I’ve been growing through a rough few months. Just giving my all to someone undeserving. The type of person that drains you physically and mentally the way an infant would, minus the innocence and unconditional love. Really any love if we’re being honest with ourselves.
I’ve given up everything I had to give for this person. My most prized and truly irreplaceable possessions have been destroyed before my eyes. My friends and family, hobbies, even my Reddit history (it’s that bad!) have been wiped from my life. Clean slate, constant vigilance, deafening crunch of egg shells every step I took...it never brought him peace of mind. I failed and I learned today that the most hurtful betrayal possible was my consolation prize.
I had packed his things, glass of wine in my hand. Everything lovingly tucked in for the journey back to where they came from. I’m surprised there’s no tears.
To the car. Did I lock the door? I double checked, I triple checked. I set off.
On the way old thoughts I haven’t had for a decade start to creep into my mind. I could just stop all of it. I will just stop all of it. What’s cowardly is continuing to hurt. It’s not the easy way out, it’s the final way out. It takes commitment and commitment is hard. I make up my mind, I make my plans. I get positively giddy and sing. I smile big like I never could with Him. He didn’t like my teeth, you see.
I stop for a coke. No reason I shouldn’t be comfortable until the time comes is there? I best take care of myself, I won’t have the chance again. I check myself in the mirror. My shield is up. I’ve mastered the art of “looking ok” not even my closest friends or family would dream I was anything but quite alright.
The gas station isn’t in the best part of town. I’ve only been in once before, on my way to lunch with Him. I’ll probably never go in again. But I had the most curious conversation with the cashier.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: I’m good, thanks.
Cashier: Are you really good?
Me: I’m ok
Cashier: Are you sure that’s really how you feel?
Me: I guess, really, I’ve been better
Cashier: I think I only have one left but I want you to have it.
And he hands me a paper flower. Just tissue paper and pipe cleaner. It’s bright orange. Aggressively my least favorite color. The stem is silver. It pokes me a little where it’s been cut. I have no idea why it’s here. Did he make it? Are they selling them? Regardless it’s mine now.
And he says “She’s doing you a favor.”
And he’s right, of course. She’s going to take this weight off me. He is her burden now. I’m free. I’m light. But how could he have known?
I leave, I think. All thoughts of the end are gone.
I think some more. About the two times before that a complete stranger has hit the nail on the head. Said just the right thing. All three have been so distinctive in appearance I could never forget them.
And it has to be, there is no way there is not, someone looking out for me. I’ll never know who or what but it’s there. I know I’ve done something right. I know the world will be kind to me. I know I can go on.
When I get home He has been there. Things are missing. Important things. But I don’t mind. I take a deep breath. I sit and just relax in the way I only can when He is gone. I take out 3 books and read them all, a few pages here, a few there. And I am alright. I’m safe.
Submitted July 19, 2018 at 06:51AM by HappyScrewup https://ift.tt/2uLNHgi
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