I have severe sleep issues. I jerk up whenever i fall asleep and this night i woke up 2 times bc of a nightmare during the time i am the "most asleep" (sorry not native) which is the worst way to wake up from a nightmare. I slept maybe 2h last days, i forgot my meds the last 2 days and i just blocked my mom on whatsapp bc she just never shuts the fuck up. So dont expect any of this to make sense or follow a clear structure or sth.
I have no idea why i cant sleep btw. Physical, mental, no idea. Whatever.
I wish i could just close my door and be left alone forever. I wish i could just close my eyes and die. I live in a dark hole for 10y now. When i went to uni in first semester there was a beginner shit thing with a ralley and idk what kind of extroverted bullshit they tried to make me do as well and they discussed the best clubs, pubs and around and 'where to party'. I looked at them celebrating and i just felt utter disgust how they could ever celebrate any of this. How anyone could ever smile there.
I will never understand that. How can people even live. How can they live with the whole world constantly changing, with each day being another struggle against things you need to do and can fuck up??? How??
When i was 14 and my depression had its first peak i stopped caring for basic hygene, i dont remember combing my hair once that time. Even showering was too much. I was underweight because i didnt want to get out of my bed to eat. I dont know why, maybe a weird form of self harm but i always picked the thinnest jackets to school. I realized that it was cold but i didnt feel the cold anymore. Then when i managed to get over that first peak (lasted about a year) next winter i slowly realized what happened. I realized how much weight i lost, i realized that my boobs had been growing and i had no idea since when i should have started to wear a bra. I realized that i had my first period already 8 months ago. I am lesbian and i had my frist slight crush when i was 11. She fitted my beauty standard perfectly and she had a pointy nose which i love. Have a pointy nose and i will fall for you beyond the 9th circle of hell. With 14-15 however i realized that not only had i completely forgotten her, i also acted like a bitch towards her (like i did to everyone else) so she now seriously hated me. My luck was that i didnt get yet that what i felt was a crush bc i didnt know i was lesbian yet, but still...
And the cold. I will never forget that fucking cold in my entire life. It wasnt even cold anymore, it was pure pain. When i walked through the bit of snow we had in january i slowly realized how cold my jacket was. I wore not more than a shirt and a thin jacket made of one layer of cloth (and was underweight). My jeans had holes and showed my bare skin. I felt it deep in my bones, i didnt feel my skin anymore or my flesh, the cold seemed to drill small nails into my bones and with each step i felt like my joints would just freeze. This was already 8 years ago but ever since that i cant tolerate the cold anymore. It makes me anxious whenever only the tip of my nose is cold.
I am in this hole for so long now. I am in such a shock how i neglected hygiene and such that i now wont leave the house without my hair being washed. I bath nearly every single day in hot water and my heaters are never switched off even in summer.
But i will always come back... There will always be another time when i have to stop everything in live bc even surviving is too much.
I try so much. I try sport in my gym, i go to therapy, i try hypnosis, i take antidepressants, i tried eating lots of chocolate and when it didn't work eating no sugar at all. I even try things like bullet journalling, mood tracking etc. Its of no use. I wont ever escape. Depression is hardwired in my brain. It wont stop. Ever. And i don't know anymore if the fight is worth fighting for. I love my art., i wouldn't kill myself because it would mean i cant create more art anymore. But i am so done,..
Submitted August 27, 2018 at 12:38AM by randomcarrotaf https://ift.tt/2P96ISl
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