okay let me start by saying that i'm not sure how reddit works. i've only been on the app a few times to see what the weird app icon on my ex's phone was. while i was on the app i discovered you can basically share anything and sometimes people can put their two cents in. which is why i'm doing this. i want to tell a story that i don't feel comfortable telling anyone i know irl about because i feel like i'm just telling scenes of a horror movie i never want to watch again. i cant even bring myself to tell my mom about it, even though i'm for sure she'd be able to relate more than anyone i'll ever know. i feel like telling anyone will make me seem weak and i honestly don't seem like i even went through this. i don't give off that aura i guess, which is good. so i'll start with july of '17 when i met "john" . he added me on snapchat and for awhile we never talked until he posted a picture of a nice blunt he rolled so i slid up and was like 'wow so cool' and he said we should smoke sometime and i told him i was down. so we talked a lot. never hung out or saw eachother in person . idk why but one day we made plans to hangout. and lemme tell you how i was so geeked over this dude. i thought he was the coolest cutest guy ever, he had an amazing sense of humor and cools music taste, he was just so freaking cool. and i was on the phone with a friend of mine telling him how amazing john was, and he asked if i seen his story & i said 'yeah it's just beer' and he goes 'no the other thing' and i told him i couldn't see it, so he screenshotted it and sent it to me. it was a picture of john's neck covered in hickeys with the caption 'she was a little freaky' my heart dropped . i thought this dude was as geeked as i was. so i brought it up to him and he gave me a bunch of bull. but for some reason i let it slide. that is where i messed up. i shouldve cut him off but i wanted him so i overlooked it. then the day we first hung out finally came (it was in august) and we had a nice time, i enjoyed being around him. so we started hanging out more kept getting to know eachother. we eventually started dating and it seemed like it was going well. although in september a couple days before my 17th birthday i cheated on john with a friend of mine. it was wrong i realize that but in all honesty i didn't think it was a big deal considering john told all his friends i was just some girl he slept with so i didn't think our relationship was serious. i didnt tell him i just forgot about it. fast forward to the end of september , i moved in with him. we were so excited . i got to live with my boyfriend ! i dropped out of school for this ! i quit my job ! i didn't realize how badly he was already influencing me yayyyy! but all was well until the second night of living together, someone at his job told him how i slept with someone else. he brought it up to me, of course i blamed myself , begged for forgiveness told him i'd never do it again , i love him. all that. he gave me the lecture on how he'll stay but he doesn't know when he'll gain trust back. i felt blessed he didn't leave me. i hate my brain for thinking that. then after that it was just us smoking weed all the time and the times we weren't we were arguing. it sucked. we argued all the time. it always ended up him calling me names that just sting your ears as soon as you hear them - really just him hurting me more bc i didn't know how to hurt him equally. i always ended up crying and apologizing. fast forward to halloween. we both got drunk and had a good night. he fell asleep but i couldn't never sleep at night idk why. i messaged friends warning them i was drunk and tried to keep conversation . at some point during the night and old ex messaged me asking for his stuff back. and i agreed. i know i'm a fucking idiot , whatever. so i gave him his stuff and john woke up and found out, kept demanding i give him my phone and i kept telling him no. really bc i didn't want him to see how i was telling people i was drunk. but he eventually got even more angry and started yelling and getting in my face and scaring me. i told him i didn't want him near me, i curled up in a ball in the corner of our bed but he dragged me off. i ran to the living room, he pushed me down and kept trying to get my phone i kept trying to push him away, he ended up breaking my phone. and dragging me by my hair to our room and throwing me at the bed. i put my hands up so i don't hit the bed and the metal frame cut my hand. i have a nice scar from it now. and he went outside , starting drinking more. called up his ex to come get him. called his dad , his mom, MY mom. and then while he was outside i relapsed (i cut myself) . i'm usually strong enough not to but i felt like i disappointed him so much he was gonna leave. and he came back into our apartment and saw me bleeding on the bathroom floor. starting filming and called me stupid and told me i'm just a waste. i cant remember what else's happened that night but it was the worst night of my life. i know we woke up the next morning, cried together, i apologized and then everything was back to normal. after that it was more petty fights, and me crying. although at some point i went through his phone and went on his reddit and saw how he typed out a huge novel about how he did meth and kept doing it while he was with his dad. it kinda scared me, i thought all he did was smoke weed. and so i asked him about it and he was straight up with it. awhile after that we got into another argument. i just forced myself to sleep and he left, and did meth again. and came to me crying because he relapsed as well. i felt like it was all my fault and apologized and tried to make him feel better. i felt like a failure. another fast forward to early december. me and john lost our apartment and we moved in with his parents. things were fine. he stopped being so mean because he didn't want me being upset around his mom. but one night we got into another argument. he pushed me into my mirror and it broke , i had glass in the back of my arms and he didn't care at all. i told him i was leaving and i was gonna call my mom to get me. he then broke my phone in half. i didnt know wheat to do so i tried to wake his parents so i could use their phone but they would wake up. john then poured nail polish remover all into my 'memory chest'. i had pictures, letters, and art from when i was a child. and he ruined them all. my heart shattered. my last letters from friends and family who passed. art that i did and was given to me. all my pictures from childhood. luckily not everything was totally ruined. but i started crying i couldnt help it . and then he once again brought out his phone and started recording him spraying me with water from a bottle and laughing at me. and in it you can here me crying, asking him to stop but he didn't care. alright so fast forward again to march, by now you know i'm just gonna say that inbetween that fast forward was just arguments. but in march we got into another back argument, we were yelling so much it woke his brother. his brother went to his mom asking why john was calling me horrible names. and his mom didn't care either . so i just went to sleep crying again. the best day i was too embarrassed to let his parents see me but they assured me that they're not mad at me and it was okay. now here's easter. i was with my mom all easter weekend because i didn't spend many holidays with her ever since i moved in with john. and while i was away he tried to see girls he used to sleep with. got on dating apps , told people we broke up and he wanted to fuck them. and when i got back i ended up finding out and i started crying. i accidentally woke up. he asked me why so i told him and he apologized and begged me not to cry anymore. so i stopped. and let it go. because i know i did worse. now here comes april 17th a day after our 8 month anniversary . he got mad at me for something and told me i was a waste of his time. so i decided i wanted to leave. i asked my mom if i could move in with her (she had just moved 3 hours away from the town we had lived) and she said she was on her way. john was at work so i wanted to leave before he came back because i knew he'd try to talk me out of it. and i packed my stuff explained to him mom that i was leaving. and she told me she understood. she knows he was mean to me. SHE KNEW BUT NEVER HELPED ME. so i just left. and when he found out of course that's when he decided to change, to be a better boyfriend. but i didn't want him anymore. he even showed up to my new home at 2 am to beg for me back and beg me to go back to that town with him. after i told him no he threatened to stay in this city with no ride back home, an almost dead phone, and no money. i was scared for him so i told his sister and his mom to make sure he gets home. her got mad at me , oh well. after all that i eventually told him that if he gives me time then maybe we could get back together after we both better ourselves. but he didn't want to wait. so i didn't care.now here i am, back in school, gonna graduate this year, have a good job again. and i'm doing so much better than i ever have. i have a better relationship with my family. but idk , i still get get depressed and idk why.i know i shouldn't be but idk why man. i just dont know. TL;DR i'm too afraid to even want to try to talk to new people because i'm afraid i'll get treated the same. i just dont know what to do, how to feel. anyway that's my story thanks for reading
Submitted July 28, 2018 at 08:46PM by alwaysapathetic https://ift.tt/2AiUm7H
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