12/19/18

A very long day but in retrospect was very bland.

Woke up early to cut my bangs. Never cut ‘em this short before. I’m not sure I like it or not. I enjoy the freedom but I feel a bit self conscious about them being so short.

Wore my green Rocky Mountain T-shirt and the better fitting black jeans with my sandals. Felt pretty good looking today with my new haircut.

I posted on my story asking for book recommendations for some winter break reading.

Did the usual morning routine, except this time, Justin, the weird muscly sophomore with a limited sensibility of social cues came over and sat down in front of me. I accidentally made eye contact with him and I guess he took that as an invite to sit with me. So much for being sad and depressed about my dead mom in front of F.

I made as polite conversation as I could. He came to art club meetings occasionally so I was particularly nice. He has no talent but he has a drive unparalleled to me.

I left to go to take my algebra final. F posted something in the art portfolio chat about our critiques for tomorrow.

The algebra final sucked big time. I ended up getting a 53% on it. I barely kept my C with a 69.80% in the class. Glad that craps over with.

Went to our last creative writing class of the year. I’m really sad, although I had a bitter-sweet relationship with that class. We had snacks and we had a good ole time writing. I wrote compliments to Molly and Emery they weren’t very good but I tried. At the end I started getting really sad. I love being in Mrs. A’s room. Guess I’ll actually have to start going to FRLNCR meetings now. I got three amazing compliment notes, one from ray, one from Mrs. A, and I forget the other one. Rays was really beautiful and funny and I didn’t know she thought that way about me. I guess people are all good in the heart, just sometimes appearances and behaviors paint a more wild and rude picture. Mrs. A suggested cadet teaching (kind of) to me and Lucia. We both got super excited about the idea of being cadet teachers next year. I’m really going to miss that class and I’m thankful for how much more in touch I’ve become with my writing.

(Somewhere around 11:30, F replied to my story inquiring about books and suggested, “Even cowgirls get the blues, and jitterbug perfume.”)

Skipped lunch. Wasn’t very hungry after snacks and I certainly wasn’t going to deal with the hell that is 1st lunch. Snuck into Mrs. H’s room and stole her iPad Pro to work on my social commentary art project. She had a sub that hour and was very confused when I got up and left when 1st lunch was over.

I worked on my drawing on the iPad all of 4th hour review. It looks pretty damn good and I’m happy with it.

Ditto 5th hour review, I just worked on my drawing and printed out a few test versions.

After school was over I went down to F’s room to ask for help making a screen-print. I stumbled over my words when asking him if he’d help me make a screen. Liza and that kid Justin was there for a majority of the time after school. He helped me right away and I felt nervous showing him my drawing. He didn’t say anything, but he usually does that. Doesn’t questions things, just silently judges.

It was nice just being in the room with him. Talking to him, even if we weren’t alone. I was kind of glad we weren’t alone too. We talked a bit about college and what Ellie thought of it with Liza. F started going on about the college experience and how great living in a dorm/apartment on campus is and how nice it is to be so close to your studio space. I completely, 100% agreed, but I just had to say, “But it’s a lot cheaper to live at home.” I feel so guilty having all these financial restrictions. I don’t think he had those growing up, I bet his parents are pretty loaded— or he married rich.

I feel awkward if I’m not super charismatic me, or super sad and depressed me around him. I hate the in between.

The first time we printed the screen, it didn’t work and we couldn’t figure out why. I got him to cut me a new piece of screen so we could try again, and it worked. He was feeding it in the wrong way. He said we’re getting professional screen printing equipment for next semester. I’m excited, the art rooms going to look like a sweatshop pretty soon.

I had some problems printing my screen. But I got to work with him one on one doing it. He helped tape up one side while I taped the other, he held down the screen when I would pull the ink through. We were a good team.

I feel this weird tension though. I feel like he wants to kind of be my friend? If that’s even the right word. More like favorite student (if that’s not too self centered of me to say?) I don’t know... But I feel like there’s this awkwardness too. It’s hard to explain, I’m definitely just overthinking things.

I left and thanked him for all the help, I really meant it. I took down my things from the display case so I could photograph them tonight. On his way out he said bye. He said he was going to look at Christmas lights tonight.

I went and sat in the freezing cold in my normal spot and he waved bye. He’s just the best person ever. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through break without him and my friends when I can’t even make it through the weekend without breaking down and crying/cutting myself like the little emo child I am.

I went to the 5$ store with dad to get Z some Christmas presents right after school. I got her some nail polish, some makeup wipes, and some pocky sticks.

I got home, heated up some brisket, wrapped her presents, looked at the presents already under the tree. I have 2 and Z has like 5. When L got home I convinced her to take me to the library after dinner.

We did. I was able to get “Even cowgirls get the blues” and in a panic because none of the other suggested books were available, “on the road.”

I got home, made some hot chocolate and set it in my room so I could take a piss real quick and I noticed F was online on insta. I wiped and got back to my room faster than a rabbit and posted to my story a thank you for everyone who suggested the books. By the time I’d posted it, F went offline and I deleted the post before anyone saw and re-wrote it all pretty and aesthetically tagging F and Milla and Alex and Claire.

F replied, “Even Cowgirls Get the Blues blew my mind when I first read it. I was probably 19. It’s about a bunch of women but it still made me feel empowered and inspired. Tom Robbins is awesome. Skinny Legs And All is his other one I love. Happy reading.”

And I said “Thank You!!”

He said, “My pleasure.”

So around two hours ago I started reading. I really like the book so far and I can’t wait to see where it takes me. I have a half mind to finish half the book tonight, or even the whole. But even I don’t have that patience anymore.

I really miss reading. It had such a positive impact on my life as a kid. I remember the excitement books brought me. I miss being able to read an 800 page Harry Potter book in one day.

I haven’t read anything on my own in a long time. I don’t know if this counts as “on my own” considering I’m really only doing it to please F, but I’m glad I am. It’s a good book.

Took me almost an hour to write this because I was so detailed and got distracted a few dozen different times. I’m going to read more of the book now, or maybe hop in the shower to wash off the grossness. Anyways, goodnight dumbass reddit diary.

Submitted December 20, 2018 at 06:25AM by mangoseeed https://ift.tt/2Gu3GbG