit/pinched w nails myself a few times but not alot. ●Fascination with suicide - I have a fondness for art, music and movies depicting suicide. I also enjoy reading about how for example ancient romans and japanese saw suicide as virtuous. I also enjoy jokes about suicide. ●Recently questioning gender/sexuality, but not sure if just obsessive period. About a month ago became obsessed with a certain trans youtuber, watched her videos alot for ca 3 weeks. Ended with me watching a bunch of transphobic content and having a panic attack. Now think I might be bi, went on a tinder date w guy (didn't go too well). Watched gay movies/shows. During the past few weeks I've also been discovering so much new music, I think I made a playlist with over 200 songs or so. I've actually felt really good, like I'm reinventing myself and like I'm coming out of a depression. I'm going to be the bi guy who likes this new hiphop and has some nice boyfriend. This morning I went up and tried making my own pickles, dancing around in the kitchen, watching naruto like I used to when I was a happy 10 year old. But now the same day I feel like shit, lying awake writing this thinking about making myself throw up so I can pretend to be sick tomorrow. Lol

Submitted December 15, 2018 at 08:51AM by heyidkthrowaway https://ift.tt/2CfVZBV