Let me start off by saying, I’ve always been a feminine guy. Growing up, I hung out almost exclusively with girls because I liked their games, toys and just the way of playing a lot better. I was raised in an atheist household and wasn’t burdened with homophobia coming from my family, but I was bullied extensively at school because of my appearance and interests. I am naturally extroverted but this experience made me withdrawn and awkward, I even developed selective mutism in middle school and became extremely self-conscious. To avoid being teased, I’d go to great lengths to mask my natural tone of voice and mannerism so I could blend in with the crowd more easily.
It was only when I left my hometown for college that I was able to live more authentically. I studied art history and our department was full of queer and gender non-conforming people. No one cared about the way you presented yourself, in fact, I felt encouraged to be myself. I decided to embrace everything that others wanted me to feel ashamed about: my sexuality, interests, looks, voice, etc. At this time, I started experimenting with wearing make-up and nail polish because I loved watching YouTube tutorials on this topic and I always used to do it for my friends but I was too intimidated to try it on myself. I decided I really liked the way it made me feel – I could hide pimples or bumps on a bad skin day, bring out my eyes with mascara and eyeliner or shape my eyebrows. I don’t do it on a daily basis, mostly for special occasions, nights out, or when I just want to boost up my confidence.
Before getting together with my current boyfriend, I was in a four-year relationship with another guy my age who was more of a typical man’s man than I am but he was always supportive of my interests and didn’t care that I was feminine. This is why I didn’t feel like “I like to wear make-up here and there” was something I would have to negotiate in a relationship. But my boyfriend of six months now, who is pretty outwardly masculine, was kind of shocked the first time I told him I wanted to put on mascara and eye-shadow before going out dancing. He didn’t stop me from doing it but I could tell that he was uncomfortable while we were out. We had a talk about it when we came home and he couldn’t understand why I would ever want to wear make-up as a guy. I explained to him that it makes me feel good and confident but from what I understood, in his mind, he equated this to drag and crossdressing and thought I might want to be a woman. He comes from a more traditional household and works in construction so he’s never really had contact with queer (other than gay) people like I have during my studies. I told him I couldn’t go back to hiding who I was, not even for him, and he promised to try and learn more about gender non-conformity and work towards accepting this part of me.
The problem is he hasn’t fulfilled that promise. We got into a pretty bad fight recently because I wanted to wear make-up when we attended his (female) friend’s bachelorette party. All of the girls agreed to wear red lipstick as an inside joke and they asked me if I wanted to join in too, since they knew I might be interested. I agreed and my boyfriend was out of his mind when he found out. He said I was embarrassing him on purpose and that everyone would think we were a joke. I pointed out that people who thought gay couples were a joke would continue to think so regardless of the make-up and that wasn’t our problem but I could tell he was still mad and thought I didn’t take his concerns seriously.
In the end, I compromised and passed on the lipstick for that evening and although we still had a good time, I actually hate that I did that. I feel like I’m being pushed back into the closet by my own boyfriend, who’s supposed to be the one person to support me even when no one else does. I love him, but I can never be that kid I was in school again. I understand his bringing-up was different and that he also feels the pressure to conform as a gay man but I don’t think it’s our job to change in order to accommodate others. I just don’t know how I can make him understand my point of view.
TL;DR I’m a feminine gay man who sometimes wears make-up. My current boyfriend is more masculine and traditional and he can’t come to terms with this part of me. I’m feeling divided between his wish to conform with social expectations and my identity and I’m not sure how to proceed.
Submitted October 13, 2018 at 07:07PM by makeupwearingfem https://ift.tt/2pRdscN
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