My life is a mess, and the only things that give me hope make me more of a mess in turn. I'm having a lot trouble arranging and comprehending my thoughts and feelings so I thought the best thing would be to just get it off my chest and get a little perspective. If you're reading strap in, it's kind of a long one.
So I'll start with the biggest issue in my life. I'm 21 years old now, but 4 years ago when I was 17 I had a extremely severe and traumatic accident that left me with CRPS, a nerve disorder which causes me to be in constant pain every day. I never have a break from pain, and a quick scroll through my user profile will give you a good idea of how much I suffer and how destructive my condition can be. I have a lot of problems with manic depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety because of my limited lifestyle and health issues. Before this I was a healthy, outgoing, energetic and fully athletic person. Now I'm a depressed, lonely, sad man who can't partake in any of the things that used to give my life meaning.
Long distance running, parkour, film making, partying, hiking... I could go on forever. All gone. I was creative, outgoing and had/still kinda have huge ambition. I want to travel the world, make friends, live my dreams, and I've never been shy about chasing these goals. But they seem so much less possible now. Some days (like today) I can barely even get out of bed to have a shower and make myself some breakfast let alone follow my passions. The pain I feel when I try to exercise or workout turns me into even more of a wreck, for sometimes weeks at a time. I also love creating electronic music and being involved in the community, but my life experience is so limited now that I have little to no inspiration when trying to write.
I'm living with my parents right now, unemployed and on welfare. My dad is basically paralyzed from the waist down and cannot leave the sofa. He is a complete hermit, very overweight and unhealthy as well as on more than 6 types of medication. He has no interests in life other than watching TV. He is completely dependent on me and my mother to look after him, and when my mother is in work (she works in a school, so, a lot) I have to take care of the house, which I'm okay with but is very difficult for me. My mother tries to help me but her hands are always so full that she never has time to do simple things for me when I'm in a lot of pain, like make food for me or walk the dog. So I'm basically 100% independent other than money and lodging, but can't move or escape out of fear of not being there for my family when they need me. My mother is not well either, being on antidepressants and getting to a decent age, she struggles with a lot of problems like anxiety.
Also, I have no money. I've tried searching for jobs, and even trying to find support groups that help disabled people find jobs, but I can't find anything. I've been rejected, referred, doubted, told to put in more effort, pretty much everything. This is alongside doctor visits, contemplating surgery, trying to have a social life, trying to focus on my art, etc. I'm just so stuck. Nobody cares. Nobody helps. I'm just stuck in this void of loneliness and helplessness trying to focus on minute to minute just to get my incredibly stressed mind out of suicidal ideation. Fuck man, all I want is to be free to do the things I want to do as a 21 year old, and I can't do any of them.
This next part is where it gets even weirder. Tighten that strap again lol.
So, I had a girlfriend for 4 years who I loved dearly, but we broke up 2 years ago. She couldn't handle my issues and drastic change of lifestyle and personality due to my injury and left, I can't blame her though, she was also dealing with her own problems with depression. Anyway, I'm pretty much completely over her now, but I've ended up being a complete sucker and falling for someone, hard. The big problem is, I don't even know this person. They are literally just someone who makes vlogs and videos on the internet. They live on the other side of planet, and probably have no idea I exist.
There was something inside me that said this girl was so special the second I saw her. I dismissed the feelings as just a childish attraction, like how you can lust after a fictional character in a movie. But after a year or so of watching her videos, I realized how integral she has been to my life and growth. I've watched her develop as a person and go through hardships, listened to her talk about her problems and how she feels, and it's given me something to hold on to, even if most people wouldn't consider it to be 'real' for a second. She has literally been a beacon of hope for me, when I'm in my darkest moments. When the pain is so much that all I can think about is ending it, I pull up one of her videos and I'm grinning and laughing like a stupid child within seconds. Everything she says resonates with me on an incredibly spiritual level and just thinking about her gives me the craziest butterflies. I feel like I want to know her, like really know her. She's one of the only things in my world that makes me push through. I want to know her insecurities, her struggles, her passions. Her soul is one of the most beautfiul I've ever seen, enough to brighten up my very worst days.
It really is a double edged sword though, because all it takes a quick change of perception for me to start feeling like an absolute fucking loser. I've fallen helplessly in love with a girl on a laptop screen, who lives worlds away and would most likely not be interested in me at all. I'm a broken human who's completely enamored with something that has no actual practical benefit to my life. In fact it's tearing me down, I feel like it's one of the final nails in the coffin to convince me I've finally lost my mind. I watch every video she uploads and it kills me every time knowing what a fucked up situation I've got myself into. I wish I could get my mind off her, and I've tried, but man I fucked up big time. I've never felt like this about a girl before.
So yeah. That's where I am. I'm not sure if advice would suffice lol, I'm open to it though. This was just a huge vent that I needed to get out and feel a little better for doing so. Anybody who can relate or wants to join my self pity party is very welcome lmao
Submitted November 19, 2018 at 01:30PM by SlothFaceThing https://ift.tt/2OO6wr6
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