Note: This is a fairly offensive story, but you wouldn't be here if you didn't expect that, right?
"What the hell is this?" said a man standing in Reverend Graham's bathroom doorway. He had his fists placed on either side of the opening and was staring at Graham with a red, scrunched up face.
Graham looked him over from his bath tub. The man wore a long tan robe, cinched at the waist with a piece of rope. His feet—which were positively filthy—were protected only by a thin pair of cloth slippers. His hair fell to his shoulders in rich chestnut curls. It was obvious who this man was.
"Oh hi," the reverend said to him. "I'm not ready for my massage yet. I'll be in the room with you in a moment. Eh," he added as he evaluated how many bubbles he still had. "Half an hour."
"Are you fucking serious?" he said, glaring at him.
"I mean... yeah," Reverend Graham told him. "What's your name again? Marcus? Gary? Oh, Pueblo? Whatever. I'll be down when I'm down. There are refreshments in there. Please don't—"
"I am Jesus fucking Christ, you imbecile," the man hissed. "And you... are on my naughty list."
Reverend Graham rolled his eyes. "Listen, I know half of you are named Jesus, but adding the Christ seems a little—"
In one fluid motion, Jesus took off his slipper and threw it at Graham, which smacked his face and then fell with a splash into his hot scented bath.
"Hey!" he yelled. He rubbed at his jaw and said, "I could have you lashed for that."
"Yeah, well I could have you burned in Hell for this!"
Reverend Graham rubbed at his forehead and snatched his bell from the lip of the tub. He shook it vigorously and yelled, "Jeeves! Jeeves, please come in here! Call security as well!"
A butler made his way around the corner and eyed the dirty figure standing in the doorway suspiciously.
"Jeeves, why would you let this man in here?" Graham asked.
"Sir, I assure you no one on staff allowed this man entrance," the butler responded. He sneered at the dirty man, eyeing his ragged state with disgust.
"Oh, you have a fucking problem?" Jesus asked him. He snapped his fingers and yelled, "Boom!"
A pillar of salt was all that remained of Jeeves. Graham began to splash frantically in his tub, trying to extract himself from the soapy water, but only managing to slip and nearly drown several times. Eventually, the repeated calls of "Hey!" made him stop. He gasped for breath.
"Okay, so you're Jesus," he said through pants. "Jesus. In my house. My Lord and savior, I—"
"Oh, don't even start down that fucking road, pal," Jesus told him. "I think we both know that's not the case."
This actually made Reverend Graham pause for a second. He grappled for words. "My Lord, you are my... the light which illuminates my path in life. I have attempted to gleam knowledge from your book, and—"
He stopped short when Jesus started to chuckle. "Sure," he said. "Some of them, maybe."
"Excuse me?"
"I said some of them," Jesus told him slowly.
The reverend scrambled and slipped until he was on his knees in the tub. He thought about how he should really have some anti-slip pads put in after this ordeal was over. "Oh Lord, I feel so much pain for how far we have fallen!" he cried.
To his surprise, Jesus mocked his wailing. "Yeah, you know what really hurts?"
The reverend stared around the room searching for an answer. "Sinn—"
"Nails. Fucking nails hurt."
Graham looked at Jesus, his mouth hanging open. He felt a pang of real fear in his chest now. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry for all the worldly possessions I have taken! I am sorry for the lavish lifestyle in which I live!"
Jesus looked around bathroom. He eyed the marble floors, the gold sinks, and the beautiful world-renowned art that was no doubt suffering in the humid environment. He looked back at Graham. "You think I care about any of this?"
Graham gaped at Jesus. "What?"
"I don't care about all of this stuff. More power to you if people want to give you their money," Jesus anger-whispered. "I care about the fact you didn't do any of what you are actually supposed to be doing here!"
"I-I have tried to preach your word, Lord!"
"Yes, some of it, as I tried to say it before!" Jesus yelled. "Fine, fine," he said, closing his eyes and taking a calming breath. "I will grant you the gay thing. You have really... really... came through on the gay thing. I have to say though, it kind of just seems that it is because you don't have anything to lose."
"I am not gay!" the Reverend shouted.
"Yeah, but when was the last time you stoned anyone for anything?" Jesus asked.
If possible, Graham felt more shock than when Jesus had first appeared. "It's, I—"
"It is in there," Jesus continued. "Stoning is a punishment for all kinds of things, but not once have you asked your flock to stone anyone. Not even once!"
"I... Well—"
"And what about burning alive, hm? That's in there, too," Jesus told him, his arms crossed now in agitation.
"W-well, my Lord, it's... it's just that stoning and burning people is illegal now. I would be arrested and I couldn't do any more of the good—"
"Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Sure, yeah. I'll give you a slight break on that, but can I ask you something?"
Graham nodded feverishly.
"What's your robe over there made out of?"
"Ex... I'm, I'm sorry?" the reverend squeaked.
Jesus marched across the room and ripped the frilly blue robe off of its hook. "Maybe you do have something in the gay game," Jesus said as he scrambled to find the tag. Before Graham could say anything, he continued, "Ah! Here we go! 90% silk and 10% satin! Hm, I believe that's a sin, is it not?"
"Silk is a sin?" Graham asked.
Jesus feverishly balled the robe up and threw it at Graham. "Mixing them! Mixing them, you idiot! Have you ever even read Leviticus?"
"Well, of course... many times, my Lord, but it's just that... you know, public opinion has really shifted against Leviticus and—"
"The shrimp industry is positively booming!" Jesus yelled.
"I... what?"
"Well, you didn't read it very closely, did you?" Jesus said as he threw up his hands. He picked up a nearby soap dish and—Graham guessed—just to make a point, threw it on the floor.
Graham saw Jesus' shoulders slump slightly as he took a deep breath. "Well, no matter. I'm back now and I'm going to be paying a visit to each of you to make this right. Get ready to burn."
"No, wait!"
Jesus raised a hand. "No, no. It is too late to beg. You speak to millions of people and it has done nothing for me. Perhaps if you hadn't been so open-minded, this all could have turned out different."
As the room turned to ash and the flames licked at his skin, Reverend Graham came to a true spiritual revelation in his very last moment: Jesus is a dick.
Submitted July 04, 2018 at 11:53PM by AlexLoganWriting https://ift.tt/2z7k3HH
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