About a week ago my Gf left abruptly to her parent's place and told me she needed space to concentrate for her upcoming exam. When she left in the morning I was in bed but awake and didn't sense anything off, we said our goodbyes as usual, and I told her I love her which she reciprocated in her usual manner. During this semester her uni commitments meant she usually has to spend upwards of 9-10 hours per day to study, do assignments and fulfill her extra-curricular obligations. I only received a text in the evening of that day about her staying over at her parents' , up to that point I thought she would be back at our place as usual during the late night, and I didn't notice her packing any belongings (she did in fact take all her toiletries and some clothes). At this moment my gut told me something was wrong, so I texted her is there anything I can do to take some load off her stress - maybe bring her some food or drop off a care package. She said no, she just really needed time to concentrate on her exams. I wasn't doing anything on the weekends anyway, I could just drop off the food and leave. The entire weekend I was at home suffering from panic attacks and anxiety but I thought I was overreacting, so I didn't act up on it. She might be genuinely stressed and at a critical moment of her semester she probably decided she doesn't need me around as a distraction. It also helps that our place is a good 25-30 mins drive in good traffic to uni, and her mum's place takes 10-15 minutes at most. It made sense. So I rode my shitty feelings out and waited for her to be back after her exam that takes place after the weekend. During this period I tried not to bother her with too much texting but her replies were very brief and short, almost business-like. There was definitely a problem as she never acted like this before any of her previous exam seasons - I had no idea she would be coming back after her exam and then outright break up with me, I thought she would mention that something wasn't working and we would have to figure it out and work through it. We had issues, but I'll get to that.
We had a two hour conversation after she broke up with me, where both of us cried for the first 15 minutes as It got quite emotional. I thought we had a beautiful thing going and we were just going through a rough/busy/transitioning phase. There is a lot here and I would need to go into detail so you can get the whole story from my perspective.
She voiced out her doubts and concerns regarding our relationship, and she saw no other way to fix it other than being by herself and fully dedicating herself to her study and future career prospects. Being in a relationship with me would jeopardize that future, as her university commitments continue to increase she will no longer have the time to go out for dinner or dates like we used to, and every time I demand some "us" time It only puts her under more stress and she feels guilty that she cannot deliver, leading to more stress. She wants to move back to her parent's place which is closer to uni, then eventually move out on her own once she gets her financials sorted. For the most of this semester I have been paying the majority of the rent and housing expenses because at the start of the semester she had to stop working due to time constraints. We also took up a joint lease a month ago to a new place because my landlord had to evict us because he sold his house. This is also illegal, as the law states that you need to give 60 days notice (this is another story for a different time). I was given three weeks to find a new place. Within a week I found a decent room in a shared unit not far away from our current address and then it seemed like everything would be okay. I paid for the bond and a month of rent to secure the place, and I had some emergency savings so that wasn't' a problem.
Leading up to this there were a few events that happened in my life that was out of my control which affected our living arrangements, and also our relationship over time.
A couple of months ago I was let go from my job (forced to resign, constructive dismissal - which is illegal) due to the CEO of the company being unhappy with my performance and attendance issues. I was working as a warehouse assistant and then got promoted to warranty officer and tech support for a computer parts company. The law in this country states that in order to fire someone you need to give them a formal warning, instead i was taken into a room by my manager who reluctantly told me the CEO insisted that I resign. After a week of deliberating whether or not to take legal action I put in my 2 weeks, and I worked really hard and clocked in on time to prove a point. Some of my colleagues were distraught and demoralized that I was let go as I was quite good at my job and well-liked by everyone. During the time in my role I never hesitated to take up extra responsibilities, even staying after I clocked out to make sure my job was done. Because I was on a temporary visa I was only legally allowed to work a maximum for 20 hours a week sometimes that cannot be helped - plus staying half an hour or so extra helped me avoid traffic in the afternoon.
About a month before this happened I learned that my brother (21M) whom was living back in my home country was suffering from what I suspect as bipolar disorder, resulting in him spending exorbitant amounts of money from my family and also some extremely risky behavior like drugs and alcoholism. It is extremely out character for him as he used to be a very stable individual whom everyone thought had a bright future. He never did well in school but he was hard-working, intelligent and always took the initiative. When I was around that age I was not even half the man he is. This wasn't a big deal as all we had to do was cancel his credit card so he can no longer spend money on drugs and alcohol, and the rest of my family staged in intervention. Eventually he came to his senses and he is now building himself back up (this is now). During this period I found it difficult to concentrate during work and I was constantly calling back home because I was concerned for his well-being. We were very close together, and there is a lot of death my in family - my father died abruptly from a heart attack 10 years ago while I studying overseas which affected me a great deal. I was young, rebellious and we weren't on the best terms. I never had a chance to tell him that I loved him before he died. I also have an older brother that died in a car crash in a different country where he was studying when he was 19 - I was only 10 years old at the time. I only have a fleeting memory of him, and he was a loving brother. My younger brother has never met him. My brother (21M), my mum (60F) and my younger sister (29F) is the only direct family I have left, and I'm not close with her as she has been living in another different country for the past 10 years pursuing an Accounting career.
Around the same time my mother was hospitalized for kidney failure, she was admitted to the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) in critical condition. Because she was also suffering from type 2 diabetes it only made her condition worse. I requested for 10 days off work and arrange a flight to see my family. My Gf (now ex) also agreed to come with me even though she was halfway during her semester. Due to the fact that it was an emergency she agreed to compromise and said she could still study online while we were over dealing with this. I really appreciated that she did and it would really difficult for me to deal with it alone. I didn't press the issue, she was willing to do it for me. Plus, she gets to meet my family for the first time. What I thought was a massive crisis trip actually turned out quite well as my mum was discharged from the hospital within 4 days of my arrival and is now receiving regular dialysis treatments. She's frail and is now making an excellent recovery although she would need dialysis for the rest of her life. We even managed to explore my hometown for a few days and meet my friends while we were there and we genuinely did have a good time. If it wasn't during her semester and my job we would have definitely planned to stay for longer. She enjoyed the food, the people, relaxed vibe and the weather which was a stark contrast back home (where we live) - where she was always under tremendous amounts of pressure studying in university. She expressed a desired to return and we both agreed we needed to take this trip.
When we returned home we went back to our usual routine of her studying and me working. When we were evicted from our place and I had to resign is where IMO the relationship took a turn for the worse. Whatever issues that we had from before just got worse, and the surrounding circumstances made it difficult to resolve. I suppose for her it came to a breaking point and she had to end it, a big reason with it being she no longer had the energy to deal with it and she did mention it to me while breaking up that her love for me was fading although she still did care about me very much.
For the past 6 months or so she her libido took a massive nosedive, resulting in us barely having sex. If I recall for the last 2-3 months we only had sex twice. Early on during the relationship at least for the first 10 months or so we were having sex extremely regularly even up to twice a day - she ticked all the boxes in what I ever wanted in a sexual partner. She had an amazing body - we are both relatively fit despite our busy schedules we still managed to find time for the gym. I also train a number of different martial arts such as boxing, muay thai and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu which I now consider it my lifelong passion. I received two stripes on my white belt last week (right before the breakup!) and competed in an amateur competition in August in year. Over time her interest in the gym tapered off due to her commitments : despite that she did not let herself go, she had an amazing metabolism which is a trait that we both share.
The lack of sex really started to bother me and it also started to affect my self esteem. Masturbating multiple times daily became routine, and I can say right now I am definitely addicted to porn. It made me extremely depressed because it reminded me of those lonely nights when I was single. I'm not into the hookup culture and having nights out socializing is not for me - so far I only had 3 sexual partners (including her) and I was a virgin until the age of 27. I have always been very forthcoming about my sexual history to all my previous partners and they all agree that my lack of experience was definitely not an issue. My gf (now ex) is a lot more experienced than I am but she commented compared to her previous partners I am well-endowed and was very pleased to discover that I was up for sex multiple times a day and could make her climax quite a few times before I needed to ejaculate myself. Again, all my previous partners also hold the same opinion. Based on this I thought we were sexually compatible and never did I expect we would have a problem in this area.
We had a few brief discussions in the past about recent lack of sex in the relationship but it appears that her anti depressants may be causing it. She made doctor's appointments to resolve this to switch to another medication, and the doctor also recommended that she take blood tests to determine if the issue lies elsewhere. Aside from having a very low sex drive she was always fatigued and tired, and still wouldn't be fully rested even when she had 10 hours of sleep a day. I suggested that the issue may be thyroid-related, and once the blood test results came back there was some evidence of a thyroid-related issue. I was extremely relieved and I thought a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. We would finally find a solution to the problem and we can be intimate again. I was beginning to feel extremely frustrated from dealing with being rejected daily, and I didn't want to add to her stress levels so at one point I stopped asking - maybe every few days to once a week with the expectation of being turned down. In retrospect, her lack of desire definitely contributed in her love for me fading as now my sexual needs adds another stress factor in her life.
Furthermore, the lack of time she had for the relationship meant It became like a roommate living arrangement, where while she was away I would show my love by trying to fulfill household chores such as laundry, cooking lunch and dinner, and I paid the rent and necessary bills out of my savings. At this time I was unemployed, so I thought this would be a good use of my time. bShe would come home late at night, where usually we would watch Netflix together before she falls asleep. Sometimes she would spend a few hours doing her nails which I thought was pretty cute, but also necessary because I accepted that is her way to de-stressing herself. I have made a few remarks about the fact if she had 4 hours at night to do her nails maybe we could go out for a movie together or get intimate but I always expected to be turned down. I spent my evenings at the gym, which I felt helped tremendously the frustrations in our sex life. I thought once the exams were over it would get better once we were able to spend more time with each other.
I did not immediately seek for employment because we were planning to go overseas for a trip for three weeks like we agreed and that was only a few weeks away. Furthermore, my temporary visa runs out in a little more than a week and I thought we agreed that she would sponsor me for a de-facto partnership visa which would allow me to stay in the country. We had these discussions months in advance and I checked in quite regularly to still see if we were on the same page. If I was no longer on a temporary visa there would be more full-time job opportunities and I would be happy to support her while she pursues her university studies. She said marriage was too soon quite early on and I respected that, because marriage is a mutual lifelong commitment and I did not want to just marry so I can stay, I wanted to marry her because I love her. Once she is done with her studies then we could discuss the prospect of engagement or marriage. I did not suspect any signs of her wanting to change her mind up to the point where she broke up with me, although I did sense her start to withdraw.. I attributed this to her being stressed in general, so I thought bearing most of the household responsibilities would make up for it. After all, it's just a matter of time and exams can be really stressful.
The week that we were supposed to start submitting the documents is when she broke up with me, and said she no longer wanted to be with me. She said when I told her that we were going to need to start the process she freaked out and she can't be in this relationship any more. I was devastated, in that moment I felt my world crashing down upon me. This meant that I had 10 days to sell and pack-up my belongings, break the joint lease that we just signed a month ago and also sell my car. To say that i was distraught would be an understatement.
She mentioned that she can't be the partner that I needed her to be, she doesn't have enough time like early in the relationship and cannot afford to risk her future for the sake of being together. Also, her love was fading and she was no longer sure she wanted to be my partner therefore she cannot go through with it, so she doesn't want to waste my time. She wanted to live independently and not need to rely on anyone so she can fully dedicate herself to her future career prospects, and she wasn't happy with the new place we had due to the distance she has to drive back to and from university (20-30 mins in good traffic, maybe 40-50 minutes with rush hour traffic). She was done and her mind was made up.
She commented about how I did not have any future goals for myself and how I was just drifting along without concrete plans for the future. We talked about this as my temporary visa doesn't really allow for long-term career opportunities, and that would immediately change once we started the process for the partnership visa. I had just talked to a friend about an Accounting position (I have a Master's degree in Accounting) in his family's accounting firm and he agreed to get me an interview, though I did not mention this because unless I obtain the visa I didn't to want to make my friend any promises - it was just a list of many opportunities that I could have. I didn't disagree with her when she told me her had dreams and aspirations and our relationship as it stands just puts that at risk. She simply couldn't handle any more stress. I didn't argue, because at the moment I knew even though she appreciated the work I put in that wasn't a factor in her decision. It killed me because I spent all my energy towards that, and my self esteem definitely took another blow. I know she had a point, as I was also frustrated about where I was in life but I thought we could grow together. I wanted her to be successful, but most of all I also wanted her to be happy.
She's almost completely moved out, and I worked out a deal with my landlord and they were very understanding. When she comes over in person to pick her stuff up It felt like we were old friends, and I don't have any hard feelings for what she did although I wished she could have mentioned it sooner that she was unhappy instead of dropping crumbs. She agreed to take care of some of my things, and I can always come back in the future for them.
I have resigned myself to leaving the country for good back to my family, and my flight is leaving in 5 days. I have secured an interview for a position in an international banking corporation as an investment manager , which a nice salary, benefits and opportunity for promotion. The average starting pay for that position is about $70,000 US dollars per year, and I will be mentored by one of my close friends (29M) who has been with the bank for 5 years and is now making upwards of $200,000 US dollars per year as a senior member. He is looking to leave his position and is effectively grooming me to eventually take his job.
I'm heartbroken to leave the country where in which it's culture is a huge part of my personal identity and is where is spent most of my adult life. I am effectively a foreigner back home, though it can be a plus in my upcoming career. I want to concentrate on building my own career and be successful in my own right, rather than drifting around overseas on a temporary visa just barely getting by. I am from an upper-middle class family and we also have a successful family business and investments, plus the fact that I will be due a bulk of the inheritance - which is why my family was always puzzled why I never wanted to come back home.
I want to take this setback to make myself a better person, because deep down I know I will never have a lasting and meaningful relationship with a partner that meets my standards unless I get my own life in order. She is a wonderful person and we have so much in common. One thing that would always stick with me is that we have almost the same handwriting, even compared side by side which is awesome and maybe the universe is giving me a sign? Of course I'm not dumb enough to think that is enough to mean that we are meant to be in a relationship together and make it work but a man can believe. I don't want to drown myself in self-pity and be depression, I want to get busy. If there is one thing I learned from this relationship is that I've seen first-hand the amount of commitment it takes in order to pursue a dream. I have a goal now and I won't stop till I am finished, and I will continue to set further goals because what got me here is complacency. I always lose that drive to better myself once I get into a relationship and regress. This has to stop.
I definitely won't be looking for a new relationship for a long time because I need time to heal, and I also need time get my shit together even if it takes awhile. My ex has expressed willingness to meet in the future, and I have every intention to come back to visit her and my friends here. I want to start over but this time as a different man and a better person. I still want her but it's simply not possible right now. She made the right decision for herself and in a way made me consider the change I had to do to myself which I should done years ago. I'm going to take responsibility and own it. Another thing that stuck out to me was that she drove to our place right after her exams and broke up with me, then went back to the library to study as she still has 2 exams to complete. I thought that sort of laser-like focus was impressive - I want to be like that, to be able to do what is necessary.
Rather than crying everyday I've been making calls to people I know back home, rekindling lost connections to prepare them for my arrival. I want to give up my video game hobby, which I know has wasted so much of my time and held me back. It's the little things that you miss when you're always stuck in front of a screen. Prior to this relationship I was always busy with either working out and working, or hanging out with my small circle of friends. I used to read! I've only noticed my video game collection growing while I was in this relationship, because now I am comfortable or something. Could I definitely have prevented this relationship from breaking then? Probably, but now it has happened and I believe we're both better for it as it was the wake-up call I needed. I want to get into therapy, I thought my ADHD was handled with medication (diagnosed 2 years ago) but there are also aspects of my personality that I need to work on as well, I can't just rely on a pill to make everything perfect. Why do I need my partner to spend time with me that she cannot afford in order me to feel loved? Why do I always feel so inadequate and seek for approval, only when I'm comfortable in a relationship? Why do I always set myself on fire so someone else can feel warm? I really need to deal with this.
What would you have done? If you've read this entire thing please let me know, if there was something that I have done wrong in the past and if you have any insights or opinions on any future steps I need to take please let me know. This breakup is still fresh as it only happened less than a week ago, and this the above is what I can come up with for now. I've been busy. I'm sad and broken right now but eventually I won't be.
She's a redditor and she might see this, but I'm not doing this for her, I'm doing this for me. Thank you so much for reading.
TLDR: Gf broke up with me because she is unsure of the future with me and would rather secure her own. I'm manning up and taking responsibility to make myself a better person. Asking for any other additional advice.
Edit: some formatting issues
Submitted November 04, 2018 at 07:52AM by ferrarinobrakes https://ift.tt/2qrMtEY
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