2. My Mom

Where do I begin, she’s THE strongest woman I know and that’s equally bad and good. She was a stay at home mom at first, she’s confided in me that my dad made her and she gave up so much to be at home. Sometimes she says she regrets it sometimes she says she doesn’t. You can’t map a woman like her I tell ya. She went back to work once we started school. She’s a wild horse, there’s no taming her and she has good reason. Her dad was pretty similar to my dad (but milder). Surprisingly my dad never laid a hand on her, I’m pretty sure she could have held her own and that’s why he didn’t. Her mom was constantly trying to make the bad look perfect with those classic dogmatic ways. Don’t speak unless spoken to, wear this, say that, etc. She was our main care giver so she basically raised us, but of course that’s not a weight to carry alone… So she did a lot of things her parents did because in her mind it was normal. She was very verbally abusive, she would get in our faces and scream. Nothing new there, but she vowed to never hit us, and she didn’t unless it was a spoon or a wooden hair brush but nothing major. She put soap in my mouth ALL the time for being sassy, a third of those punishments were overkill I’d say. But I’ll admit the other 2/3rds of the time I really deserved it. She would call us fucking stupid, or how she wished we had never been born but I think it was never really directed at us and more at the end of her rope. In the younger years overall, other than taking some stuff to far and really allowing my dad to do what he did, it wasn’t all that bad. She told me she never acted on it because a dad was better than no dad, makes sense. She was damaged goods but tried none the less. It’s as I got older things changed. She was always wild, but knew she had to take care of us and calmed down after not too long but it took it’s mental and physical toll. She was always getting injured or sick. So, she was put on A LOT of perception drugs, she got addicted and was negligent as a result. She confessed to me recently that most of my childhood she was checked out because of that. I also suspect mental illness like bipolar because you literally never know what mood she’s going to have. I was always taking care of her. Keeping her in check, I was her emotional punching bag. She knows my weak points even to this day and shreds them. She would always go on about every little problem she was having from money, to friends, drama from family and work, marriage, especially her parents and how everything was everyone else fault and I was the dump spot. I didn’t really hate it but I always felt that weight so I never asked for anything prominent and did my best to be there. We got along for that, she brought me to craft shows and made me set stuff up and tear them down, or tarot card readings, to work even. She was/is a “Pagan” (I wouldn’t define that as a witch, some spells not really potions) and I learnt all that stuff from her. I looked up to her and wanted to be involved in whatever I could. So, she taught me about how to talk to the spirits in many different ways. How to scatter sage loll, how to use crystals to gain things in life, how to visibly see spirits. Trust me when I say I know you can get answers from these methods but there’s NO reason why you want to. It tormented me. She was really into astrology, at the time I could rehearse time dates of astrological signs, the flower of that sign, main traits of that sign, the gem stone, etc. She did a lot of Chinese stuff but it was all blended together. We had a year where we ALWAYS ate rice, I barley eat it now. We moved furniture for fung-shui, would sit quiet for like an hour and meditate, om and what not. God what else, it’s really all a blur, but it was that much of it haha. She believed in Chakras hard core and then there was energy. That was awful, she hated hugging me, she pushed me off her a lot. When she got into energy she would tell me all the time I was sucking her energy. Taking pictures with warped film showing your soul energy, *eyeroll* because getting a broken Polaroid camera from Sally Ann and saying it’s your energy… stupid. Anyways I guess she was trying to find meaning in her life. She still is. We also bonded over second hand store shopping, still do. Its why I dress quirky, she always allowed me to be a free spirit and wear what I pleased. She also wanted me to dress sluttier as a teenager LOL but I was happy being a weirdo. Even prom I decided to dress like the most decked out princess ever while most of the other girls had their asses hanging out. Then I inspired my friends to also dress like princesses, it was great. I have another sad story with my mom with that dress… Almost every large milestone I have she’s made it about her and ruined the experience. I’ll give an example later…

When I was a preteen, things got bad. She can’t handle being manipulated, not even a whiff and she is very selfish. It’s her defense mechanism. Even asking her to do something that would cost her something like anything she would lose it. And put the blame on me. That’s why we were always like sisters, I told her once I never had a mom and it is really the case. We would steal each other clothes, literally have bitch slap cat fights, I kind of laugh at that. We always called each bitches and slammed doors. She didn’t want to grow up, I always have to be the mom in the situation. This is still the same, but now I am a mom. I should throw in here with the manipulation she was always lying and saying one thing, and then another just so she didn’t have to take blame for anything, because again nothing is ever her fault. Everyone must make way for her. Moving on, to try and get over the counter medication she started to smoke pot, when I was teenager she was going too far with it. Like high all the time. Once I had to flush it and scold her and tell her I didn’t want to see it otherwise dad had to know. I never did tell him until I moved out. One of the ripples of this, I was going through puberty so you know, my butt has always been out there (called fat ass FOR YEARS and it wasn’t the trend… boo) but it was more formed I guess. In my mom’s craziness she taught me sex ed which was great, but she took some stuff to far. WTH does that mean, brace yourself. She was constantly groping me… she hated to hug me my whole life but, in that phase, she would make me hug her just so she could squeeze my butt and talk about how guys would love that and why it’s good to have a fuller butt and so on, same type thing with all the other areas… this is why this is not the place and I need a face but anyways there’s more… She would constantly show me her body parts and make me stare and compliment her. The worst part is I would ask her to stop, she would tell me she made my body and she could do what she wanted. This was until I moved out. When I really realized what this all was and what it meant I was older. By miracle she saws the errors not very long after and when she did she called me and apologized to me. I really have a hard time talking about this but its only because her parents did it to her and she really didn’t know any better. Fucked up world right. Now to gain my composure, this is one of very few things I block out of my mind. But mostly to protect her, I wouldn’t want someone to think less of her for that.

When I was a teenager and I decided to not share her beliefs anymore and branch out, she hated me. We lived together and she refused to speak to me for I think 3 months roughly. I mostly hid in my room anyways doing art or homework so it wasn’t much of a big deal. So, I moved in with my grandparents, her parents who ruined her life… They actually helped me heal from so much. I don’t doubt my mom for one second with her accusations (but there is for sure some lying) but people can and do change.

So when I got married, I kept her right where I wanted her. I vowed I had to honor her but she couldn't stop manipulating me. We were so close and our beliefs always caused a rift, Ill admit I was super prideful and I made her feel ashamed of her beliefs even it was a two way street she still never deserved that. But I always defended her in my church circles. After all this back and forth I made the decision to release myself and her of the responsibility of being the mom. Not a physical mom, she will always be that. The emotional mom, the one you confide in, who sees you for you, the ones who cheers you. Why was I expecting her to be something she wasn't, it just wasn't her. I felt so free but I had to start to learn to love her and I didn't know how when it was constant hurt and heart break.

After I had my daughter I was SO overwhelmed. I was in love I couldn't take my eyes off her but I couldn't nourish her and I was sleep deprived and at the end of my rope. I called my mom, and I begged her to come over. I told her I just needed to see her and feel supported. She told me I had to suck it up and that being a mom is a one man show. Meanwhile she had her grandson at her place even though I told her I may be going into labor and he was there basically every weekend. I was so heartbroken, this beautiful moment of mother to daughter to granddaughter and your throwing it away! And I needed her, I cried so hard for so long because it was the one time I asked for help and she said no. I had really bad baby blues from that. I drove out to her anyways because I needed her I needed her to hold her granddaughter and give me a hug, that was it. I forgave her but I dont ask anymore, I just give her options.

The good to my mom, she made me tough as nails. It hurt so bad at times but Ive always told her how grateful I am she made me be independent and strong. She a fighter, and even if she fights with me a lot she always was the first to fight for me, in school I had this supervisor who was awful to me. She would make me pin my hair back out of my face because hair shouldn't be a in a girls face (like wtf lol), anytime Id be sassy Id be put to sit by myself for hours. She just about clobbered that woman, she always took my side when shit was hitting the fan at school. One time I raised 2000$ for kids help phone and I was participating in the walk. I gave the school the money to hold on to because I didn't want to risk anything happening to it. They deposited the money in the schools name, mom-flurries I tell ya she went after the school and then made sure I got proper recognition for that. She taught me to not care what anyone thought of me, she let me run free with no judgments. She told me her mom was constantly controlling her and she vowed to never do that, Im so thankful ive always felt free to be myself. She would let me skip school and really do anything as long as I was honest with her, that is why shes like a sister in many GOOD ways. She was always the cool mom, she still is haha. After learning how to love truly & unconditionally, with putting no expectations on her we finally made a REAL mends. To forgive always and go to gods perspective of her, I've seen how truly amazing she is. I would rather be crazy and have her in my life then not at all. I wanted to run away and never speak to her again, like she did to her mom and her before her. But I can't and I wont. These toxic mother daughter relationships have to end. Ill take the pain to make a new way for my daughter, and now even in her mess and imperfection I'm so proud because after perusing her for years even though we fight we meet in the middle. And Im being more vulnerable so she can feel loved and accepted even it hurts the worst kind of hurt. And she has come so far, I try to tell her how proud I am but she has a hard time receiving it. I used to want to never have a mom, but now I couldn't imagine anyone else. She is opening my mind and gives me a value not that I wanted, but that I need. Shes also the BEST gift giver and so creative - she taught me all her ways, any time she saw I was struggling she couldn't handle emotions or touch but she would buy me small things and told me she was thinking of me, I used to think she was trying to buy my love now I see that is her way of speaking love. So I got out of my way to spoil her with stuff because you see what it does for her. She also could have bailed but she always was there even if it was at her worst, that is strength right there.

PS, today really wasn’t meant like, that. It really was for privacy and I was trying to make a joke but I was serious about this discussion. because its eating my mind and I thought in a cemetery on a bench finally talking would be nice. I attended a church in the area and it was also very dogmatic and I just KNOW what would happen if I caught their gaze. It’s lots of gossip. The other day I ran into one and the person asked how far along I was… apparently there’s a rumor going around I’m pregnant. I’m scared and vulnerable too and I hate feeling like this I just want to talk and take this stuff out of my head and move past this and its because I really operate my best face to face. And you don't know me so how would you know my tone or body language. I am sassy, man, fuck, Me and my big mouth. I’m also an over thinker, I’ve slept like 4 hours a night since last Wednesday, then this Tylenol from the pain, molars with this kid, not being able to eat doesn’t help, and then this, I’m unraveling. But I’m praying for the strength to keep this going. I know what I need to do to meet your needs. I'm starting to understand what you mean by your fears its the face thing, I am so sorry. Anyways doesn’t matter the rest will explain the rest….

Submitted July 24, 2018 at 08:21AM by middleof_nowhere_mom https://ift.tt/2OfFrOe