Something's very wrong

I've been trying to do everything right. Process of elimination. Being more structured in schedule, making sure I eat a decent protein rich breakfast, spend time with family, try to talk to friends. Nothing's really helped. I have no interest in the things I used to care about. Creating art, finding love, playing with little siblings, reading, learning about psychology, going for walks in the woods, making money, accumulating things, playing with animals. I can't think. I go in circles trying to figure out what to do and what's wrong and why. Why do people fade so fast from memory? They look 2D when I just saw them yesterday. Their voices are faint echoes in a dark cave. Are they even real? Am I? I know pain is real, that's why I have to act as though everything is even if I'm not sure.

I don't like where I am but I don't like any place else either. I can't do anything without my thoughts torturing me about everything I supposedly did wrong. But if I do nothing it won't ever end. I want to tear books apart and pictures off the walls. I want to pull my hair out and scratch my face. I want to tear my skin open and watch my life seep out. But I won't. It wouldn't accomplish anything. It would only leave behind pain and God knows there's already enough of that to go around. Besides my body is not mine, it was given to me by my creator. To damage it would be like hurting someone else.

I try to keep my room clean, it's one thing I can control. One thing I can do that doesn't feel completely pointless. But I can't do more, the house is too much. I tried once. I cleaned for two days and every time I started one thing I noticed three more that needed doing. I was repremanded for putting someone else's things where they were supposed to go. Annother thing I thought I could control, taken from me. I cried on the bathroom floor, pulling at my hair, digging my nails into my legs, but not enough to do real damage. Can't do real damage, remember? I was yelled at for crying on the floor. "You're overreacting! You won't feel like this later! Quit it!" I still feel like that. When the scolder left I tried to make myself throw up. Anything to get the feeling out. Didn't help.

Time doesn't pass and I don't exist to people. I could say anything and nothing would change. I've tried this, to an extent. I guess mostly with newer friends. They can get out right away if they want and be fine, but older friends might get hurt. I still try with them sometimes. To get them to question me. They don't. My Great Great Great Grandpa killed himself in an insane asylum, that's on my Grandma's side. She was the only normal one of her siblings, the others have mental illnesses. She has Huntington's. There's a 50% chance my parent has it and if they do a 50% chance for me and each of my siblings. Maybe that's what's wrong with me, or maybe it's something else, but the odds are certainly not in my favor. I can't see any future. My head hurts, it feels like my chest is being crushed, and I'm nauseas. I wish I would die, but how ashamed I would be at the throne of God. How ashamed I am.

Submitted November 18, 2018 at 05:50AM by Dostoyevsky-Jung https://ift.tt/2QWRKAk