I was doing totally fine, better than fine really, I was ecstatic, it seemed like everything was working, I was making mental progress, I was understanding things, I was moving forward with the depression, I was happy for the first time in a while, then it came. This morning something snapped. I all the sudden got a HUGE urge, that I HAD to relapse, I just had to. It wasn't even a desire for release or to watch porn, I genuinely didn't want either, but it was like my brain was just saying "it's been a while, we need to relapse or we'll die!" Seriously that's what it felt like. I tried writing for a while to understand the urge and what my body really wanted. I tried doing some mind games, I talked with people here, I sued the emergency button, I read some church articles, I read a book, I did a bunch of art, I spent time outside, I cleaned my room from top to bottom. NOTHING was helping. Finally I prayed, and I genuinely thought that was helping, the urge vanished almost completely and I thought things were really going to improve, I has happy again. But about an hour later everything came back again, but even stronger. At this point I was just desperate to masturbate. I wanted porn, but knew it wasn't necessary and it would just mess me up mentally so I stayed clear of it. I finally masturbated. And now I'm just angry, disappointed, hating myself, I feel stupid, I am frustrated, I'm upset I already ruined NNN(even thought it's just a date on a calendar, I know). I'm angry that I fought tooth and nail, I literally did EVERYTHING I could, there was not a single thing I could have done more, and yet I still relapsed. My absolute all still isn't enough. Why can't I be enough?...What's wrong with me?
I'm just so upset with myself. I can't believe I ruined everything and blew it so badly. I know I should be focusing on the positives and seeing my wins, I just can't, the losses are too much.
Submitted November 02, 2018 at 03:59AM by PMOFreeForever https://ift.tt/2SEyoko
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