[Tough Love]
TL;DR: I ruined many chances to be happy because of my people-pleasing and co-dependent tendencies, and pretty much think most of my life has been a lie.
When I was younger, I didn't really have too much insight being honest, I just lived in the present, without putting attention to the past/future.
What I did notice (but didn't care too much at the time), was that many people from my high school bullied me, made fun and mostly talked with me to ask for help (like lending homework, pencils and so on).
When I turned 15, I started to become more self-aware... And then it happened.
I was bullied for two years straight, as they called me names, insulted me, mocked me, treated me like garbage, and even once someone tackled me on the stairs so I fell out; and many more things.
I never understood why they were so cruel, I never hurt them, I always tried to be kind, supportive and generous, but they always seemed somehow delighted to bully me…
Eventually, the bullying started to take its toll. I became more jaded, I started to hate myself (I thought that it was my fault), and sometimes I didn’t want to go to school (but still had to do it anyway). Also I found the reason why my father was never around, and was dealing with a problem I had in DeviantArt so I was driven to the edge… It came to the point I tried to choke myself with my belt, but I stopped when I saw I couldn’t breathe…
I told my mom, and she talked with the vice chancellor. One day, they took me out of class and they told everyone what I tried to do. Then, they took me in and they asked me to reveal who were the people who hurted me.
I didn’t say anything, because I was afraid they would hurt me in revenge later, and instead I tried to forgive them. When I graduated… I should’ve valued that new chance; but I didn’t.
I had very bad social-skills, as most of the friendships I had were either internet ones or those made in high school.
In a nutshell: I made a fool out of myself.
I acted the same way I did in high school, I tried to care about everyone and be a good classmate, but I only ended up annoying most of them. No matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t able to connect with them, because I tried to please everyone, instead of focusing into a single group (first great mistake).
For the next two years and three semesters, I ended up messing up things very hard. I helped many people, but when they said that they wanted to know me, I would tell them that I was happy just seeing them happy.
I also acted like a stupid child. I felt envy and jealousness when I saw that others could befriend people easily while I couldn’t. I didn’t respect their personal boundaries; I tried to help even when they didn’t ask for it.
As a result, people started to get distant with me. They would be kind when we were face to face, but they would never text me, contact me or talk to me after class, and that made my depression return very quickly.
After a while, I felt so overwhelmed that I flunked out from medicine, and I decided that I wanted to study psychology instead, so I waited to make the college entrance exam again to move on.
During that period, I went to an Aspie Foundation to get psychological treatment and support, and it was great for the start but… I started to feel that I made another great mistake. They asked if I wanted to claim disability, and I told them that I didn’t, because that would be abusing the system.
I remember the words of a girl I met there, almost eleven years older than me, and now I can’t forget about them… “So you told them, huh? Let’s see how much it takes before most of them toss you away”.
Before I went to that foundation, I made the stupid mistake to tell almost everyone I knew about it, and that pretty much was the final nail in the coffin.
I started to get treated with pity, indifference, or as if I were a child or snowflake. Maybe that was the reason things went to get weird with people.
After I did my college entrance exam and started psychology, I wanted to make things right… But guess what, I did tell them (thinking they would understand better).
It was more similar to high school, people asked me to help them with homework, projects or to print things for them, but at the same time, almost no one texted me first for other stuff, and I got depressed again as well…
Things became clear after I started studying the career and reading blogs… I was a co-dependent person. And I couldn’t get close with people because my heart was pretty much broken and scarred because of those years of bullying I had.
Many people gave me advice and helped me during that time, but I barely made the effort to change and improve. Almost four years after graduation, most of the friendships I used to have are now acquaintances, one-sided or have faded away.
Because I burned tons of bridges, annoyed people until they wanted to have nothing to do with me, or worse… They thought I was helping them because I wanted their friendship in exchange.
That was pretty much the thing I did. I wasn’t conscious of that fact until a friend made me realize it, but it was too late.
I have self-sabotaged so much that I destroyed many chances of happiness I could’ve gotten after graduation. I was bullied, that’s right, and it wasn’t fair, but the one who made all of those mistakes was me, and I guess I have no right to complain about it… When I saw some people I used to be very close become distant or being uncomfortable around me, it was a harsh moment of self-realization.
I feel empty and destroyed… I’ve lost the drive to meet new people or talk with them, as I fear that I’ll end up being rejected or betrayed again. I know that I need to take responsibility for my mistakes and eventually move on but the pain is sometimes unbearable…
I’m sorry, I’m really sorry… I know I fucked up, I know I wasn’t a good friend to many people, I know that I broke many promises I made, I know that I wallowed in self-pity, didn’t learn from my mistakes and instead wanted to victimize myself, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this…
I want to change for my family and the friends I still have… They helped me a lot in rough times, and I feel horrible thinking that their time and efforts were useless.
In the end, the dream I had never existed or mattered at all... I was just a stupid, selfish, co-dependent and people pleaser who only wanted to survive, who didn't realized there were people who cared about him until it was too late...
Once again... To all the people I disappointed, I'm sorry. For all the promises I broke, I'm sorry.
I can't help to think that all the things I've been having lately is some sort of punishment, because I didn't take the road to happiness when I could, and now I'm paying the price for my mistakes.
Thanks for listening as always, reddit...
Submitted October 20, 2018 at 06:16AM by SuperEmiya https://ift.tt/2yYlmWf
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