Whatismybrain

Hello! I am new to this reddit situation, so be kind and I'll apologize for the length in advanced. I am currently a 21 year old female college student. I guess I am here because I am in the mood for some affirmation. My mental health has been a puzzle for as long as I can remember, and after attempting to put the puzzle together over and over again, I have been left feeling that I might have a box with some missing pieces, seemingly pretty crucial pieces. I don't even know what is the most constructive way to format this post because SO MANY THOUGHTS. To start, mental illness is most definitely prevalent in my family, and my father's side of the family is oozing with substance abuse (for clarification, my father does not deal with substance abuse but his family does.) Starting my freshman year of high school when my mental health began to severely suffer and I found myself in a dark and unhealthy place, my parents decided I see a CBT. Long story short, after being diagnosed with clinical depression, I saw know benefit from her visits, and stopped attending these appointments. I dealt with my mental health on a personal level, and with my parents help, for the rest of my high school career. Although when I began college, my personal efforts were just no longer enough. I wouldn't say that they ever were in high school either, but instability had become too much of an issue. A family friend and medical doctor put me on an experimental anti-depressant but I never saw benefit from them and ended up stopping the use of them after a while. I felt my issues were really due to my constant anxiety, and had started to struggle with irritable bouts of what I have always labeled panic attacks. I began to see a therapist and a much better therapist, and kept my clinical depression, but got the honor of adding an anxiety disorder manifested through OCD. After endless research, I never quite felt like I fit the bill, but mental health is all so subjective, I figured I didn't need to fit every symptom to be considered OCD. I see where they were coming from though. I love counting words. I count them in my head and since I can remember I have treated this like a game where I formulate sentences in my head that add up to an even amount of letters and I count them by alternately tapping my left and right hand. If I end up on my right hand then I have properly won my own game, if I haven't I will continue to edit the sentence in my head until it does. I have been doing this for years and I do it constantly, while at work, while doing homework, embarrassingly enough when I am being spoken to, and obviously while I am relaxing. I pick my fingers: the nails, the cuticles, It's just been something I've used to cope when I am bored or nervous, or sometimes when I am nervous and bored. One of my habits that I have for the most part conquered, but still likes to pop up when things are extra chaotic, is chomping on my jaw. chomp. chomp. chomp. Oh and I am also a little bossy, and I like to be in control of my life. (but I feel like I never am) BUT, this is all I have to offer to the OCD world, and past that I am actually quite the opposite of the typical OCD description. I am a train wreck. I have absolutely no organization skills whatsoever, and as a 21 year old, I still have never managed to keep my room clean for longer than a week, and mind you, that is including times where I was out of time for a week. ;) I lose everything I own, and have canceled my debit card due to losing it an unflattering, very not cute, amount of times. I throw my clothes on the floor as soon as I walk in my room and let this continue until it gets to become too much, where I will then commence to clean my room for the next week. The ability to properly clean my room in an appropriate amount of time: 1 or 2 days tops just is nearly impossible for me. We are talking at least a week, and I am honestly probably being a little too kind on myself. ANYWAY, now that I have chased that rabbit, let's move forward. So my father was recently diagnosed with ADHD by the same therapist I see. He has started medication and it has already remarkably improved his life. So much so, that he suggested my brother, who displays very similar behavior to him, be tested as well. Now here is the thing, I thought that was great for them, but that is about as far as I thought about it. I mentioned it to my boyfriend, and his response was "So you don't think you couldn't be ADHD as well?" I replied with"Um no, I think I'm fine sweetie. I have a myriad of issues but I don't think this is one of them." Boyfriend then says "But what if this actual is THE issue? Look at you right now. I got home 20 minutes ago and you have already taken 2 breaks from reading your text book" He then proceeded to ask me to watch some videos about the symptoms of ADHD in females, and made me promised if I fit the description well enough, I would talk to my psychologist about it. Well, low and behold, I could not argue with it. Video after video did nothing but prove that I was going to have to speak to my doctor.

So let's move backwards a bit and talk about my education. I am fairly smart and I always have been, but the older I have gotten I have felt increasingly LESS smart, as if someone went in and stole my intelligence right out of my brain sometime in middle school. How rude. In elementary my teachers raved about how smart I was. I did so well that I had to go down the hall to the grade above for a few of my classes here and there. Basically straight A's all throughout elementary. And I was a great student. I was known for my kindness, but also for my inability to SHUT UP. While I might have sweet, I was chatty. And that card got flipped.. a lot and sometimes not just once a day but multiple. I was dubbed the nickname "motormouth" from a very young age. Let's clarify- not hyper, but just chatty. And this is not something that is no longer an issue. I get started sometimes, and I actually feel manic. I start talking about some incredibly important thought only to then I have another equally important thought. Thought. Thought. Thought. In high school I continued to struggle with this, but being in advanced classes, I had the freedom to talk as much as I wanted because many of these classes were class discussion based. This was my time to shine, and I never didn't have something to say.After elementary school, I began to start struggling in school. I never did poorly, but I had to start working for it, and sometimes my best effort was only a C or B average. Once I started high school, all-nighters happened frequently. I continued to struggle, but I pushed through. But, let me clarify struggle. I still managed to graduate in the top 25% of my nearly 500 person class, I was in the hall of fame of my senior class, was in mostly all advanced, honors, or AP courses, succeeded well beyond my piers in the arts and went on to college with a full-ride talent scholarship to study music. But I worked my butt off for all of it, and I never felt I was meeting my potential. I didn't understand why I worked 3 times as harder, and studied 3 times as longer as my counterparts but was still having to rejoice in my grade of a C. My study technique consisted of working for 20-30 minutes followed by an alternative task, which was usually a 10 minute nap. Yes, I see this is not the most constructive way to study, but I was desperate and it still wasn't enough. I was able to HYPERFOCUSSS on activities I enjoyed. I would practice piano or horn for hours after school every day. I could even read for long periods of time if it was something that interested me. 550 page book? Well, if it was interesting I'd read it over night. But then things I didn't enjoy as much felt like teeth pulling. I exert the same exact amount of effort, but my focus is just GONE and I just can't retain. No matter how much I WANT to.

Since starting college, I have failed a class, and withdrawn from several in an attempt to not fail another one. This isn't for lack of effort, but I just feel like I can't keep up. I never feel like I am caught up. Everyday is chaotic and a scramble to get it all done. It's an endless race to the finish line RIGHT before the race closes, and this leaves me feeling drained and frustrated most of the time. I was always able to get by, and to a certain degree I guess I still am because the areas I do well in I still do very well. But I can't seem to direct my energy and focus at more than a few things at once, while letting everything else suffer in the process including my own personal life. This has left me feeling incompetent and lazy. I am either full-on at high speed or I am couched. I have yet to find this secret that everyone has that causes them to pull it all together. To actually pull it all together, not just from a visual standpoint. I am constantly feeling stuck in my head, but completely detached from myself at the same time. Wanting to be the very best at literally everything, but falling short and berating myself for laziness. I guess

Submitted June 19, 2018 at 05:15PM by kaitlinawalley https://ift.tt/2tmt6hA