Okay, so I just created this account today, cause why not? I also want to say I’m sorry I’m advance for the long long post, but I just need to get as much out as possible. I usually vent on Snapchat or my finsta, but I feel like I can’t get the full story and really in all honestly no one gives a shit on Instagram except about their broken nails or bags of weed. So I’m just going to start from the beginning here.
I started high school when I was 14, my freshman year. I did football because it was what I loved to do, even though I wasn’t the best at it and never got into any games. Oh well. Anyways, I feel like I was a huge introvert in my freshman year. My schedule was like this: wake up on time, like the good goodie that I was, get dressed, eat, get picked up by my moms friends with my other friends, although not talking. Take my advanced classes (sorta, I was a freshman taking half sophomore courses), go to P.E., football practice, come home, do homework, (once in a while I would have enough time to play some video games afterwords), then go to bed, repeat. I was a good child, I just did what I was told and got praised by my family, even though I was fucking lonely all the time. I never had a girlfriend or anything, because I’m shy, plus I was an introvert. Half of my friends were upperclassmen, half not (I guess it worked out that way with my “advanced classes”).
I took this graphic arts class. My teacher, let’s call her Ms. Gray. She was great. I loved that class, because I was actually quite intrigued with photoshop and illustrator, it was fun. Maybe a little bit TOO intrigued. I literally spent every, single, god damn day at lunch in that room, went to P.E., took my bullshit Spanish class, then came back to the class, then to football practice. It was just a repeat schedule, I was sick of it cause I was lonely. However, later in the year I stopped staying in for lunch and started sitting at the freshman football table like a NORMAL person XD, playing clash Royale. God we had nothing better to do.
I have to tell this though: so this one night, it was a Wednesday night. I was just falling asleep at 10:20 or so like the “goodie” that I was, but at about 10:45, I wake up to this screaming. Before I tell anymore, let’s get the layout of my house down. My brother and my room is connected by a short little hall. Coming out of my room, to the right, then left, you come up to my parent’s room and the opening to the family room and kitchen, it’s all one big room. Also, for background, my dad always watches tv at night on the couch, and usually eats a bowl of ice cream every night ranging from 9:45-11. Okay, so now that that’s down, I hear this screaming. So I come walking out to the opening, and I’m met with this haze in my house. I hear my mom screaming, my dad is shouting “oh my God!” Over and over again. It took me a moment to comprehend what just happened, but once I realized, I start shouting “what the fuck?!” A Lincoln Navigator, had crashed into my house. And not just in my house; he was driving so fast (60mph+ in a 25) down a side street, which meets up at a T, and my house sits on the other side of that T. So he was driving so fast, he crashed through our cinderblock wall, exploded our brand new pressurized pool pump, completely destroyed our new A.C. unit, crashed through the wall of our house to get his front bumper INSIDE of my house. And he picked the best location too: the kitchen. He lunged the fridge at least 4 feet out, which exploded food out everywhere, headlight inside the dishwasher that was cracked open, 400+ lb countertop which was pushed over by the fridge, resting on a sitting chair, leaned up against the couch that my dad was SITTING on. I get that I’m rambling now, so I’ll finish this part up. The driver was drunk and on drugs, probably trying to kill himself, we couldn’t live in our house for 4 months, there was $110,000+ damage, the drunk overdosed 2 weeks later after being bailed out, after visiting my mom saying that he was the “bad man” DRIVING HIGH AGAIN. He had shitty insurance, which offered our insurance, State Farm, $40,000 for the damage. They waited the 2 years they needed to to sue them, and this whole thing can last in court for up to 8 more years from this day. Phew.
Fast forward to sophomore year. Skip summer, you think my sorry ass did anything interesting? No, I just sat on my ass playing Xbox or Minecraft with my brother (I was that bored), then the second half was summer football practice, nothing too special.
Btw, I mention football a lot, cause my school is HUGE on it, plus I’m built for it. Sorta. Weighed 215 freshman year, was a linemen, plus my family thought that I was “good” at it. (Not really in my opinion though)
Sophomore year, I actually started coming out a bit. Chilling with friends at school, texting people, etc. grades were good. In fact, one of the semesters I got straight A’s in all my classes to my surprise. I’m on the lookout for girls. Im a dude, what do you expect a lonely dude to do?! Made some friends, shits and googles first semester. The only thing that was bad about first semester was that I had to drop my precalculus class, because I was failing in the first 3 weeks. No shit, right? Only did it because my GENIUS TA from geometry freshman year thought that it was a FABULOUS idea to take algebra 3-4 over the summer to go into precalc. Yeahhhhh, GREAT idea. A waste of money, time, very stressfull and was just bad at the time. I got an easy ride in math that year so at least I’m thankful-ish for that.
Second semester: oh boy. Good and bad I guess. I walk into my last hour of the day on my first day back on second semester. The class is word history, and I didn’t take it 1st semester, because I did it online instead of taking health online, for god knows what reason. Meh Anyways, I walk in, and I see this girl that I made friends with in my English class. She waves me over, to come sit by her, so I do. I’m glad that I did the classes that way, cause we’re actually best friends to this day. Let me just tell you. I hated that class for the content and the teacher. Ex-lawyer, who’s now a teacher with his wife too, scratchy voice, and a very, very short temper. Most of the kids in that class were just terrible, everyone always talked, and no one gave a flying fuck. Oh well, I had my friend, let’s call her Rebecca. So I’m guessing Rebecca was a little bit of an introvert, cause when day, were watching this boring film, and she passes me a note. I open it, and it asks me if I wanted to hang out.
HOLD ON A SEC. let’s go inside my head for a sec. I’m taken aback for a moment, cause I hardly went out with my friends anyways, let alone a FEMALE. Poor, poor me. Because I always never was good with relationship stuff, a talking to girls, even though I’m a good flirter now.
I’m thinking to myself, it’s now or never dude, she might, might be into. So I write on it, yeah that be great. Pass it. She looks, writes, passes back. “Okay, great! My therapist is forcing me too, so what do you want to do?” I think to myself, “holy shit, your actually making plans with a girl outside of school. I’m getting all giddy. Fuck, I was so stupid. Sorry for my language, btw 😬. Anyways, we make plans for the mall or a movie or something, but I found out she had a bf, but I thought they broke up, cause she gave me some affection at the theaters I think. We still hung out a lot, plus she was my only hope in that class. So I step it up a bit, and ask her over to my house. She comes over, and we had fun, we just messed around on gta in my room. All of a sudden though, Rebecca gets a phone call, and she answers it. Something about a misunderstanding, she was at my house hanging, blah blah, hang up. I ask who was that. She responds with, “oh, that was my boyfriend. He’s like really overprotective whenever I do something without him”
I was so crushed at this point. I say, oh, okay, trying not to choke on my stomach. I get through the rest of the “hangout”, my mom drives us to her house, and comes back. It’s not a short drive either, it’s like 40 minutes from my house to hers. I ended up crying that night. Why is it that I always get god damn friend zoned? It sucks so much. And I thought that we were going somewhere, cause we spent 11 ours together one day going to the university with my mom and brother for some event, which was really fun. Ended up giving her my jacket and hugging her at her house. She was a good hugger too.
Moving on from the sob story y, I moved on, cause she was like my only good friend that I actually talked to. We got through the stupid history class with the snappy teacher together. And at the end of the year, we had to do some project. It requires 6 people. Out of the 35 people in that class, about 5 of them were decent. So it was me, Rebecca and her friend, and the other 3 people. I did the majority of the work, since I’m built that way, but Rebecca and her friend did some stuff too. The other 3 mostly didn’t do shit. I was a bit irritated towards the end cause it was a lot of work. It was mostly just 3 or 4 people out of the 6 most the time, with me in charge. But this is what set me off. One day I’m composing to myself about the 3 people who weren’t here and how I had to do their work for them, and my teacher had the NERVE to say “well maybe if you had better control over your group and actually got the work done you wouldn’t have this problem. “ I lost it. I don’t remember what exactly I said, but it was something to the effect of “what the fuck am I supposed to do when half the people don’t do their part?” The whole class stoped and did their cheer or whatever, but I didn’t care. My teacher was saying something back to me, clearly annoyed, with his stupid face, but I was all on adrenaline, biting my lip so hard I thought I was bleeding. I was in the right, he was in the wrong. I ended up sending him an email to him later, and it all worked out. Sorry I’m really rambling again I have to move on.
Summer: I end up getting my driving license, getting a job at chick Fil a, got a car and started saving money. I thought the job was great. Also, that’s when I started getting into snapchat and more social media overall, and started talking to a girl that I knew from 8th grade. I started going over to her apartment, and I thought this was an actual thing, cause we were all touchy, and she would post about me on Snapchat on how she “missed me” But this is when the stress, anxiety, procrastination, and the different ways of seeing things started happening. I wasn’t the goodie 2 shoes that I was. I had to a lot of work for an advanced English class I was taking my junior year. I don’t know why I was taking an advanced English class, because English is my least favorite subject, the one I do worst in. I had a lazy 8th grade English teacher who didn’t teach anything. For gods sake I didn’t know my part of speech very well. Anyways, we had write essays, read books, mark up stuff, etc. I waited until 3 weeks before school to bullshit my way through it. Ended up doing the majority of it, and guess what? Another girl that I knew from 8th grade starts snapping me for help. Wow. Great timing lol.
Beginning of school: I see the girl I was with, which we’ll call her sherry. Sherry was all over me, always wanting to hug me and lean up against me and such. We ate lunch upstairs together everyday. Fast forward a month. School was easy, aside from English, which I was already starting to hate. I find out that sherry was just playing with me. She had a boyfriend the whole time I was “with” her. Hoe. Half the girls in high school are like that anyways. But why me?! I’m like literally the nicest guy you’ll ever meet who will do anything for you. How could someone screw someone over like me, and just why? My new friend group, who I’ll end up eating and hanging with everyday for lunch with, the girl had a mission to make sherry jealous, so she had me post holding her hand on Snapchat, then holding my hand outside walking past her. Sherry ended up transferring schools. Mission accomplished
The girl from the new friend group, call her kat, I knew that she liked me, cause she was ACTUALLY a little affectionate towards me. But then, I see Rebecca one day, or she texts me and she wants me to eat lunch with her the next day. Me as my poor desperate ass that still had feelings for her was just like SURE! So I hung out with the new friend group half the time, the other times with her and her friend group. I was feeling really social at this point, like nothing could stop me. I totally ditched Kat though, and I really hate myself because that chance did NOT come back. Oh well. So Rebecca and I hit up dutch brothers all the time after school, cause I had the car, I could do whatever the hell I wanted, right? Again, this is where I get too nice, paying for dutch here, giving rides to friends there, but I really didn’t mind.
October hits. Things get good and bad here. I made some good work friends to pass the time when it got slow, but work started to not schedule me as much anymore. After 2 months they started this actually. I asked them about, I said I could work any day, I even opened up my availability to close any night. They still didn’t schedule me. The managers there started acting like dicks too. You’d think that chick fil a is the place where all the employees smile, right? WRONG!! I can count on one hand how many times one manager smiled, another was a power hunger college blonde chick, 2 more we’re old, the gmo was a dick, and the others had nice faces but evil spirits. Literally, I only liked one manager, maybe 2. Oh well, you can always find another job
Homecoming is coming up. I take Rebecca to one of the games before, and she gives a hint that she wants to go to homecoming. So next week, I go to her softball tournament and meet her mom and brothers there. After it ends, she says hi and hugs me, and I say put your stuff down. I back up a bit, and toss her a softball that says “I know I might strike out asking, but will you go to hoco with me?” She screams, hugs me tight, and it was just great and right at the time. Best week of my life (I thought at least at the time), cause she ends up being affectionate, kisses me on the check and we were holding hands and touching the whole time at hoco. We watch it afterwards, she holds my hand and cuddles the whole time. It’s 1am by now, and my mom takes us to her house. And here’s where I’m stupid. I don’t make a move. The timing was right, but I foresee, I didn’t know what to do. So we part ways, and that affection went away for another guy. Again. Heartbroken.
It’s at this point where I start not doing well. Grades start slipping, the stress is overwhelming here, I start arguing with my mom, who I’ve NEVER argued with. Procrastination, especially in English is unreal, and I start to fall into depression without realizing. I consider moving out multiple times, but I can’t since I’m tethered to home with my debit card and car and insurance.
End of November now. Work had started not scheduling me for an entire week. The worst it got was one four shift in 3 weeks. I also didn’t say, but they screwed me over for homecoming because they scheduled me only for homecoming game and dance, the 2 days I requested off, knowing that I did, cause I wrote my name under someone else’s requesting off the exact same thing, and they said that I didn’t request it. Okay, whatever you say. Dickheads. Ended up quitting at the end of the year, but before that, I procrastinated soooo hard on a project for English, just cause I didn’t want to do it, and my mom was pissed at me for it, even though she helped me with it. We were given 6 weeks, I started on week 3.5.
So at this point I felt like I was parting a bit with my mom, and actually wanted to throw a huge ass party. I knew that my parents would never leave the house, so I found this little secluded part off a road down some miles where we could drink, smoke and have a massive bonfire. I actually went as far as snapping the crazy sophomore that was upstairs with us most the time to see if he could get some for me and I could pay him. Well, not crazy, but definitely did hard drugs and had autism of some sort. November was actually the first time I tried a vape. It was a sourin air, some candy flavor. I liked it, and tried to look for one, but not with much luck cause I didn’t know what it was called at the time.
Asides from that, remember the girl that snapchated me for help in English? Yeah, I could definitely tell that she was into me. But my dumbass STILL had feelings for Rebecca. God, I could NOT get over it for some particular reason. But we’ll call Snapchat girl Anne. Anne and I texted sometimes, mostly in second semester. But let me go to December
December was decent. I finally got my shit together and got good grades again, even though I failed the English final, but I still got a C in the class. Okay. So December is here: cold weather, Christmas, so and so. Christmas was good, and the day after again, I went to Rebecca’s house again for Christmas. I get her some books that she wanted, and she gets me a teddy bear. No one ever got me a teddy bear, cause I was never good enough for anyone, so I really appreciated it. We look through some memes, and I act so childish, cause I think I still have a chance to with her for some reason. I go home at some point, and later dm her if she wanted to date. She said she didn’t see me that way, cause I was still going off of hoco. Again, here’s poor, desperate, sad me, heartbroken again. Crying again. And this is when I slip into my depression. Not serious or anything, and it wasn’t just because of her. It was at this point where I thought that I would never be good enough for anyone, and that I was parting from my family, and I felt worthless at some points. It came and went, but it was just awful.
January: I get a new job. My friend (call her Patrice) had been wanting me to work here for a while, and I finally put in the application and such. They hire me real quick, and I actually enjoyed the work and people there. It’s a smaller place, but it’s still a great job. Also, Anne dm’d me one night, had some convo, and said that she’s had a crush on me since the beginning of the school year. This was when I just got over Rebecca, so I didn’t know my feelings at the time, and I passed at the time. Bad decision. I don’t even know why I did that, I could’ve had a gf who actually appreciated and liked me, but I was just stupid. Once school started back up, I literally did not care. It was easy to get away with at first, but once stuff started getting harder again, I couldn’t keep up, especially now being depressed. Also, I added this girl on Snapchat one day. I actually thought that she was someone else, but it still worked out. Her name shall be Vanessa. Vanessa and I would FaceTime all of winter break, and once school started up, I realized that Vanessa was actually one of my kinda friend’s younger sister. It didn’t matter to me. It doesn’t matter how old your friends are, they’re your friends.
Later months: I was still depressed, doing pretty shitty in school, cause I just didn’t feel like doing it. Anne offered me a wax pen to buy. I buy it. Didn’t realize it was thc at first but found out later. That pen was great. I know that I really shouldn’t be doing thc, but whatever, I started so it happened I guess. It helped though. When I was feeling really stressed or anxious, or even depressed, I would take a hit. This is also around the time where I started smoking at work, cause they were all chill about it since they did it too. Started using my manager’s mod, which is a great one. It help d. Work was like my second home, because I was still doing bad in school, because of that stupid English class. I did not understand anything in that class. I was arguing with my mom so much more often, sometimes both of them. One argument I tell them that I’ve been depressed, and instead of understanding me, they ask why I didn’t tell them, so they could try to help me. Well, when they’re yelling at me about why I can’t do the things that I used to do I can’t really just bring up the topic. It’s not really fun to talk about. Almost every argument dealt with college, grades, procrastination, something against me. I was questioned and told that I was a completely different person than last year. Why? How? Because this year I actually have a social life instead of an introvert. “But you did football”. FOOTBALL DOESNT COUNT, I wasn’t good at it, I didn’t like half of the people, it was really just a 2 year training camp.
Wow. I got that out. But still, 2nd semester was just horrible. And decent at the same time. But I was still depressed, anxious, extremely stressed out and confused all the time. So in April, that was a fun month. Still arguing, but arizona schools actually went on strike at this time. I was out of school for like a week, but I did some extra credit for English. April was also the first time a smoked bud, and when me and my lifelong friend/neighbor, Patrice just found out that we both smoked. I tried a juul the first time that day, on 4/20 actually. So overall now, I’ve used multiple vapes and mods, wax pens, bud, and have been buzzed, but am actually getting out of depression a little bit. It eventually goes away actually. I start using my finsta a lot more this semester to rant. I was just so confused, pulled into drama, confused, anxious, stressed, it just sucked at the time. And my parents expect me to be the “perfect angel” when nothing is what it used to be. Stuff happens, people aren’t always the same, but that doesn’t mean that they’re a completely different person. I’m finally out of school now, but I cheated on my science final, almost failed my precalc class, which actually wasted my parents a lot of money since I was taking it for dual enrollment. But I passed my classes, and have just been working so far over the summer. Things are getting a little better, but I still feel like my parents are expecting too much out of me, and I’ve been pressured and stressed to find help in other things. I just really hope that my mom especially doesn’t get upset with me like this again, although I feel like it will. I just don’t know what to expect anymore. Like I’ve changed my mind with lots of things, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I just hope that they don’t get mad or hate me for going to college but not pursing anything with my degree afterwards, since I still don’t know what to do.
Again, I’m sorry with this excessively long post, to anybody who read all the way to here, but I just need some advice that isn’t from a parent or teacher for once, someone who will ACTUALLY see my side in things.
Submitted July 18, 2018 at 05:31PM by A_Teen_In_Disguise https://ift.tt/2ux9yJ0
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