(This is throwaway account for obvious reasons, will not be looking back over this, so sorry if it doesn’t make much sense and there are spelling errors.)
I don’t know how to really start this. It’s not that I’m in a bad situation, it’s not that I’m famished, overweight, greedy, or poor, I just feel like most of the time I’m not a good kid.
I guess the best way to start this is that I’m 14, 135-140lbs (haven’t checked in awhile, but my waist size dropped, so idrk, ~5’8”-5’10”, turned 14 in Oct. I live in Utah, nice town, pretty small, extremely competitive. I play sports, I’m super into computer hardware, I love coding and game making, just doing art for one of the games I might publish. I play violin, I’m quite good at it, I’m the concert master for my orchestra. I ski, bike, and do trampolines (Olympic style, I’m not good enough for the Olympics). I have a mouth on me, and usually I don’t talk much until I know someone well, then you can’t SMTFU.
This started awhile back, I was very depressed in 6th grade, we had just moved, and I had just hit puberty (oh no), I missed all my friends back home, felt unwelcome, and unwanted. My grades started slipping, I started contemplating suicide, it was a dark time. My family noticed, and the one thing that has stuck with me to this day is that my sister said that “I was a part of her that she never wanted to lose”. I got a therapist, he’s great, but not super important to this story. If this made no sense I’m sorry. I recovered from depression, but in that dark time, I started masterbating(? Idk how to spell). It got worse and worse to the point where I’m 7th grade I basically couldn’t go a day without it, something stressful happened, boom, beat it, something good, celebratory wank, etc. It was, and still is a drug to me, idk how to stop, I’ve tried, but my horniness always gets the best of me. So; part one, I need advice on how to stop, I’ve tried going on restrict adult content mode, but it never stops me, nothing I do stops me, and I hate it.
Second, I have a body image problem, every time I look at myself I want to change something, this is going to sound odd, but my weight, it’s not that I’m unhappy with it, but I’ve been called fat many times, and it pisses me off every time, I do, however, have a problem with how I look, I’m not dashing by any means, my hair is either sticking straight up or stringy and hanging over my eyes, I’ve been told I look like a pedophile or a 40 year old man. I have eyes that are cool though, so that’s an upside, the best way to describe them is that in different lights they can either look gray/grey, blue, or green. Usually from farther they look grey and from closer they are blue. I’ve quit biting my nails, and I’ve quit picking my nose (ugh, I hated that habit), but now I’m in the horny part, porn, masterbation, getting hard at random times, and wanting to have sex. I don’t have time to go to the gym though, as my school starts at 7:30, meaning I have to be on the bus at 6:52, and I’m not good at waking up, I legit have to haul ass to get to the bus usually, and I can’t go after school because I am both tired and put jr high assigns about 4-5 hours of homework a night.
School is the low of my every day. I wake up, sprint around the house to get my shit together, and haul ass out to the bus, it’s usually ~-20 to -35 degrees Fahrenheit in the mornings during the winter. It’s a 5 min walk to the bus, 4 min run with a 17lb bag on your back (I weighed it, not even kidding), on icy roads, in the pitch black. Most of my teachers do not to well no offense to them. My math teacher though is absolute hell, some friends of mine and I have a joke that he smokes crack, and honestly, it might not be far from the truth. My English teacher is ok, she liked my sister, and I’m a good student (lowest gpa ever was 3.95), my science teacher is great, he’s the best, my French teacher is awful at teaching, she speaks fluent French even though we are in French I and most of us have no idea WTF is going on. My orchestra teacher is pretty cool, my social studies teacher does not like me or the girl that sits next to me, but loves the worst of the three of us, a friend who sits across from the girl (he has a worse mouth than me, makes rape jokes, gay jokes, racist jokes, but he’s actually pretty nice if you can get past the vulgarity). My PE teacher is nice, but I’ll come back to that class, and social studies for that matter. And my digital literacy teacher is pretty cool, but the class is pretty useless to me as I spend like 90% of my time coding and tinkering with PCs. I take 4 of those classes per day for a fun 1 hour 30 minute schedule with 6 min passing periods and 30 mins for lunch. Rinse and repeat, every day. Finally we come home, it takes a good probably 45 minutes to get home, so that’s fun 😒. Don’t even get me started on the homework, my math teacher assigns a shit ton of homework and doesn’t explain it at all. So I spend a good 2 hours trying to do homework (I don’t have good study habits, it makes me feel even more self conscious).
Final two things. I’m very self conscious, I’m worried about the smallest of flaws, and when someone points them out I just have to laugh like it’s a joke. The worst is when someone calls out my self consciousness, like hey Ice, don’t be so self conscious. A friend of mine always says dumb shit and it pisses me off, but 1: I can’t just leave him because that would make me a bad friend, and 2: his mom passed away 2 years ago, and I don’t want to leave him to deal with something like that on his own. But every time I feel self conscious about something he never fails to point it out. I know I’ve gotten super off topic, but at this point this is just a rant.
Final thing, I said I would get back to PE, there’s this girl I like, her name is Jenny for this story. I have extreme high reason to believe she likes me too, like my mom and sister went to a BBQ where her best friends mom was, and was said something along the lines of “oh Ice, I know that kid. My daughter’s best friend likes him” (got sold out by your best friends mom, sorry Jenny). I honestly have no clue why she likes me, everything I do makes me feel so bad about myself, I make decisions and regret them 15 seconds later, like literally today, she dropped her binder, she didn’t see me, and I didn’t know if I was supposed to go right up to her, and be like ‘here, here’s your stuff back you dropped, this ain’t creepy at all’ or if I should just walk away, I chose the latter. I walked down the hall and immediately regretted it. But I couldn’t go back, so I just kinda awkwardly powerwalked away without saying anything. I really like this girl, and would like to be with her, but I have no idea how to talk to her, I can’t just sit down with her at lunch as her and her best friend don’t sit at tables, I guess I’m just waiting, and that makes me feel even worse. I’m way too good at getting friend zoned, I hate it, but I’m great at it. So I guess I’m worried she won’t think I’m everything she thinks I am.
If anyone has advice on any of the three issues (Bad puberty habits, self consciousness, or what I should do about the girl), please tell me, I probably won’t respond, but any help appreciated. Please don’t say that every kid experiences these same issues because that doesn’t get us anywhere.
PS, super low chance, but Tegan, if you are reading this, I think you’re pretty cool too. ❤️
Submitted November 06, 2018 at 07:49AM by Icy-Alaska https://ift.tt/2F4Y4nJ
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